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Open Letter To Angelina Jolie

Hi Angie,

I hope you don’t mind if I call you Angie but I feel like I know you because a friend of a friend of my brother reads the National Enquirer and always catches me up on what’s happening in your life. So first off, I know that you already have like a boatload of kids but that you just recently added twins to the mix. And I heard that you are finding twins to be very challenging. Actually the friend of a friend of my brother said that you are “totally going out of your mind.”

I think you should know that I too recently had twins. Not as recently as you and not in France. Although, I did eat a lot of croissants while I was pregnant and my ass got huge. In fact, I don’t really know what this “French Women Don’t Get Fat” author was smoking but she’s got her facts wrong. I mean, seriously, croissants are like eating a stick of butter. This might explain why I haven’t shed all of my pregnancy weight.

But on to the real reason for my letter.

Twins are a bitch. It’s seriously underrated the toll it takes on your anxiety level, mental state, physical appearance and overall health in general. Anyone who tells you with a huge smile that you must feel “doubly blessed” deserves to be punched in the head (but have Brad do it because you need to save your strength). When I had my first baby, she slept in a bassinet right next to the bed and, sure, I woke up eighty times a night but it was okay because she was the only baby and I expected to lose some sleep. Scratch that, it wasn’t okay, I was a hot mess but it was livable. One night my husband (who looks slightly like Brad – I’m not gonna lie, he’s a looker!) suggested that he sleep in the living room with the baby so that I could get a full night of sleep and I just about took his head off. I accused him of not loving me and just wanting to sleep alone. When the twins came – let’s just say completely different story. We took turns sleeping on the couch for months and I was thrilled every single time it wasn’t my turn. Like I said, twins are a bitch.

I have one nanny during the day and I hear you have a few on hand so I’m assuming you have one at night. Hell, you probably have a nanny just dedicated to reapplying your lipstick. Doesn’t matter. All the help in the world can’t drown out the crying of two babies who refuse to sleep, eat or play at the same time. Please don’t believe the people who will tell you to “get them on a schedule” that does not work on the planet reality. Eventually they will do more at the same time but the first few months are pure chaos and it’s not your fault.

Personally, I’m not a big showerer overall (wow, maybe I would fit in better in France) mostly because I have only about half the amount of photo shoots that you do, but since I’ve had twins I can count the showers I’ve had on one hand – and I was in a slightly serious lawnmower repair accident so that’s really not a lot of showers).

There’s not a whole lot you can do right now to make things better. You could try the Duggar’s method and just have one of your older children watch the younger ones like Maddox or Zahara or Dax or Ping Pong. But you’ll still have to keep an eye out for them. My three-year-old still acts like her sisters don’t exist so I don’t know how good a plan this is. Plus, my daughter also likes to dress up like a princess and whack people with her magic wand. Apparently babies don’t like this game. At all.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, you don’t have to be strong for any of us twins moms. We get it. We laugh in the face – right in the damn face – of people who have one baby. Even moms of twins who don’t have another child (or eight in your case) we think are weak if they complain. We’ve earned the right to be complete psychos. So you go girl, interrupted. And if you end up in the loony bin for a couple of days or months, I will be your first visitor -provided you don’t mind a couple of crying babies in a double stroller and a whiny three-year-old coming with me.

And in a few months, this will all seem almost amusing and you can just send a turkey lasagna to Rebecca Romijn with your sympathies. Which reminds me, I wonder if J. Lo got the apple pie I sent. I never received a thank you card. Bitch.

Anyway, best of luck and feel free to call me anytime before 9 p.m. Have your people call my people.

Regards,

Stefanie Wilder-Taylor

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on August 24, 2008 10:23 pmUncategorized56 comments  

56 Comments

  1. CP said,

    I love you- this was awesome!

    | August 24, 2008 @ 11:52 pm

  2. thatgirlblogs (shelly) said,

    If JLo does call, ask her why she named her kids after a show on PBS? Aren’t Max and Emme on Dragontales?

    | August 25, 2008 @ 12:01 am

  3. Carolyn...Online said,

    Oh my gosh, ping pong. I’m still laughing.

    | August 25, 2008 @ 12:25 am

  4. KLS said,

    Did I miss the post about the lawnmower accident?

    I just have one. She is almost a year old and I am still pretty much a hot mess. I REALLY don’t know how you do it. I think if I was told I was pregnant with twins I might have a stroke. Seriously.

