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More Superficial Reasons for Breakups

The last post of these was so fun to write that I figured why not purge my soul of more reasons I’ve refused a second date, relationship, sex or all three. I realize some of these are not superficial – but most of them did make me go from “totally into it” to “please never touch me again.”

P.S. some of these are the same person. Just so you don’t think I’m a huge hussy – although I am…

1. Owned a worn copy of “Obsessive Love: When it Hurts too Much to Let Go”

2. After about three weeks of dating he asked me to go with him to his therapist so I could give “my take” on his problems.

3. Didn’t drink coffee.

4. Owned more than one Bill Cosby type sweater.

5. Sandals with socks.

6. Vaguely smelled like a hamper.

7. A “morning after” very earnest serenade on the piano.

8. Actually said “I don’t really care for old people.”

9. Broke up with me on my voice mail. (I realize that’s someone breaking up with me but…I would have definitely broken up with him for that)

10. Gave me a 99 cent CD wrapper opener/slicer as a “gift.”

11. Referred to wine as “vino.”

12. Asian porn fixation.

13. Extremely D-list very vaguely famous guy took me to a restaurant frequented by real celebrities, promptly drank two bottles of wine and walked around shaking peoples’ hands as if everyone knew who he was. Also, I think he was wearing mascara.

14. When I told him I wasn’t ready to sleep with him yet, he suggested a blow job instead.

15. Got regular pedicures.

16. Used the word “tushy” and he didn’t have a child.

17. Wore a beret.

18. Favorite comedian? Gallagher.

19. Counted carbs.

20. Unsolicited, he let me know his sunglasses cost over two hundred dollars.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on August 4, 2008 5:40 pmUncategorized42 comments  

42 Comments

  1. Backpacking Dad said,

    I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m considering getting regular pedicures from now on.

    My sunglasses cost over $9.

    | August 4, 2008 @ 6:34 pm

  2. MetroDad said,

    That does it. I’m throwing away my beret tomorrow. Between you and my wife, I guess it’s time for it to go.

    By the way, my people don’t call it “Asian porn.” We just call it porn. Just like in Greece, they don’t call it a Greek salad!

    | August 4, 2008 @ 6:50 pm

  3. Mama Ginger Tree said,

    OK spill it, who is #13?

    Someone once broke up with me because they told me they kept having fantasies about my roommate. This was the same guy who told me that “I’m Too Sexy For My Shirt” was “our song” so I guess it’s a blessing I had such a hot roommate.

    | August 4, 2008 @ 7:05 pm

  4. merlotmom said,

    I would have broken up for ALL these reasons, in fact, #14, happened to me. Yup, broke up with him. Maybe it was the same guy? Nahhhh.

    | August 4, 2008 @ 7:26 pm

  5. cIII said,

    All valid. Except for the beret thing. Mine compliments my Elvis replica cape.

    | August 4, 2008 @ 7:27 pm

  6. Carolyn...Online said,

    I love that in #9 you flash forward into the future to receive the answering machine break-up and then say fuck that and go back in time to break up with him first. Smooth.

    | August 4, 2008 @ 7:41 pm

  7. surcie said,

    I burst out laughing at 18.

    Narrow 13 down for us. Had he guested on Friends? Wait. Andy Dick?

    | August 4, 2008 @ 7:42 pm

  8. Mama Cass said,

    You have to hope these men don’t procreate.

    | August 4, 2008 @ 7:46 pm

  9. Stefanie said,

    Surcie, let’s just say he was on ONE SEASON ONLY of Saturday Night Live. And no, not Andy Dick. That’s disgusting.

    | August 4, 2008 @ 7:56 pm

  10. Middle Aged woman said,

    I think you should have let him give you the blow job.

    | August 4, 2008 @ 8:20 pm

  11. Black Hockey Jesus said,

    I love Asian Porn. We’re so over, SWT.

    | August 4, 2008 @ 8:23 pm

  12. Mommy Melee said,

    Asian porn is kind of awesome.

    I hope your D listed was Corey Feldman. Although I guess he’s been busy being married/writing bad songs for his wife/screaming them at her face.

    That’s what Joel McHale says anyway. Did I mention I’d do him?

    SECRET LITTLE KNOWN FACT: I have never broken up with someone.

    | August 4, 2008 @ 9:32 pm

  13. Marinka said,

    Are these reasons for break-up or reasons that turn “Murder One” into “Involuntary Manslaughter”?

    | August 4, 2008 @ 9:49 pm

  14. Aunt Becky said,

    So you dated my ex-boyfriend, eh? Large penis, even larger dick.

    | August 4, 2008 @ 10:15 pm

  15. Cheryl Lage said,

    Priceless. My “the way you chew annoys me, and I can’t deal with public spitting” pale by comparison.

    | August 4, 2008 @ 10:15 pm

  16. Anonymous said,

    Anthony Michael Hall or Jay Mohr?

