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The Heartbreak Kid

My little Elby was a disastrous pill all weekend. I simply couldn’t understand why she whined so constantly and could not make a request for something as simple as juice without going straight to tears as if, unless she cried, we’d say, “Juice? Have you gone completely insane? What gives you the impression that your dad or I would want to get off this couch to help you quench your thirst? You want us to actually parent you and get you something to drink?” I found myself getting more and more frustrated. Why so much crying? What happened to my sparkly little spitfire who used to be full of funny and smiles?

So last night, it came to a head when, while getting her hair washed, Elby screamed as if rather than lathering a little Suave Watermelon Kids No Tears shampoo in her hair, we were washing her mouth out with turpentine. I was done. Seriously done. So when tears came at which nightgown she was going to wear, she got a time-out. I made her sit on her bed for three minutes and she wasn’t allowed to cry for the last minute or it had to start again. We counted to sixty together after she’d stopped crying and when she came out of her room she was much improved. Of course, the babies were still screaming as they had been for two days. And then it finally hit me what was going on all weekend.

This morning we had a talk. I picked her up from where she was lying on the floor with her purple blanket and carried her around the house like a baby and asked her if she missed being mommy’s little baby. She nodded her head emphatically no. But we sat on her bed together and I asked her again. Her eyes started to tear and she actually tried not to cry. I held her. “It’s okay to feel sad that there are two babies in the house all the time and you, my big girl, don’t get enough attention. It’s okay to wish you were still the baby.” She threw her arms around me and put her head into my chest -which felt tighter than a fist from the lethal combination of guilt, love, anxiety and the knowledge that I will never be able to give her as much as I want now that I have two more children. I hugged her so hard and tried not to cry myself. I promised to try harder to spend a little extra time with her and promised her it would get easier as the babies grow. Was I lying? I hope I wasn’t. I miss my baby girl. And then, on the way to school, she laughed and sang along with the soundtrack to “Once” and I felt like at least for this brief moment, it was just the two of us, and I had her back.

Okay, do yourselves a favor and check out my new favorite blogger Black Hockey Jesus. I really want to feel like I discovered him! He’s just hilarious and intelligent and different. Read through a few entries and you will totally see what I mean. His blog is called The Wind In Your Vagina. See? Already funny. And maybe you could leave him a little comment. Cause he’s sort of new. Remember when you were new and needed feedback?

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on June 2, 2008 6:20 pmUncategorized35 comments  

35 Comments

  1. Sharon said,

    Lord knows I have had many of those days…My daughter is 2 yrs. 4 months and has officially been initiated into the “Terrible Twos” club. Although by now I think she is a founding member. Her latest thing is saying NO to everything. Freaking ridiculous..
    Anyway, I just bought your latest book over the weekend and I am thoroughly enjoying thus far. I am only in Ch. 2, but about every other sentence I am nudging my husband and saying…”Man, this is hilarious!” He says he wants to read it next!
    Just because I feel I need to give myself a shout out… if you ever want a funny read, I have a blog called http://www.adventuredofmamag.blogspot.com
    And trust me… there are some interesting things going on over there! Haha! Have a great day!!

    | June 2, 2008 @ 7:13 pm

  2. Sharon said,

    Well, you would think I could write my own blogs website right, but apparently I can’t… the right address is:
    http://www.adventuresofmamag.blogspot.com

    | June 2, 2008 @ 7:15 pm

  3. Anonymous said,

    I’m pregnant with my second right now, my first just turned 2. I havn’t been too worried about that whole part of it until now. I know thats gotta hurt!!

    | June 2, 2008 @ 7:50 pm

  4. Anonymous said,

    ooo but can I ask what I am really wondering-so then I can formulate my own opinion based on yours. What do you think of Denise Richards??!

    | June 2, 2008 @ 7:57 pm

  5. Stefanie said,

    I didn’t see the show but I feel like I’m going to love it. Will I?

    | June 2, 2008 @ 8:04 pm

  6. Heather said,

    Fuck! I already have that guilt…over my DOG. So really, if there was any doubt I would remain a one-child gal, it’s gone now. It’s your fault that Maddie is going to grow up alone.

    | June 2, 2008 @ 9:32 pm

  7. Backpacking Dad said,

    I know a place that is selling a pony.

    | June 2, 2008 @ 9:45 pm

  8. Denise Thomas said,

    crap, now I KNOW I’m a bad mother, cause if you think there is any way I would be so nice as to sit on the bed and count to sixty mid-meltdown, you’ve got another thing coming. at that point I would be gulping down the contents of my flask and trying to remember why strangling is bad.
    you nice mommy.

    | June 2, 2008 @ 9:57 pm

  9. Ramblin' Red said,

    That transition from one to more is just heartbreaking with moments like these…but it does ebb and flow between easier and harder.

    As for the blog you’ve shared…sounds hilarious, going right over.

    | June 2, 2008 @ 10:24 pm

  10. Rachael said,

    What a hard transition for a little kid, and it sounds like you’re handling it so well. You win today for post that makes me cry on my keyboard.

