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Top 20 Superficial Reasons I’ve Broken Up With Someone

When I was young(er) and single, before I met my husband, I couldn’t maintain interest in a new guy for longer than it took Jell-O to set. I’d go on a few dates, think I was falling for the guy only to disregard him for a superficial reason. Of course at the time, these reasons didn’t seem superficial and actually, looking back, I can kind of see that I was probably right. Here is a definitely incomplete list of those reasons:

1. Too passionate about bowling.

2. Once wore those crazy multi-colored MC Hammer pants.

3. Called me a “special lady.”

4. Was a member of a “smoked fish of the month club.”

5. Drank gin

6. Three words: puka shell necklace

7. Collected weird knick knacks that took up every available surface in his apartment.

8. Swished wine around in his glass before sipping it.

9. Drank canned soda through a straw.

10. Wore chapstick.

11. Libertarian

12. Owned every Tom Cruise movie.

13. Loved the Starship song, “We Built This City.”

14. Used a “buy one entree get the second half off” coupon at a restaurant he took me to.

15. Favorite phrase? YUMMY!

16. Micropenis.

17. Actually told me that the Holocaust happened but was probably very exaggerated.

18. Referred to himself as “gifted.”

19. Slept on a yoga mat on his floor because it was “better for his back.”

20. Didn’t care for Woody Allen.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on July 16, 2008 9:21 pmUncategorized65 comments  

65 Comments

  1. Backpacking Dad said,

    Dammit. Why did I have to out myself as “Woody Allen Apathetic” just days before I’m supposed to meet you?

    Crap.

    You’re going to “lose” my number now, right?

    | July 16, 2008 @ 10:43 pm

  2. Ramblin' Red said,

    Numbers 11 and 16 are not superficial at all, at least not in my book 😉 They are damned good reasons to run the hell out!

    | July 16, 2008 @ 10:44 pm

  3. Raging Dad said,

    I fail on the chapstick measure, but am clear on the rest. Except maybe the “gifted” one. And maybe I drink gin, but only with tonic. That coupon one is a killer. How embarrassing for him!

    | July 16, 2008 @ 10:48 pm

  4. S. said,

    Actually, I think all of these except for #10 (guys need chapstick, too!) are perfectly acceptable reasons to break up with someone.

    | July 16, 2008 @ 10:48 pm

  5. Kristi said,

    Seriously, what kind of man drinks soda out of a can through a straw?

    You did the right thing.

    | July 16, 2008 @ 10:58 pm

  6. Black Hockey Jesus said,

    It’s just another Sunday in a tired old street
    Police have got the choke hold, and we just lost the beat

    Who counts the money underneath the bar
    Who rides the wrecking ball into our guitars
    Don’t tell us you need us, ’cause we’re the ship of fools
    Looking for America, crawling through your schools

    | July 16, 2008 @ 11:02 pm

  7. Middle Aged woman said,

    And THAT, Black Hockey Jesus, is why she dumped your ass.

    | July 16, 2008 @ 11:20 pm

  8. Anonymous said,

    uh…9 & 16 are immediate deal breakers!

    | July 16, 2008 @ 11:21 pm

  9. Aunt Becky said,

    Bwahahahaha!

    Micropenis. I’d forgotten about Jake “The Inchworm” until now.

    Bwahahahaha!

    | July 16, 2008 @ 11:30 pm

  10. Kia said,

    The weird knick knacks! That one got me once, too! :)

    | July 16, 2008 @ 11:50 pm

  11. Mommy Melee said,

    Damn. I kind of love “We Built This City.”

