Hi, I’m back from Maryland where I did a little correspondant work for the Dr. Phil show. I will tell you all about it after I tape the actual show tomorrow!
Anyway, on to this week’s installment of Dear Crabby. If I don’t answer your question this week, look for it this coming Friday!
My husband is helping to plan his best friend’s bachelor party. I feel like he should be supportive of his best friend but I’m not really looking forward to my husband spending a drunken weekend in Vegas oogling and rubbing up against nasty strippers. I asked him how he would feel if I was paying incredibly hot men to show me their junk and rub it against me. He understands my point but thinks that I should just get over it because he isn’t going to get laid or anything. What do you think? Am I overreacting?
Dear Scared of Strippers,
I understand your feelings and I’m sure the majority of women feel similarly to you. But here’s the thing: it’s going to happen anyway. Even if you put your foot down and say, “Babe, it just ain’t happening on my watch” all that would do is make your husband feel that you don’t trust him and are a controlling ball and chain. Neither of us want that. If you say, “Yeah, I get it. Go support your friend and buy him a lapdance on me” he’s going to think you are very cool and look all the more forward to coming back home to you. There are degrees of behavior; it’s normal for a man to go in a pack to a strip club for a bachelor party – it’s just some sort of rite of passage whether we “get it” or not. On the other hand, if your husband was frequenting strip clubs with his buddies for “guys night out” I’d tell him to hit the road. My husband has been to many bachelor parties in Las Vegas since we’ve been married and I don’t love the idea at all that he gets lap dances at these things but I do know that he understands that strippers are “there to make a buck” and not looking for a fine looking man like my husband to fall in love with them. Also, I know many many strippers personally and most of them are pretty haggard up close. Just sayin’.
I have recently purchased a special toy for myself that I like to use when my husband is unavailable. Or when I just have an itch that needs to be scratched without taking care of his needs. Or whenever. My husband doesn’t know about it, and I’m comfortable with that.
The problem is that about 2 days after this new toy arrived in the mail, my father died. Two days after that, he came through on a psychic reading that my friend had, and now I can’t shake the feeling that if I used my new toy, my father would be watching… or if my husband and I did anything outside the regular boundaries of lovemaking, my father would know… how do I shake that feeling?
I’m going to go with my first instinct here: I’m not a licensed psychologist – despite the fact that I enjoy diagnosing people with character disorders on a fairly constant basis – but I think what’s at work here is grief over your father’s death. If your toy came in the mail 2 days after something traumatic happened, you probably can’t help associating the two events in your head a bit. The fact that your dad came through in a psychic reading, whether or not people (even you) believe in that type of thing, makes me think that there was unfinished business or a suddeness to his death that left you needing to connect with him. If that’s true then the fact that you feel your father is watching you would seem a very normal reaction to me. So herein lies the problem: how to get back to normal sexual activity (or kinky as the case may be)? First you need to give yourself time to grieve your father’s passing. Then when you are accepting of the fact that although he is gone, he is looking after you from the afterlife then assume that A) He had plenty of sex in his life and he most certainly masturbated B) He wouldn’t have wanted you to watch either of those activities C) You wouldn’t have wanted to watch him either so D) He wouldn’t want to watch you. So up there in heaven, when you get ready to get yo nasty on, your dad is definitely changing the channel.
I am a stay at home mom of a 2 year old girl and pregnant with my second (about 2 months left to go ). My husband’s family lives several hours away and they like to come and visit every few months. I like them all, thank God, and they are good people and all that. But, here’s the problem: I don’t really want them to stay with us anymore. Our house is just too damn small to have people staying with us for extended visits. The occasional overnight is fine, but several days makes me wanna run and hide. There is just not enough room for any breathing space and it feels like we are all always on top of each other. Having a toddler running around and now adding an infant to the mix, not to mention trying to keep my daughter on any sort of normal napping schedule becomes almost impossible with all the activity in the house and then she is cranky and hard to manage which makes the visits even more enjoyable. I want to get the message across without being a Bi-yotch. As said, they are nice people, but also the type that would be offended by this I’m sure of it. I think they feel like since they don’t get to be here all the time they want to make the most of the visit by spending every waking moment with my daughter. Is it rude to ask them to stay at a local hotel for future visits?
This one is sort of a no-brainer. Grow a set and tell them how you feel in a nice way. “Hey guys, things are getting pretty hairy around here in this small space with my growing belly. Seriously, my stomach practically needs its own room! (injecting humor helps take the sting out). We’d obviously love a visit from you, but for now, taking all of our comfort into account, I think having you guys at a nearby hotel would be our best bet. Let me research a few places and set it up.” Simple, to the point, but it does take a little bravery. If they get offended, you can always blame it on the pregnancy hormones. You aren’t being selfish you’re just taking care of yourself. And as long as you offer to help locate a comfortable alternative, you’re doing your part!
Let me know if you all agree or disagree with my advice!