    | August 4, 2008 @ 11:36 pm

  17. surcie said,

    I think Jay Mohr was on 2 seasons. Chris Elliot??

    | August 4, 2008 @ 11:50 pm

  18. Backpacking Dad said,

    Gary Newton.

    | August 4, 2008 @ 11:55 pm

  19. Stefanie said,

    You guys are thinking way too famous. You’ve probably never even heard of the guy but it was right shortly after the season he was on the show. Also, I think he hosted a season of The Dating Game. But, then again, who didn’t?

    | August 5, 2008 @ 12:06 am

  20. Backpacking Dad said,

    Gary Kroeger

    | August 5, 2008 @ 12:13 am

  21. Denise Thomas said,

    Again, I fail to see how you can call these reasons superficial. I was actually physically uncomfortable reading them, and we both know you and I have slept with very few of the same people.

    | August 5, 2008 @ 12:36 am

  22. Anonymous said,

    hmmm Julia Louis-Dreyfus?

    | August 5, 2008 @ 1:31 am

  23. Anonymous said,

    I just love your site! You’re a great writer!

    Haven’t seen any updates from your buddy BHJ. Wonder what gives?

    (Did I mention that you rock, BabyonBored? Yeah! )

    | August 5, 2008 @ 2:24 am

  24. Anonymous said,

    Never mind! I found him.

    | August 5, 2008 @ 2:27 am

  25. Rachael said,

    #6? Totally a good reason. Seriously.

    | August 5, 2008 @ 2:32 am

  26. Am I doing okay? said,

    I once got gifted the CD opener, but it came w/ some CDs. Is that okay? However – I never break up w/ anyone. That is half my problem.

    | August 5, 2008 @ 3:32 am

  27. Hot Mamma said,

    Reason #5 is totally a deal breaker!

    | August 5, 2008 @ 6:49 am

  28. LiteralDan said,

    If all 20 of those were one person, I think the universe would explode.

    That being said, I don’t think you’re a hussy, but you seem to have unbelievably awful taste or luck, I can’t decide which.

    Either way, you have my sympathies for the long, painful ordeal that was your dating life.

    | August 5, 2008 @ 10:36 am

  29. HeatherPride said,

    Wow – #13: HILARIOUS – totally wish I knew who that was.
    .
    and #14? well, at least he provided options. How resourceful!

    | August 5, 2008 @ 4:06 pm

  30. PunkOnFire said,

    Ok.. #16 is just.. creepy.

    | August 5, 2008 @ 4:11 pm

  31. Catwoman said,

    A beret? Oh no, that’s just wrong.

    Almost as wrong as breaking up with someone over voicemail (which I’ve probably done (drunk, in my defense), at some point)

    | August 5, 2008 @ 4:42 pm

  32. Anonymous said,

    How about my favorite “licked the wine bottle drip after pouring a glass”

    | August 5, 2008 @ 5:13 pm

  33. surcie said,

    Brad Sherwood??????????????????????

    Bwahahahaha!!!!

    (That’s my evil laugh. Not my mocking one.)

    | August 5, 2008 @ 7:18 pm

  34. Amy in Ohio said,

    MUST KNOW THE D-LISTER.

    | August 5, 2008 @ 8:10 pm

  35. Amy in Ohio said,

    David Koechner?

    | August 5, 2008 @ 8:22 pm

  36. Lala said,

    Didn’t the guy who played cousin Oliver on Brady Bunch do a Saturday Night Live gig?
    Yup.
    I think you dated Cousin Oliver.

    | August 6, 2008 @ 12:09 pm

  37. Julie said,

    My most superficial personal dealbreaker was when the gentleman in question gazed into my eyes during The Act and breathed, “I’m on fire.”

    GAAAAH

    | August 6, 2008 @ 5:36 pm

  38. Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said,

    Some of these are VERY legitimate reasons. (like #18)

    | August 7, 2008 @ 8:59 pm

  39. iheartchocolate said,

    I am so glad you cleared up that some were the same people or that woulda been 40 breakups! Sheesh girlfriend. (40 to my 70, not bad)

    | August 8, 2008 @ 1:59 am

  40. Piccinigirl said,

    you just make me giggle…
    and seriously every single one of those reasons is a good reason to tell someone to hit the road.

    you do ROCK. :)

    | August 12, 2008 @ 2:54 pm

  41. adsiza said,

    thnks

    | December 22, 2008 @ 8:02 am

  42. GTR said,

    ????,????,??????,????,????,??,A?,A???,????,????,????,??,????,????,????,????,??,aio?????,????,?????,???????,????,??????,????,????,????,???????,????,??,????,???,??a?,????,85cc???,?????,????,18??,????,?????,????,?????,????,????,????,????,?????,??????,????,????,????,????,????,??,??,aio,????,ut???,ut???,?????,???,??????,080?????,??????,?????,????,080???,080??????,6k???,?????,?????,??????,????,????,????,????,???,????,????,??,????,????,hi5,hilive

    | August 26, 2009 @ 8:18 am

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