    However, my boner is huge.

    | July 17, 2008 @ 12:17 am

  12. Marinka said,

    I can’t stop laughing at “Micropenis”. I refer to it as “Hint of Penis”. And what is wrong with gin? (slurred with a cigarette hanging off my lower lip)

    | July 17, 2008 @ 12:18 am

  13. Kimi said,

    #13 is a completely valid reason for dumping someone. Now I am going to be singing that damn song all night.

    | July 17, 2008 @ 12:35 am

  14. Blackberry Cinderella said,

    I feel bad for you having to actually go out with some of this people!!
    I can relate to the micropenis one, and the buy one get another half off.
    First case, he was sooooo hot and sexy… you can imagine my dissapointment…
    Second one, this dirtbag took me to the most expensive bar for drinks, ordered one after the other and in the end I had to pay for most of it because he didn’t have enough money for ONE of them.
    And yet I only had one single margarita…

    | July 17, 2008 @ 12:37 am

  15. Anonymous said,

    i agree with most of them… and i thought i was the only one who had a hang up on men using chapstick. and “6. Three words: puka shell necklace,” i totally used this one before.

    a mini-list of my own:
    1. hairy feet.. as in a thick coat on the top of each foot.
    2a. matched his polos to his flip flops. every day.
    2b. wore flip flops every day.(winter included)
    3. ellen degeneris look alike.

    | July 17, 2008 @ 12:58 am

  16. Heidi Saxton said,

    * Had television set to the sports channel, and watched it 24/7. No matter WHAT I did to distract him.

    * Lived with his mother. Who plastered her face with an inch of pancake and fushia blusher. And wondered why I didn’t.

    * Who knew baroque musicians had groupie stalkers?

    Met Mr. Right at the U of M Ballroom Dance Club, married him quick … If something happens to him, I have a convent all picked out!

    P.S. You mean you’re NOT supposed to put chardonnay in the sippy cups?

    | July 17, 2008 @ 2:21 am

  17. Rachael said,

    For whatever reason, #13 just made me laugh.

    | July 17, 2008 @ 2:30 am

  18. merlotmom said,

    “salt shaker” – my euphemism for the micropenis. came about while brunching with a friend the morning after and trying to find a visual. it worked.

    | July 17, 2008 @ 3:31 am

  19. Cherise said,

    Mine: He referred proudly to his “limited edition” car.

    Ugh. I hate bragging about name brands. It’s irrelevant and incredibly unattractive.

    | July 17, 2008 @ 4:28 am

  20. Meredith said,

    #2, #6, #13, #16 and #17 are all deal breakers without a doubt. I am quite sure I’ve dumped a #2..and God help me if I end up on a date with a #13 I would just die.

    Hilarious!

    | July 17, 2008 @ 5:45 am

  21. heather said,

    I broke up with a dude because he didn’t know the name of the street he lived on. It wasn’t like he’d just moved or something – no, he’d lived there for years.

    He was so pretty, though.

    | July 17, 2008 @ 6:06 am

  22. E said,

    I was going to start listing all the reasons that I thought were perfectly valid, but I think the shorter list is one of those that I think actually ARE superficial.

    So here goes: 1, 5, 8, and 19. That’s it! For all the rest you were MORE than justified. Especially #7. And #9. And #14.

    | July 17, 2008 @ 6:10 am

  23. CaraBee said,

    I’m a little embarrassed to admit that more than one of these apply to me. Guess that explains a few things.

    | July 17, 2008 @ 11:21 am

  24. Mom to the Girls said,

    LMAO! These are all perfectly good reasons, (except the chapstick one… if it’s the Labello for men)! (I also think I’ve dated some of the same guys.) LMAO!

    | July 17, 2008 @ 11:34 am

  25. Jennifer said,

    MC Hammer pants! LOL! And I’m curious about the knick-knacks! What kind of knick-knacks does a man buy?

    | July 17, 2008 @ 1:42 pm

  26. Carolyn...Online said,

    So you went out with a porn star (#3) David Cassidy (#6) my sexually ambivalent hairdresser (#9) and Neal Boortz (#11)?

    | July 17, 2008 @ 1:53 pm

  27. MB said,

    One word…uncircumsized.

    | July 17, 2008 @ 2:18 pm

  28. rebecca said,

    I think those reasons are all appropriate. They were clearly symptoms of larger issues.

    | July 17, 2008 @ 2:33 pm

  29. mbmom said,

    Buscuit fingers (on an otherwise fit guy). This actually happened more than once. You would think I’d check out the hands before accepting the dates.

    | July 17, 2008 @ 3:06 pm

  30. Lil Sass said,

    Ditto to everything everyone has said! re: these knick knacks …are we talking precious moments figurines? Gag me with a spoon! I once went on a blind date with a guy that looked like Meatloaf. And after our date, I kept thinking to myself how I would do anything for love but I just “won’t do THAT”.

    | July 17, 2008 @ 3:49 pm

  31. Catwoman said,

    Micropenises are NOT a superficial reason to break up with someone.