    Thanks for having a sense of humor about your girls, and for making me laugh on a regular basis!

    | August 25, 2008 @ 12:47 am

  5. Middle Aged Woman said,

    Twins should come with Pause buttons.

    | August 25, 2008 @ 12:59 am

  6. Catwoman said,

    That was absolutely hilarious… If I could find a place in Dallas that had decent croissants, I would totally eat my weight in them too.

    This was classic you and I loved every word of it. Awesome post!

    By the way, did I miss your photo shoot in People Magazine? And did you wear your nightgown too as if to say “I don’t fucking care about this, do you know I haven’t slept in weeks?”

    | August 25, 2008 @ 1:10 am

  7. Cheryl Lage said,

    Bwahahahaha! There ARE actually tee shirts that say. “One Baby? I laugh at your one baby!” How many times I’ve wanted to get one, but have felt “insensitive” to those struggling (and if you don’t have two to deal with, I assume it would feel like struggling) with their one (laughable) baby.

    It’s hard. I do think it’s a double blessing (but I don’t want to hear it from moms of singletons), but dang IT IS HARD.

    You rock.

    PS Here’s a link to the shirts:
    http://t-shirts.cafepress.com/item/i-laugh-at-your-one-baby-white-tshirt/59438302

    | August 25, 2008 @ 1:19 am

  8. Cheryl Lage said,

    AND, my hat is doubly (if that word isn’t cussing in your eyes now!)off to you handling three in close proximity with humor and aplomb.

    Times when it’s particularly tough, I remember my husband’s boss … with triplets. Surely she laughs at our TWO babies…

    (Maybe we can provide some similar solace to the single baby mamas? A ministry perhaps? 😉 )

    | August 25, 2008 @ 1:25 am

  9. Mama Ginger Tree said,

    As a fellow mother of twins let me just say Amen sister. Having twins kicked my @ss. Before they were born they born I remember saying, “I think I can handle it as long as neither one of them has colic.” Of course they both had colic. It was the most challenging 4 months of my life.

    They’re 6 years old now and I still haven’t forgiven them. But they are a lot quieter now.

    | August 25, 2008 @ 1:26 am

  10. CaraBee said,

    That was hysterical! Of course, Angie probably has nannies running round the clock to keep her Benneton ad family picture perfect. I firmly believe there is a special place in heaven for mothers of multiples. I can’t even imagine.

    | August 25, 2008 @ 1:58 am

  11. Mrs. B. Roth said,

    and then there’s the jon and kate plus 8 families thank make me feel so so so lucky. no, imagine 6 newborns/1 yr olds/2 yr olds etc …

    i think i’ll go rock in a chair with my one small but loud and grumpy baby who won’t let me use the shift button.

    great post, aj will appreciate the support.

    | August 25, 2008 @ 2:32 am

  12. Mama Bee said,

    LMAO!

    | August 25, 2008 @ 2:54 am

  13. Anonymous said,

    thank you …. you make me feel so much better… well at least you’re honest…. Thanks from a mom of twin girls Angelina and Jada :)

    | August 25, 2008 @ 3:26 am

  14. Lisa said,

    I have six kids. Yes, you read that right. Six. Crazy, but the idea of twins scares that hell out of me. Two babies at one time? I just don’t know how you do THAT.

    | August 25, 2008 @ 4:31 am

  15. Anonymous said,

    Oh my gosh you are HILARIOUS. That was so funny! I have two children 21 months apart and always roll my eyes at moms with one kid who complain about anything. I’ll be sure to keep my own trap shut around my sister-in-law’s sister, who had twins and then a third child after that. Yep, the third one was definitely an accident but seemed like a piece of cake to her after dealing with twins!

    | August 25, 2008 @ 8:53 am

  16. Rebecca said,

    Awesome. I’ve been wanting to write a letter to her telling her how lucky she is one her twins wasn’t stillborn like one of my wee guys was. But I don’t think she’d bother read it – plus mine would be way sterner than yours. loved it – made me laugh thanks.

    | August 25, 2008 @ 9:00 am

  17. Mom24 said,

    Awesome. You are so funny. I don’t have twins, but I remember how my friends who had two close together used to laugh at me. Now that I do too, I understand. I’m sure it’s the same way for you mothers of multiples laughing at us singletons for not knowing how easy we’ve got it.

    | August 25, 2008 @ 10:58 am

  18. Pam said,

    ah, you twin moms have it easy. 😛

    (kidding. love the letter.)

    | August 25, 2008 @ 11:54 am

  19. Stacy said,

    i love it! I have twins and have to admit that I want to smack anyone who complains about having just one. Of course, I’m still in the survival mode of the first few months…

    | August 25, 2008 @ 11:55 am

  20. MereCat said,

    People have no idea. NO IDEA, I TELL YOU. I will be talking to the one-baby-at-a-time type and will have to remind them, “Yeah, but you can’t do that with twins.” Makes me nuts.

