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Open Letter To My Ass

Hello Ass,

– and I feel I can address you with the informal “ass” because I’ve known you for quite a long time-

I would like to ask you a simple question: What’s your deal?

I’ve put off writing this letter because I kept feeling that things might improve on their own. Yes, I’ve had three children and sure I’ve slacked off at the gym over the last months…okay year, but still. Why have you turned on me? What did I do – besides the occasional cookie binge – to make you go so completely soft on me?

Is it because I’m in my forties? Is that why you’re mad? If so, I understand but I’d appreciate it if you’d find another way to communicate with me instead of just dimpling up in anger and losing any semblance of muscle tone. My stomach hasn’t reacted this way so why you? My arms are hanging in there too. What makes you so special?

Is this about me not doing those Cardio Barre classes that I signed up for? Or maybe you’re upset that I blew off the entire Pilates craze. But cut me some slack. Didn’t I do the “Buns of Steel” video four or five times in the late 90’s? Maybe that wasn’t me. But, still I thought about it. And you can’t argue that there have been tons of times I’ve found myself on all fours like a dog kicking my leg up in the air behind me in the most undignified fashion. That’s called spot toning, Mr. Ass. I’ve also subjected myself to machines called Butt Blasters, tried good old fashioned jogging and drank more than my fair share of water from an Evian bottle that went everywhere with me (although I stopped short of buying one of those netted bottle holders -too corny) But you are refusing to do your part.

Although I’ve lost most of my pregnancy weight you will not allow me back into my prepregnancy jeans. At least not without a fight. When I do shove you into a pair, you stubbornly hang over the top in what we gals like to call a “muffin top.” Sounds cute, Ass, but it’s not. Trust me on this.

How can we make peace with each other? At the rate we’re going I fear I will have to break down and buy some Spanx. Neither of us want that. They will be uncomfortable. Let’s work this out before it gets any uglier. I look foward to a time we can face a three way mirror together.

Sincerely,

Me

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on July 9, 2008 7:13 pmUncategorized32 comments  

32 Comments

  1. CP said,

    Your Ass meet My Stomach. Enough said.

    | July 9, 2008 @ 7:33 pm

  2. Anonymous said,

    Have you been reading Tyler Durden too much?
    You turned me on to that site and now I have to stop going because the women he calls fat look so much better than me!

    | July 9, 2008 @ 7:38 pm

  3. Twenty Four At Heart said,

    Your ass and my ass must be kiss-ass cousins! Must be the 40’s thing. Which pisses me off … cuz what’s next to go?

    | July 9, 2008 @ 7:41 pm

  4. Heather said,

    Wait a minute…I thought you were only 32.

    | July 9, 2008 @ 7:42 pm

  5. Backpacking Dad said,

    I’m going to write a sonnet to my abs. I’ll call it: “Hey abs, Beckham has a ten-pack, why do you insist on looking like a keg?”

    | July 9, 2008 @ 7:46 pm

  6. Elise said,

    This is so diplomatically written. I honestly don’t see how your ass could possibly ignore you, now.

    I predict major changes in the next 4-6 weeks. MAJAH! Of course your ass might write back with a list of similar demands; top on the list being “stop eating. like at all”.

    At least that’s what MY ass always does. Unreasonable bitch.

    | July 9, 2008 @ 8:00 pm

  7. Catwoman said,

    My ass and I haven’t spoken in years. I refuse to even look in his general direction and even tried getting a restraining order once.

    And God, I remember Buns of Steel. And remember how the picture on it (in a leotard, ha!) was like the non-existing butt? It’s like they put a leotard on my two year-old son and said “look! Your ass can look like this too!” Actually, no it can’t. Because I? Am not a two-year old boy.

    | July 9, 2008 @ 8:11 pm

  8. Mama Snyder said,

    Would it be wrong for me to forward your letter to my ass? I can sign my own name, or it could be from you. You may not have seen my ass, but believe me, if you did, you would write the letter to it.

    | July 9, 2008 @ 8:26 pm

  9. Aunt Becky said,

    I look rather like a version of myself that was pumped full of air. Think Violet Beauregard without the purple.

    It’s sexxy.

    | July 9, 2008 @ 8:33 pm

  10. iheartchocolate said,

    HA. Mine went south so long ago, I think if I sent it a letter it wouldn’t even remember who I was. (that made much more sense in my head, you just have to trust me)f

    | July 9, 2008 @ 8:38 pm

  11. Suzy said,

    awwwww quit yer whinin’ woman. I had a nice padded ass. Of course I’d put on 20 pounds but I FORGOT ABOUT THAT. I used to be able to sit in a Starbucks chair for hours without getting a blood transfusion.