    A week before I met Sweetie Pie, I was seeing this guy and when I slept with him for the first time, I couldn’t even tell he was in.

    A week later, I met Sweetie Pie and I came back from Texas saying that it wasn’t just their horses who were hung.

    Guess who I dumped immediately and who I married three years later.

    | July 17, 2008 @ 3:57 pm

  32. Tuesday Girl said,

    Micro penis is reason to break up with anyone. Lets be real.

    | July 17, 2008 @ 4:15 pm

  33. Becky said,

    Oh wow! you were totally justified!

    I can’t believe that these all happened to you – what a string of bad luck.
    :) Becky

    http://www.stinkylemsky.typepad.com/

    | July 17, 2008 @ 4:50 pm

  34. Missicat said,

    I agree with so many of these it’s scary. Actually I agree wiht ALL of them. Especially #12 and #14. Did someone really say #17 to you??? Good lord…..

    | July 17, 2008 @ 6:36 pm

  35. Stefanie said,

    A lot of people are sticking up for the guys wearing chapstick. Let me just say that it looks weird when they put it on – sort of like women putting on lipstick. I don’t know, it bugs me. Sue me.

    | July 17, 2008 @ 6:41 pm

  36. MetroDad said,

    I’ve broken up with far more women for far less. I’m far too embarrassed to even list them. You’re far braver than I am.

    And I totally agree with you. Men putting on chapstick looks totally gay.

    | July 17, 2008 @ 8:05 pm

  37. www.startswithanx.com said,

    Those all sound like damn good reasons to me. But were these the reasons you sighted when you broke up?

    | July 18, 2008 @ 4:48 am

  38. Threeundertwo said,

    You are so hilarious. Now I have that Starship song in my head.

    | July 18, 2008 @ 10:53 am

  39. MereCat said,

    I think every one of those things is most annoying. There would have to be some pretty serious redeeming factors for me to continue the deal after any of these offenses.

    | July 18, 2008 @ 11:34 am

  40. Denise Thomas said,

    I thought you said these reasons were superficial…

    | July 19, 2008 @ 3:41 pm

  41. ShannanB said,

    This is great. I once stopped seeing a guy because I thought he had “old man” hands……. I was young….

    | July 19, 2008 @ 5:10 pm

  42. sarah said,

    These are all excellent reasons for ending a relationship. Some of them downright creep me out.

    | July 19, 2008 @ 10:04 pm

  43. surcie said,

    I was all “eew, eew, eew” until number 20.

    | July 20, 2008 @ 12:56 pm

  44. Jozet at Halushki said,

    omg…you just described my husband.

    heh.

    Just kidding.

    My most dear superficial reason for dumping any guy immediately was “wears cologne”. But, there was a goof (Freudian) reason. The only time my dad ever wore cologne was to go to funerals. So…you know…

    | July 20, 2008 @ 4:41 pm

  45. Jenny said,

    Hahah!!!
    1. wears berkinstocks (w/socks)!
    2. kisses like a fish
    3. cries because he is terrified of the nosebleed seats he bought at the opera
    4. smells like garlic

    | July 20, 2008 @ 6:29 pm

  46. Mimi said,

    #16 – NOT superficial!

