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Archive for February, 2008

This is Your Brain – This is Your Brain on Tranks

Excuse the lack of posting last week but turns out that having twins is kind of challenging. Who knew?

So, last week I went to the new shrink who, coincidentally is an addiction specialist. This was completely random because my insurance company gave me about 15 names and I called the ones who were the closest and then took the first one with a Jewish name who was taking new patients. Then, after making my appointment, I Googled him and found out his specialty. This actually thrilled me to no end because I couldn’t wait to get his take on Celebrity Rehab! To my shock and dismay, he’d never watched it. What kind of addiction specialist worth his salt, who practices in Los Angeles, no less, wouldn’t watch Celebrity Rehab? I had to rethink my choice. The poor man didn’t even know who Dr. Drew is. Of course, I told him he has to watch because Daniel Baldwin is a hot mess and downloaded pics of his genitals on the phone to Mary Cary the porn star even though he has a wife at home (WHO HE MET BECAUSE SHE WAS THE COOK AT HIS LAST REHAB) and a baby. Then, Daniel decided the whole thing is not conducive to his sobriety. Hey, Danny, I don’t think your shit is conducive to ANYONE’S sobriety. But I hugely digress…

My not-up-to-speed-on-reality-shows doctor was kind of old school. I imagine that he put in some grueling hours at hard core rehab facilities. The kind that aren’t in Malibu and don’t serve rasberries and croissants for breakfast. After I told him my situation of being on Zoloft and my recent prescription for Xanax he diagnosed me as being “hooked on the tranks” I kid you not. He used that phrase. Really? Do people who are not in bad 70’s movies talk that way? Apparently yes.

I told him I found that hard to believe since I’d only been taking them for a couple of weeks and didn’t crave them so much as found they made me FEEL BETTER but he insisted that every body chemistry is different and that even if you don’t feel at all drugged you can still be dependant. Then he reluctantly wrote me another prescription for “the tranks” because he didn’t want me to just stop taking them cold turkey. I turned down the scrip because I had enough at home to last me until our next appointment. How many drug addicts say “no thanks” to a prescription? Then he left the prescription laying out on the desk to the reception area. I actually had to say to him, “hey, you may not want to leave this out here…being an ADDICTION SPECIALIST and all.” I figured it’s gotta be like a jar of jellybeans to these clients. Can’t you just see the next patient walking in, seeing this and thinking they just won the lottery?

So don’t worry my friends, soon I will be off the tranks! But until then, I will enjoy feeling normal – as normal as one can feel who is barely sleeping, trying to lose baby weight, and taking care of newborns.

Before I go, a couple of recommends: first off, I want to introduce a new blogger to our little world. She is someone in my life who is really really cool and going through a tough time. If we give her some encouragement, she will probably open up with her story and I believe a lot of us can relate. http://www.goodjujy.blogspot.com/ is her blog and she just started. Give her a little love. Would it kill you to comment?

I would also like to recommend a book – yes, it’s a mom book, but it’s so different and honest. If you had a colicy baby, you will relate to this woman’s story . I read the book in one sitting and am her new biggest fan. It’s called The Second Nine Months. Check it out.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on February 12, 2008 6:38 pmUncategorized10 comments  

You Know You Want to See New Pictures

Did I say new pictures? I meant nude pictures.

My daughter is auditioning for America’s Next Top Model. I told her that Tyra is not big on tattoos and that the scuba glasses are so 1985 but she told me, “I have my own look, mama. I don’t listen to the haters.”

Here are the new ones. They still have that new baby smell even though they’re almost two months old. Although their corrected age is like 3 weeks. I don’t really get the math that’s used for that. Some people count from when they’re home from the NICU and some people count from their due date and some just count from when they were born.
Sadie is about six pounds and Matilda is coming up on nine if she’s not nine already.
So lest you think I have this whole three kids thing completely under control; yesterday, after listening to Mattie scream for 90 minutes straight and during the Superbowl when the Giants are my favorite team, I seriously thought maybe she needed a time out. At least maybe a chance to cry in another room so it wouldn’t be so piercing. I started to slide her bassinett down the hall but the damn thing wouldn’t get through the doorway because it has a wider stance than Senator Larry Craig. Everyone was crying at once and not being able to do a simple thing like move it through the door put me right over the edge. I kicked over the bassinett in frustration(obviously the baby wasn’t in it). My poor husband came running in, took the baby from my arms and told me to go to my room where I cried it out for ten minutes. Yeah, I’m the one who got a time out.
Do they have wireless Internet in the psych ward?

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on February 5, 2008 1:11 amUncategorized28 comments  

Learn From My Mistakes

Forgive me if I repeat anything I’ve talked about before in this story but I just went through a rough experience and I want to be honest about it.

When I was in the hospital, due to the serious ppd I suffered with my first daughter, my OB wanted me to start back on Zoloft while before I even went home. Although I had my doubts because of the breast milk etc. I, in the end, decided that she was probably right. Before I was pregnant, I was on a fairly low dose of Zoloft and took Clonopin almost daily (again small dose) and it seemed to really keep my anxiety under control and let me live and write like a normal person.

