So it’s like, I don’t know exactly, maybe 10 p.m. and I’m mixing up a little formula for the overnight feeds and maybe throwing a pot in the dishwasher, you know, mom shit, right? As I’m doing this I mindlessly slap myself on the ass. Yeah, you read that right. I slapped my own ass – maybe more than once. I believe I had a particularly raunchy rap song in my head at the time – Jay Z’s I got 99 Problems But a Bitch Ain’t One – so yeah, I’m giving myself a couple of ass smacks when I look up and see that my kitchen window is wide open and the neighbor happens to be standing in his kitchen which looks directly into mine. I thank God he didn’t wave. We caught eyes and then looked away immediately. Did I mention that he’s a rabbi? I’m not kidding. It was ever so slightly embarrassing.
My bud, Suzy, over at Where Hot Comes To Die is doing a contest where she is giving away one of my books. Well, in actuality, I am giving the book away. But she is putting on a contest. Hey, I’ll take the free publicity.
Wait. So it’s the end of the day, you’re doing Mom stuff, and you just transiton right into SMACKING YOUR OWN ASS? This story doesn’t even need the rabbi voyeur. Because you just… um… start wailing away on your ass? Could you break that down for me how that happens? I mean I think it’s totally fucking awesome. I’m just interested in the process of how you get from making formula to the self ass smacking.
Okay BHJ, let me break it down. I’m in my own head, ya know. I’m just bopping around and thinking about rap music makes me kind of spank my butt a little. Someone’s gotta do it. You know, I’m dancing. You’ve never danced and given yourself a little tappity tap?
Funny you should discuss this because lately I’ve invested a fair amount of time trying to figure out why guys love slapping asses so much. I get the lesbian interest, I get the backdoor interest but I can’t figure out why the spankings are so much fun.
My confusion over male swatting aside, spanking your own ass is just plain freaky. However, I’m sure there are some fetish sites that will pay a lot of money for an MPEG of a “MILF smacking her own ass while the rabbi smacks the salami.” Maybe you should ask Avi where to submit that.
As a huge Jay-Z fan, I will never quite listen to that song in the same way again. Next time it pops up on the ipod, I’m gonna smack my ass and find myself a rabbi. Kudos to you for changing my rap world.
hi! I have never left a message to this blog but feel the need to….. just finished both of your books…… wowza… i feel like you are speaking to me! Thank you for sharing your excellent insight into the world of new momyhood….. and life with a toddler.
My hat os so off to you. You have THREE children… which, by the way, are ADORABLE! (but you already know that!!!) I have one and one on the way….
I really hope the food thing is going better. Hang in there. You ROCK!!!
Can’t WAIT until your next book comes out. Please keep writing. I think your books should be a pre-requisite before have kids. I think it would make many new (and seasoned) moms feel better! You are real… love that!! Thank you again and all the best to you with your children and husband!!!