    One not on your list – too much body hair. (Picture 98% covered, and thick! Don’t try to imagine the sweat!)

    | July 20, 2008 @ 10:23 pm

  47. CP said,

    It was so great to get to meet you in person yesterday and again last night. Thanks for all of the migraine advice (glad you were feeling better)! And, thanks for the words of wisdom re the child’s perspective.

    | July 21, 2008 @ 3:38 am

  48. WickedStepMom said,

    You want to know what is really scary about reason number 14? I had the exact same thing happen to me, it was a second date. There wasn’t a third

    | July 21, 2008 @ 3:25 pm

  49. And Baby Will Make 4 said,

    LOL…I’m dying here. Especially since I too broke up with a micropenis. Hee.

    | July 21, 2008 @ 5:46 pm

  50. CaraBee said,

    Btw – just finished Sippy Cups and LOVED it!

    | July 21, 2008 @ 5:50 pm

  51. Trish said,

    I agree with at least 15 of those reasons. You did the right thing.

    | July 21, 2008 @ 7:44 pm

  52. Marinka said,

    Although now I’m thinking that if you didn’t break up with these men, but serially married them, there would be so much wonderful blogging material.

    | July 21, 2008 @ 8:23 pm

  53. dgm said,

    Geez, I’ve dumped guys because they weren’t libertarian ENOUGH.

    | July 21, 2008 @ 9:57 pm

  54. kristaly said,

    but woody is such a creepy bastidge…

    | July 21, 2008 @ 11:18 pm

  55. Ali said,

    men who say “yummy” give me hives. GRR. also? men who say “tummy”.
    these are not words that grown men should use.

    | July 22, 2008 @ 3:42 pm

  56. Gidge said,

    I broke up with someone, a fiancee, after the crying game – because I realized the IRA guy loved the little trannie more than I loved my fiancee.

    And I told him that.
    He started going out with strippers after we broke up……

    | July 22, 2008 @ 4:04 pm

  57. Shamelessly Sassy said,

    This might be the best post idea ever.

    | July 22, 2008 @ 4:24 pm

  58. breed 'em and weep said,

    GENIUS. I would call it a “yummy” post, but, uh, now I know better. Even though I’m a girl and might be able to pull it off.

    | July 22, 2008 @ 8:15 pm

  59. Pamela said,

    Single till 35, and have used most of those reasons plus quite a few more!

    However, my sister was dumped with the most stupid excuse. She did not wear make-up!

    | July 23, 2008 @ 8:07 am

  60. Minnesota Matron said,

    Ha. Love this. The Matron, when she was a Young Miss, actually STAYED with someone because of this.

    Boyfriend: “Don’t break up with me. LIsten, you know that I’m going to inherit 4 million dollars when I turn 28, right? I love you and will always take care of you. Marry me. Marry me! Just be with me and I’ll take care of you forever. You don’t have to sleep with me. Just don’t break up with me.”

    Now, the 4 million dollar thing was absolutely hot damn true, and she knew it. So, brilliant young thing that she was, she said: “Okay.”

    That lasted about two weeks.

    | July 24, 2008 @ 4:07 pm

  61. Anonymous said,

    For a moment I thought all of these were describing the same person, and I wondered why you waited so long. Reading for comprehension is hard.

    | July 25, 2008 @ 8:04 pm

  62. g said,

    I once broke up with a guy because I couldn’t stand to watch him eat breakfast. He was overall a nice guy, but at breakfast he mixed all the food into one giant gloppy mess, shoveled it in his mouth and talked with with mouth full. Yuck. I couldnt’ bear it.

    | August 1, 2008 @ 1:42 pm

  63. Sleep Deprivation Ninja said,

    I don’t see any issue with #5 or #8 but it all depends on how it was done.
    #13 is a guilty pleasure of mine going back to when the band had the animated TV show with a spaceship and a peanut shaped robot.
    #19 is ok, but not if he’s ever hoping to get laid.

    #20, however, is not superficial. This is indicative of serious character flaws.
    “I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” -woody allen

    | August 4, 2008 @ 4:52 pm

  64. LiteralDan said,

    I read the second list first, and let me tell you, I felt a lot better about that one than this. I found it plausible that I could easily be guilty of a lot of these, or at the very least I understood people who are (one or two of them, not all– don’t worry).

    So basically, this list made me fearful for my dating prospects if my wife ever gets totally fed up with me. The other list left me comfortable and reassured, laughing at “those jackasses”.

    Please print a retraction of this list as some kind of big misunderstanding, tomorrow or the next day, at the latest.

    Thank you in advance,
    Irritating in Illinois

    | August 5, 2008 @ 10:44 am

  65. GTR said,

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    | August 26, 2009 @ 8:18 am

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