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Private Moment Interruptus

So it’s like, I don’t know exactly, maybe 10 p.m. and I’m mixing up a little formula for the overnight feeds and maybe throwing a pot in the dishwasher, you know, mom shit, right? As I’m doing this I mindlessly slap myself on the ass. Yeah, you read that right. I slapped my own ass – maybe more than once. I believe I had a particularly raunchy rap song in my head at the time – Jay Z’s I got 99 Problems But a Bitch Ain’t One – so yeah, I’m giving myself a couple of ass smacks when I look up and see that my kitchen window is wide open and the neighbor happens to be standing in his kitchen which looks directly into mine. I thank God he didn’t wave. We caught eyes and then looked away immediately. Did I mention that he’s a rabbi? I’m not kidding. It was ever so slightly embarrassing.

My bud, Suzy, over at Where Hot Comes To Die is doing a contest where she is giving away one of my books. Well, in actuality, I am giving the book away. But she is putting on a contest. Hey, I’ll take the free publicity.

Love ya, mean it.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on June 20, 2008 9:35 pmUncategorized27 comments  

27 Comments

  1. Backpacking Dad said,

    Eventually I’m going to go ahead and buy a book (ducks). But until then I’m going to keep trying to win one.

    | June 20, 2008 @ 9:53 pm

  2. Heather said,

    Well, I’m better than Backpacking Dad (but you already knew that) because I bought both of your books already. AND I already gave one away on my blog.

    I told Maddie the other day that there ain’t nothin’ sweet ’bout how I hold my gun, and she nodded along like she totally got it. I got 99 problems but my little bitch ain’t one.

    | June 20, 2008 @ 10:12 pm

  3. Count Mockula said,

    Crap, I just bought the books. Oh well, I never win anything, so buying stuff is like winning on Amazon.

    Totally smacked my own ass before. Never been caught by the neighbor.

    By the way, are you down with OPP?

    | June 20, 2008 @ 10:46 pm

  4. Susan@stopcallingmethat said,

    Please, for the love of Pete, do something new and different for the rabbi each night. Let’s see how long it takes, (if ever), for him to buy blinds.

    | June 20, 2008 @ 11:11 pm

  5. Black Hockey Jesus said,

    Wait. So it’s the end of the day, you’re doing Mom stuff, and you just transiton right into SMACKING YOUR OWN ASS? This story doesn’t even need the rabbi voyeur. Because you just… um… start wailing away on your ass? Could you break that down for me how that happens? I mean I think it’s totally fucking awesome. I’m just interested in the process of how you get from making formula to the self ass smacking.

    | June 20, 2008 @ 11:27 pm

  6. Stefanie said,

    Okay BHJ, let me break it down. I’m in my own head, ya know. I’m just bopping around and thinking about rap music makes me kind of spank my butt a little. Someone’s gotta do it. You know, I’m dancing. You’ve never danced and given yourself a little tappity tap?

    | June 20, 2008 @ 11:31 pm

  7. Anonymous said,

    Flagellation comes in all forms :).

    | June 21, 2008 @ 12:09 am

  8. Rachael said,

    Never let a rabbi stop you from smackin’ your own ass. I think that should be a bumper sticker or something.

    | June 21, 2008 @ 12:25 am

  9. Jenée said,

    Funny you should discuss this because lately I’ve invested a fair amount of time trying to figure out why guys love slapping asses so much. I get the lesbian interest, I get the backdoor interest but I can’t figure out why the spankings are so much fun.

    My confusion over male swatting aside, spanking your own ass is just plain freaky. However, I’m sure there are some fetish sites that will pay a lot of money for an MPEG of a “MILF smacking her own ass while the rabbi smacks the salami.” Maybe you should ask Avi where to submit that.

    | June 21, 2008 @ 2:57 am

  10. Chris said,

    Kim and I are several bottles of wine into a Friday night and we have spent so many minutes giggling over your last post. We love you!

    Are you going to BolgHer? We want (no, need) to meet you!

    | June 21, 2008 @ 4:21 am

  11. Jess Riley said,

    I don’t even want to think what our neighbors have seen through our windows. Seen or HEARD.