    Then I lost the 20 lbs and went to Starbucks. 16 minutes before I had to sit on my hands or pass out. So embrace the big butt.

    | July 9, 2008 @ 9:54 pm

  12. Black Hockey Jesus said,

    You should try backflips.

    | July 9, 2008 @ 10:02 pm

  13. MereCat said,

    Good thing asses are in the back. I’ve just quit looking. There’s no convenient escape like that with my stomach.

    | July 9, 2008 @ 11:24 pm

  14. Kia said,

    I think my ass is in cahoots with your ass.

    | July 9, 2008 @ 11:43 pm

  15. CaraBee said,

    I tried to have a similar talk with my ass. It just laughed.

    | July 10, 2008 @ 12:10 am

  16. Mommy Melee said,

    Your ass and my tits would hang out and get sloppy drunk and behave badly and tell war stories.

    And it totally wouldn’t be as fun as it sounds.

    Personally, I don’t understand why babies get to eat our brains and our curvyparts. WHY, BABIES? WHY.

    | July 10, 2008 @ 12:23 am

  17. Mom101 said,

    If you haven’t yet bought the Spanx, then truly, your ass is still looking like it’s in its 30s.

    Trust me.

    | July 10, 2008 @ 1:38 am

  18. Missives said,

    Wait. Was that a letter to my ass or yours? Because it sure sounded like the kind of behavior my ass is exhibiting, and at the age of 38.5, I am disPLEASED.

    | July 10, 2008 @ 1:43 am

  19. JustameR said,

    You wouldn’t believe how much of my correspondence begins “Hello Ass”.

    | July 10, 2008 @ 3:18 am

  20. sarah said,

    I could write this letter to my whole body.

    | July 10, 2008 @ 5:50 am

  21. Ursula said,

    Oh God, this is so true! I’m also in my forties with a 17 month old son and unlike the 30 something moms, my beby weight is still hanging in there, especially on the ass and the tummy!

    | July 10, 2008 @ 9:21 am

  22. Heather said,

    Yeah, my ass is so rude. We’re not on speaking terms right now.

    | July 10, 2008 @ 12:14 pm

  23. reneedesigns said,

    My ass is in much the same shape but I can’t even blame my kid because she’s adopted. I got this way all by myself (hangs head in shame).

    | July 10, 2008 @ 1:46 pm

  24. Beckie said,

    I’m with CP – your ass and my stomach have been in cahoots for sure! And since I’m 28 – I’m pretty sure this means I must forego the oreos immediately.

    | July 10, 2008 @ 2:15 pm

  25. Karen said,

    Attack of the Flabby 40’s! Its disaster!!!
    I am printing this out to send to my own ass. Thank you for putting it so nicely.
    :o)

    | July 10, 2008 @ 2:22 pm

  26. Amy said,

    I understand the tookus situation. My ass has gone south and bonded with the back of my thigh. I have discovered a new body part called the butthigh. Sigh. Please pass me the margaritas and chips

    | July 10, 2008 @ 2:50 pm

  27. Becky said,

    I was just thinking about the frustration I’m having with My Ass. Grumble. Stupid body parts reacting to less exercise and higher caloric intake.
    :) Becky
    http://www.stinkylemsky.typepad.com/

    | July 10, 2008 @ 3:56 pm

  28. Danielle said,

    32 or 40’s? I totally missed something….

    | July 10, 2008 @ 4:06 pm

  29. Laura said,

    Like a previous poster- your ass is apparently working with my stomach. I wish they both would just knock it the fuck off.

    Just finished Naptime… and I loved it, of course. Why can’t you live in GA so we could have playdates? I totally passed your quiz which is something no one else in my area can do.

    | July 10, 2008 @ 4:54 pm

  30. Karen said,

    Ooooh, we are SO on the same wavelength–or should I say asslenght? : http://svmomblog.typepad.com/la_moms_blog/2008/07/to-bare-or-not.html

    | July 10, 2008 @ 5:30 pm

  31. Undomestic Diva said,

    Maybe your ass and my saggy three-kids boob could get a two-for-one deal in therapy. Physical therapy.

    | July 10, 2008 @ 8:41 pm

  32. merlotmom said,

    My muffin top is in the front, it has a name, Larry. Ass meet Larry. Larry meet Ass. May you both f**k off and go to hell.

    | July 10, 2008 @ 9:16 pm

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