    But on to this… It starts to get better when they cross that year mark. Mine are 17 months, and it has gotten so much better in the last few months. You don’t have that much longer to go, but Angie? Just get through it, babe. Just get through it.

    | August 25, 2008 @ 12:58 pm

  21. Linda said,

    I LOVE IT!

    | August 25, 2008 @ 1:28 pm

  22. Laura said,

    I pink puffy heart you to death! You are hysterical.

    | August 25, 2008 @ 1:41 pm

  23. Willow said,

    My twins are 12 now so I’m reaping the rewards in that they keep each other entertained. Our original plan was three but after the girls were born it didn’t take long to decide that two was just plenty thank you very much!

    Thank you so much, this is just what I needed on this grey day.

    | August 25, 2008 @ 1:45 pm

  24. Mandy said,

    My friend just had twins and this made me absolutely howl. So funny. Thanks for the laugh.

    | August 25, 2008 @ 2:14 pm

  25. Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said,

    As a fellow twin mother I feel the same way.

    Except, I don’t feel sorry for anyone with a night nammy. Or SEVERAL day nannies. Or anyone married to Brad Pitt for that matter.

    | August 25, 2008 @ 2:39 pm

  26. Ashley said,

    Haha! Love that. I’m a twin and I tell my husband regularly (because we only have one right now), “If I get pregnant with twins, go ahead and put me in a straitjacket and up my dosages.”

    | August 25, 2008 @ 3:06 pm

  27. Ms. Bar B: said,

    Ok that was fricken BRILLIANT!!! You just made me LOL on the bus and scare a bunch of people.

    My sister in-law just had twins a month or two ago and she also has a 4 year old son… she hasn’t stopped crying yet. Big ups to twin moms everywhere!

    | August 25, 2008 @ 4:01 pm

  28. Her Bad Mother said,

    yeah. that whole multiples thing? COULD NOT HANDLE. am dying here with two that are separated by 2 whole years.

    More than one all at once? GAH.

    Am in awe of you.

    | August 25, 2008 @ 4:23 pm

  29. Tuesday Girl said,

    I have twins and did it with no help ( we moved 1.5 hours away from all family & friends the day I left the hospital)
    My husband and I did it.
    Alone.
    No nannies, cooks, trainers, nurses or maids.

    So I don't want to hear any of these "famous" moms of twins ever complaining.

    | August 25, 2008 @ 5:11 pm

  30. Eve said,

    Well, I’m single mommying it now with toddler twins and a preschooler.
    Can I have a pie?

    Great letter! :)

    | August 25, 2008 @ 5:14 pm

  31. WickedStepMom said,

    LOL… Did you see the new grocery store taglines? A tale of two princesses Shiloh vs Suri?

    Your post makes me scared of babies…

    | August 25, 2008 @ 5:21 pm

  32. WA said,

    Does your brother’s friend know exactly how one can get hired as the Lipstick Applier Nanny? Do you have to work you way up from Tattoo Polisher Nanny?

    | August 25, 2008 @ 6:11 pm

  33. Raging Dad said,

    Man, you said it well. My twins almost killed me, and still may do it. My singleton daughter was so easy, I realized, once the twin boys came. High anxiety, to say the least.

    | August 25, 2008 @ 6:12 pm

  34. Mom101 said,

    PING PONG!

    Am dying here.

    You deserve a response here. And not from her publicist either.

    | August 25, 2008 @ 6:18 pm

  35. Maya said,

    I loved this letter!!

    I do often laugh in the faces of those with one baby and say it’s hard!

    But then again- that’s probably what triplet mothers think when they see us!!

    | August 25, 2008 @ 6:20 pm

  36. Kesler Crew said,

    This is hularious! Thanks for the laugh today, I sure needed it! :)

    a.k.a. – mom of triplet boys!

    | August 25, 2008 @ 6:41 pm

  37. Chickenbells said,

    Oh…hahahaha! Totally funny. Actually, I read that their nannies all go home at night, and come back the next day. Seems like a lot of traveling to me, maybe they have a big nanny barrack somewhere? Anyway…a good friend has twins and she said that she almost didn’t make it through the first 3 months, then it was like it got a teeny bit easier…

    | August 25, 2008 @ 6:50 pm

  38. Undomestic Diva said,

    I love ya Stefanie, but I have to say I’m Team Aniston.