    Can’t wait to read the new book! Perhaps a review on my blog? Hmmmmmmm???

    | June 21, 2008 @ 4:40 am

  12. Suzy said,

    I’ve been known to enjoy the odd spanking or two. Although not from my own hand because that would be sad. Do you have any leftover drugs I could borrow?

    | June 21, 2008 @ 4:56 am

  13. iheartchocolate said,

    I love your breakdown. You KILL me.
    You really really kill me.

    | June 21, 2008 @ 12:10 pm

  14. SUEB0B said,

    That is great. Sounds like something I would do.

    | June 21, 2008 @ 2:49 pm

  15. Rebecca said,

    that is soooo great.

    at our house our four yr old runs naked from the bathroom to the living room and then slaps her own naked beheind. No rabbis involved.

    | June 22, 2008 @ 10:30 am

  16. MereCat said,

    I’m just glad you an mix formula and groove to some mental jam at the same time. That’s happy!

    | June 22, 2008 @ 5:41 pm

  17. Becky said,

    hahaha, okay, that’s hilarious!
    :) becky
    http://www.stinkylemsky.typepad.com/

    | June 23, 2008 @ 3:16 pm

  18. SciFi Dad said,

    17 comments, and no one has asked whether she used her hand or some kind of kitchen utensil?

    Jeez… what kind of readers are you people?!? It’s the details, the DETAILS I tell you!

    | June 23, 2008 @ 3:48 pm

  19. Undomestic Diva said,

    Ass slappin': Someone’s got to do it. And I mean, hey, aren’t men (even Rabbis I would guess) the kings of do-it-yourself?

    | June 23, 2008 @ 5:09 pm

  20. Wishing 4 One said,

    You are too funny! I’ve been known to hit it a few times myself…

    Can you believe I JUST found you today! 2 years bloggin and you were recommended by my Google Reader of all people. Hey do u have to pay for that?

    Can i get your books in Cairo do you know?

    | June 24, 2008 @ 12:38 am

  21. Eileen said,

    As long as you don’t smack the rabbi’s ass I think you’re okay.

    | June 24, 2008 @ 3:40 am

  22. MetroDad said,

    As a huge Jay-Z fan, I will never quite listen to that song in the same way again. Next time it pops up on the ipod, I’m gonna smack my ass and find myself a rabbi. Kudos to you for changing my rap world.

    | June 24, 2008 @ 5:33 am

  23. Black Hockey Jesus said,

    I’ve been experimenting with video on my blog, and I’m thinking this whole Jay-Z ass-smacking business would be a lot more clearly illustrated with some video. I’m still confused.

    | June 24, 2008 @ 6:44 am

  24. Cheryl Lage said,

    Two comments on one post?
    Just wanted you to know that you’ve been bestowed with a wee blog award from me!
    Thank you for cheering my days!
    Go peek here:
    http://twinfatuation.blogspot.com/2008/06/love-will-keep-us-together.html

    | June 24, 2008 @ 6:32 pm

  25. Ramblin' Red said,

    OMG, that private moment is hilarious.

    | June 25, 2008 @ 7:25 pm

  26. ro2b51 said,

    She will get there!
    Take a look at my little G – He wasn’t on the chart until yesterday.
    http://www.cajunbellydancer.blogspot.com
    Rebecca

    | June 25, 2008 @ 10:22 pm

  27. Anonymous said,

    hi! I have never left a message to this blog but feel the need to….. just finished both of your books…… wowza… i feel like you are speaking to me!
    Thank you for sharing your excellent insight into the world of new momyhood….. and life with a toddler.

    My hat os so off to you. You have THREE children… which, by the way, are ADORABLE! (but you already know that!!!) I have one and one on the way….

    I really hope the food thing is going better. Hang in there. You ROCK!!!

    Can’t WAIT until your next book comes out. Please keep writing. I think your books should be a pre-requisite before have kids. I think it would make many new (and seasoned) moms feel better! You are real… love that!! Thank you again and all the best to you with your children and husband!!!

    | June 30, 2008 @ 1:19 am

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