My shrink whom I used to check in with once in awhile left my insurance group before I had my babies But before he left, when I first was pregnant, he said, naturally, NO CLONOPIN and no Zoloft while pregnant so I stopped everything immediately with no ill side effects. I had not a drink or drug through my whole pregnancy and felt mentally fine. But once I had both babies in the NICU and was sent home, I realized I would need something else for anxiety if I was ever to sleep again but I had no shrink anymore. So, with much research I found one who accepts Pacificare but he can’t see me until Feb 5th (in a few days). To tide me over, my OB prescribed Xanax and I took it in the same dose I took Clonnie. But I am a major procrastinator and pretty soon I ran out but hadn’t called for a refill. I felt okay, considering the circumstances, I wasn’t ready to do anything drastic like jump off a cliff or, you know, go to the gym. I figured that I didn’t really need the Xanax and could just wait until my shrink appointment and see if he thought I could just take Zoloft and still be fine as cherry wine.

A couple of days after no Xanax, mama found herself feeling wired for sound. Speedy, racing thoughts, all muscles feeling tense. I just chalked it up to being alone with three kids (which will do that with or without the help of a horse tranquilizer) and went on with my evening of juggling. But after E went to bed and babies were sleeping for an hour I realized I was getting even speedier.

If you read Sippy Cups you may remember that I went completely manic from taking ONE Lexapro so I’m very sensitive to medications. I figured maybe the Zoloft was causing this because I wasn’t taking any Xanax and decided I should probably stop taking it. I didn’t sleep at all that night. By the next morning, Jon sent me to bed and forbid me from watching TV or doing anything besides sleeping. Nice idea but I couldn’t sleep. In fact, the anxiety I was feeling got worse and worse. My phone was ringing incessantly but I couldn’t answer it. I couldn’t check my email. The thought of leaving the house started seeming like an impossibility. What was happening? Was this PPD kicking my ass like never before? I called my OB and left a message. “No, it’s not an emergency” I said, gritting my teeth and holding back the tears. After all, I didn’t want them to think I was “crazy.”

Over the next couple of hours it only got worse. I started crying for no reason. Which isn’t so unusual but my thoughts were dark. That’s when I decided that my babies don’t like me. “They never make eye contact with me,” I sobbed to my husband. “I think I may be a bad mom to Elby. I may overindulge her. I’ve been watching Wife Swap on our TiVo and the lax moms always seem to have precocious, bratty kids. Maybe I’m spoiling her! Oh and by the way, I think I’m starting to lose it” I threw in.

Jon, who has seen me this way before on something as mild as Sudafed told me that I definitely wasn’t seeing reality but that I was sleep deprived and delirious and maybe feeling the Zoloft since I hadn’t been taking any Xanax. It made sense in my head but I didn’t feel better. In fact, I started slowly feeling even worse.

I was still in my bathrobe sobbing off and on at noon. I tried not to make eye contact with my nanny who sweetly pretended like nothing was happening. Finally, I just took to my bed and watched continuous episodes of The Janice Dickenson Modeling Agency (which, by the way is genius – seriously, I’m grateful that in my fucked up state I found this little pot of gold. Janice is crazy and doesn’t care who she fights with. Did you see the episode where she calls the bikini designer a “fucking parrot”? Good good stuff). I must say that no matter how out of control you may feel, Janice D will make you seem like a Buddist Monk in comparison.

I called my OB back and this time cried on the phone that she needed to call me back right away because my post partum was horrendous. Then I thought about what my family would do if I needed to check into a psych hospital for a few days. I hoped if I was committed it would be to the same one Britney Spears was in so we could totally hang out, commiserate about bad we’re doing with our mothering and not wear underwear together.

My OB called me back right away and after hearing my situation for ten seconds said “you are having Xanax withdrawl, sweetie.” “That’s not possible” I said defensively. I’ve been on and off of clonopin for years and never felt a moment’s discomfort. I’m not a drug addict. I take a dose in the morning and one before bed and only what’s prescribed. “Xanax is a much more addictive drug for some people than Clonopin and these are classic withdrawl symptoms. You should never ever quit a drug cold turkey.”

But I’d felt ashamed to need Xanax in the first place and once I felt better I wanted to believe I didn’t need it. So this was not a good time to be dependant on a drug but an even worse time to be feeling like a lunatic with twins and a three-year-old who wants to play Chutes and Ladders over and over.

My OB told me to take some Xanax and then if I want to stop taking it to go off of it slowly. This is embarrassing. Even though I don’t get high or even feel particularly mellow from Xanax, apparently I’m ADDICTED. So there you go. Lesson learned and I am tapering off. This is not to say that I’m against abusing drugs. Vicidon is awesome and were the percocets I got in the hospital. But those actually make you feel all druggy and mellow like you could cold call an ex-boyfriend from years ago to demand closure or write a screenplay over a long weekend. My Xanax gives me no such fun.

So wish me luck with my tapering although I’m in no big rush. I’m not a martyr and I don’t wish to feel like I want to crash my car into a wall. But soon I’m sure the only think I will be dependant on is Janice Dickenson’s Modeling Agency…and methampetamines. After all, I have fucking twins!

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on February 1, 2008 6:25 pmUncategorized21 comments  


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