    By the way, it made me SO happy that your daughter was singing along to the “Once” soundtrack – that is one of my favorite movies of all time, and I bet she is totally adorable singing to it!

    | June 2, 2008 @ 11:49 pm

  11. Land of Bean said,

    I actually teared up a little when I read this post. Although we’re a long way from another baby, I already agonize about how I will be able to love another one as much as I do my sweet little bean. And beyond that, what it will mean for her with so much of my attention on a new baby. I have to think that the adoration the new one(s) will pour on their big sister will go a long way to help make up for losing our undivided attention.

    Loved the bit about singing Once. Such great music!

    | June 3, 2008 @ 12:09 am

  12. Black Hockey Jesus said,

    YOU ARE MY COLUMBUS! Black Hockey Jesus: Now read in 30 states. Dear Tennessee, etc., What the fuck is your problem?

    | June 3, 2008 @ 1:22 am

  13. Aunt Becky said,

    Oh dude, I know that feeling well.

    *sighs*

    Parenthood. What fun.

    | June 3, 2008 @ 1:24 am

  14. Manager Mom said,

    My son has started having those bitchy fits at the age of FIVE. I can’t figure out why, unless it’s a whole independence thing. But it is really freaking me out because he was always the mellow one.

    I have read BHJ. He is hilarious and a really good writer.

    | June 3, 2008 @ 1:30 am

  15. Stefanie said,

    Okay, so I didn’t exactly “discover” BHJ. But I linked to him. So there’s that. I was always tickled pink when anyone linked to me that had a lot of readers. It’s pretty amazing the power of actually having people read what you write, wouldn’t you agree? Another thing that’s amazing? Having my babies stop crying for five minutes. But that hasn’t happened yet.

    | June 3, 2008 @ 1:48 am

  16. Black Hockey Jesus said,

    And in ref to your story. Setting: a bunch of ladies cooing over baby Lucy. Jackson: Missing. Found on back steps with wet cheeks trying to suck it up. I don’t even finish his name before he says: “No Dad. She is cute. She’s real cute. She is. She is.” Gotta stop – I’m a puddle.

    | June 3, 2008 @ 2:13 am

  17. Undomestic Diva said,

    The balance thing with more than one kid sucks. And it’s hardest on the oldest, because I sometimes forget that just because he’s the oldest, doesn’t mean he’s old enough to understand.

    Seriously… I had no idea motherhood meant a butt load of guilt and anxiety and exhaustion over being fair and just and EVERYTHING ELSE.

    | June 3, 2008 @ 4:33 am

  18. Anonymous said,

    What was it about BHJ that you liked? He sounds nuts to me.

    | June 3, 2008 @ 5:07 am

  19. LiteralDan said,

    I think the sudden whining/crying/helplessness/strangle-begging must be going around, because we’ve been laid up with it for several days now here, as well. At least you solved yours, heartbreaking though it was.

    And Black Hockey Jesus is awesome– I can’t even remember where I found him from, even though it was just a couple hours ago, but I actually found YOU through HIS site. Weird, huh?

    I also second his hilarious emotion (earlier in this comment chain) towards my holdout states– even after having visitors from multiple countries on every inhabited continent, I still have a few U.S. states stubbornly refusing to help keep my ego afloat. What’s with that?? I just want to collect them all– is that so wrong?

    | June 3, 2008 @ 7:22 am

  20. Black Hockey Jesus said,

    “What was it about BHJ that you liked? He sounds nuts to me.” STEF! You never said people were going to be mean to me. You said people would love me & heap praise upon me. And yet there’s people being mean to me. So who is this “anonymous” person? I thought I was your favorite new blogger. Well you’re just going to have to make a choice: anonymous or me.

    | June 3, 2008 @ 11:33 am

  21. Deezee said,

    you gave your oldest such an amazing gift with that talk. cudos (sp?) to you…

    | June 3, 2008 @ 1:12 pm

  22. DIXIECHICK said,

    I have four kids…four boys…and I have had that same issue. It is hard to find yourself pulled in so many different directions…especially when they all need something at once. With infant twins, I know you have barely enough time for them…infants are very demanding…so, you do what you have to do…and unfortunately, your little miss doesn’t get all the attention she once got…I found that I had to allot Mommy and me dates for my boys, individually…even if it was only for a couple hours a week…leaving the other kids with their dad or someone else…it helped them to know that I was still there for them, they were still just as special. I love your blog by the way, I am going today to pick up your books….I can’t wait to read them. Have a great day!

    | June 3, 2008 @ 1:30 pm

  23. Lynsey said,

    Oh it’s so rough having two little sisters to deal with and take the attention away. If only she could see the day when she’ll be able to drive and they’ll be wishing they were. :)

    Lyns

    | June 3, 2008 @ 2:44 pm

  24. Catwoman said,

    Holy crap, you actually made me cry.