    (But I’m confident you and I can work thru this.)

    | August 25, 2008 @ 7:54 pm

  39. MamaMia said,

    A friend of mine has 6 under 6, including twins. I think of her and wonder how she is sane.

    | August 25, 2008 @ 10:11 pm

  40. Ms. Bar B: said,

    I love your blog so much that I had to stop by again to let you know that I have a couple of awards for you. Stop by my blog to pick them up.

    http://www.comfortingplace.blogspot.com

    | August 25, 2008 @ 10:51 pm

  41. chris said,

    Yeah, I pretty much have zero sympathy for people who have one baby at a time and complain about it.

    Candy asses.

    | August 26, 2008 @ 12:56 am

  42. www.startswithanx.com said,

    The only twins I have hold my bra up. I’d like to keep it that way.

    If you hear back from Ang tell her I’m still on Jen’s team. She’ll know what I’m talking about.

    | August 26, 2008 @ 2:48 am

  43. Shonda Little said,

    I know you’ll probably snicker at this, but I have Irish twins, 18 months apart. I think that qualifies me at least for a Cinnabun. Right?

    | August 26, 2008 @ 3:34 am

  44. Kyddryn said,

    Bwahahaha…

    Thanks for the timely laugh.

    Shade and Sweetwater,
    K

    | August 26, 2008 @ 4:48 am

  45. Suddenly Sixty said,

    It’s late and I am too tired to read all comments but did anyone else hear that she gave Brad the boot? Right out the door? Oh to be a passerby at that fortunate moment.

    | August 26, 2008 @ 6:26 am

  46. Threeundertwo said,

    ROFL. Welcome to our club Angie.

    | August 26, 2008 @ 4:28 pm

  47. Kristin.... said,

    Oh Amen.
    And I’m jealous of your nanny. I fly solo with 4 kids during the day.

    sigh.

    | August 26, 2008 @ 7:43 pm

  48. help4newmoms said,

    Stef, You are sooo good! Is a couple galsses of chard or does it just come naturally???

    | August 27, 2008 @ 12:12 am

  49. feefifoto said,

    I love this post. I don’t have multiples, but I still love the post.

    Let us know what Angie’s email response says.

    | August 27, 2008 @ 1:19 am

  50. Jaime said,

    Thank you – as a new mom of twins (1 month old this week), I highly appreciated this!

    | August 27, 2008 @ 1:35 am

  51. Laggin said,

    The Duggars! Bwahaha! The princess game! Bwahaha. I have been there. Younger’s introduction to Eldest included a Nike upside the baby-head.

    I am lucky to have avoided REAL twins, I just got 2 in 17 months which means new-walker-destructo-drink-Daddy’s-beer-when-he-leaves-the-bottles-out-baby (what? they were BOTTLES, looked reasonable to her) while you tend the newborn. Sigh.

    | August 27, 2008 @ 1:53 pm

  52. Kristen said,

    This is great and so true… I remember walking around the farmer’s market when the boys were about 2 months old, getting all sorts of oohs and aahs, and my husband repeatedly saying “it is hell”.

    But, I have to say that since the boys hit about 1.5-2 (they’re 3.5 now), I feel like I won the lottery. They entertain each other, watch out for each other, and generally make it easier for me…

    | August 27, 2008 @ 2:58 pm

  53. Candy said,

    Love the post, thought the nightgown shot in People was ridiculous as well and defintely need the “I laugh at your one baby” t-shirt. Signed, working mother of a 3 year old boy and 4 month old twin girls!

    | August 27, 2008 @ 6:04 pm

  54. LiteralDan said,

    I don’t have twins, but I’ve always respected the hell out of anyone who doesn’t kill their multiples either actively or out of neglect.

    The work kids create is exponential, and multiples are more like factorials. So you’ll get no arguments from me, though I reserve the right to complain plenty despite the fact that some people have it worse than me. That would take one of the few pleasures out of life!

    Oh and by the way, I think the key to the French diet is moderation. But who can manage that??

    | August 27, 2008 @ 6:05 pm

  55. Michelle said,

    Seriously funny post.
    “So you go girl, interrupted.”
    Classic.

    | August 28, 2008 @ 6:48 am

  56. Erin said,

    This was FUNNY. I don’t have twins myself that bring my total to 6 (or 7, or 8. How many do they have again?). I only have 3 so of course the arrival of my third didn’t warrant a 19 page (*seriously?*) spread in People magazine. Don’t suppose it had anthing to do with the fact that I’m not famous so no one gives a crap about who I am or how many kids I have? Perhaps:)

    Thanks for the laugh!

    | September 3, 2008 @ 9:44 pm

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