    OK, fine I’m an overtired, hormonal mess with unwashed hair today, but still, I haven’t cried since five minutes ago when I spilled the last sip of my Starbucks non-fat Chai Latte.

    You make Jo the Super nanny look like she doesn’t know what she’s talking about. That was brilliant intuitive parenting right there. Elby is lucky to have you.

    And yes, it is hard. And I’ve been in Elby’s position, and I honestly think that it’s because my parents had no time for me that I was a bitter slutty teenager.

    That’s not making you feel better, is it? Just give me a second, I’m getting to the point… The point is that by RECOGNIZING this and letting Elby know that you understand her feelings, you are leaps and bounds ahead of it. Maybe once the twins are a little older and your hubby feels he can handle the twins, you could take Elby to even McDonald’s or for ice cream, just the two of you, Mama and Elby time to talk.

    And I bet you anything, that 20 years from now, she’ll still talk about how special you made her feel.

    And that’s the end of me telling you how much I think you rock. Until your next post anyway.

    | June 3, 2008 @ 3:07 pm

  25. MereCat said,

    Oh that story made me cry, too. Can I go to time out? I have a little broken heart for both of you.

    It will get easier as they grow. You were telling the truth. It’s easier when they can do stuff like sit up and play. But it basically sucks up until then.

    | June 3, 2008 @ 6:47 pm

  26. Danielle said,

    So, I haven’t done all of my homework and I’m not sure exactly how old your little Elby is…

    but

    My almost four year old has been a whiney cranky mess also (and I’ve been stabbing myself in the leg with a stick). I send him to his room when I’ve had enough and tell him not to come down until he is happier.

    It usually works.

    But yesterday when I went upstairs to check on him, I held him in my arms and told him that if he feels like he needs more attention to just try to tell me. That he doesn’t have to cry for me to love on him a little.

    When he got out of the bath, he said softly in his towel, “Mom, carry me like a baby.”

    uh. my heart hurts.

    | June 3, 2008 @ 7:26 pm

  27. BlogWhore said,

    that makes me cry. i am trying to decide whether to have another child or not. i love my little girl so dearly. and i love what we have. i don’t know if i can love more babies as much as i love her or if i will resent more children for coming between me and my first born.

    and it makes me cry so much because i also miss my girl being a baby. and it goes so darn fast.

    | June 3, 2008 @ 8:52 pm

  28. Ms Picket To You said,

    oldest daughter was not yet two when second daughter was born. second daughter was wailing as was her way and oldest daughter said, mama i really don’t like this noisy baby do you? and then I cried and she patted me on the back and said its not your fault. which in fact it was but i appreciated the sentiment.

    when their little brother turned four a month or so ago, they both got very melancholy and weird. why? i asked. because they missed him being a baby.

    so i guess all the angst worked out in the end as surely it will for you.

    OK — off to vagina with wind man…

    | June 3, 2008 @ 9:42 pm

  29. Leslie said,

    I feel your pain….er…or Elbie’s pain because my son went through the same thing. He was the “King” around our house and then his little brother arrived and stole his thunder. I remember having SO much guilt about having a second baby – it was crazy. I felt so bad about “messing up our little threesome” Now I work really hard to make sure that I give both kids lots of individual attention, which usually means I have zippo time for myself. Funny how my HUSBAND never suffered from those feelings of guilt. Damn men.

    | June 3, 2008 @ 11:41 pm

  30. Marty@lilRinser.com said,

    Read your post. Hair washing is a battle,check out http://www.lilrinser.com

    | June 4, 2008 @ 12:19 am

  31. Missy said,

    Sigh.whimper.sigh. Had almost the same convo with my 3 year old today….baby Annie being all of 3 weeks old we are now out of the “honeymoon” phase. As I was explaining to him how Annie needs me to help her eat and help her sleep and help her feel safe because she is so little, my sweet fella’s eyes filled with tears that he could only blink away….”I still wittow too mommy”.
    Such wisdom.

    | June 4, 2008 @ 1:32 am

  32. Mama Snyder said,

    Why does mommy-ing always have to be effen hard? My big girl asked – “Mama, can we cuddle tonight, and even if one of the babies cry, you just still hold me?”
    I’m feeling it, too. Only I think you are way more intuitive.

    | June 4, 2008 @ 3:35 am

  33. OverDad said,

    It’s difficult enough with bringing one baby home and, but the poor girl has been ousted by two! At least she’s not beating them or anything, in view of the situation I think she’s handling it well. Kudos for taking her out for a day by herself though, that is awesome. Also love the new blogger, will head over there to leave him some love, not in a gay way.

    | June 5, 2008 @ 2:32 pm

  34. toast2mom said,

    Comments are like Christmas presents to new bloggers… So is acknowledgement to complimentary emails…that’s nice too.

    | June 9, 2008 @ 7:49 pm

  35. Fred Farnsworth said,

    Graceful theme. This blog about different pills available in market .One should go through this blog if want to get good knowledge about pills&other medicines. Have a nice day….

    | June 17, 2008 @ 9:27 am

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