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WAKE ME WHEN THEY’RE THREE

I’m in hell, people. I don’t know if the babies are colicky or what but, damn, they cried for hours and hours last night until I thought I’d have to claw my way out of my brain with a pickax. I don’t know what the problem is but no luck with swings, bouncy seats, car seats on the dryer, baths, liquor (except for me). Someone tell me why I thought having more kids would be a good idea!!! I need something to take my mind off of this like…a LIFE.

I know, I know, this will pass and someday I will laugh about how bad this sucks right now. But today, not laughing.

Somebody just wake me when they’re three.

And please watch this little video my friend and I made starring Miss Chelsea Handler.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on February 14, 2008 8:53 pmUncategorized27 comments  

27 Comments

  1. Shannon said,

    Have you tried slinging them? Seriously, it frees your hand for the HUGE glass of wine you need. Worked like a charm for Eli during those colicky months.

    | February 14, 2008 @ 10:54 pm

  2. A Mom Two Boys said,

    Three will be here before you know it…especially if you supplement with HUGE glasses of wine. Like Shannon suggested.

    The video is really funny. Vertigo? Awesome. And the Chicken Fried Steak part cracked me up.
    Steak of the Chicken. Ha! You’re awesome.

    | February 15, 2008 @ 12:21 am

  3. Carey said,

    Reading your blog makes me nervous about what my life will be like in a few months… Chelsea ‘effin rocks. I love LOVE her!!!!

    | February 15, 2008 @ 1:48 am

  4. Priscilla Queen of the Jungle said,

    I ain’t got no kids, but I heard about a fool-proof trick they use in the south. Just add a little Johnny Walker to whatever they’re drinking and they’ll sleep like, well, a baby! Who came up with that saying anyways?! It would suck to sleep like a baby, up every 2-3 hours, crappin yourself. Why isn’t it sleeping like the parents of twins? Or sleeping like an 80 year-old man? It must have been the southerners feeding their babies booze to get hem to sleep who coined the phrase…

    | February 15, 2008 @ 3:13 am

  5. pootandcubby said,

    That sounds awful. I used to hate it when people would tell me things would get better and that I would miss having a baby around. It really is a living hell sometimes – and I only ever did one baby at once. Hang in there, girl.

    -andi

    | February 15, 2008 @ 4:03 am

  6. chelsea said,

    have you read The Happiest Baby on the Block or seen the dvd? totally gay-ass name but that shit works, sister. and for swaddling, this blanket rules: http://www.miracleblanket.com/

    | February 15, 2008 @ 10:34 am

  7. emily the mom said,

    Yes, you will laugh, but you won’t actually remember anything. My twins are 4 (and that came very quickly) and everytime someone asks me how I did it, I have to admit that I don’t remember a thing…..

    | February 15, 2008 @ 12:47 pm

  8. Anonymous said,

    Just wanted to tell you that I love your blog.. don’t know how I found it (I’m new to reading blogs) but I love it.. my youngest is a teenager now (OH MY GOD) but I do remember those sleepless nights.. they continue, just for different reasons!! Take care, and keep writing…

    | February 15, 2008 @ 12:57 pm

  9. Mardieal said,

    Jeeze, my heart goes out to you. If you lived in Perth Australia I’d offer to do a night shift. Oh, and the extra baby weight that you can see but probably no one else can…give yourself a break!

    One day at a time, and trust yourself – it’s the only unasked for advice I can think of.

    Take Care.

    | February 15, 2008 @ 1:07 pm

  10. MereCat said,

    My daughter was coliky, and it damn near ran us out of the house. Who am I kidding? It DID run us out of the house. We spent most evenings on the back porch at a picnic table with a big o’ bottle of wine at 10pm eating dinner. After the hell, we just didn’t want to go back in there where we stood the chance of waking her up again. Dear God, it was awful.

    Gripe Water and the swing was probably the only thing that helped any at all, and even then it wasn’t consistent. Mylicon was a total waste of money. You could try a crib wedge that keeps the mattress of the crib at a slight incline. Didn’t work for us, but it did work for my SIL.

    And thanks for the clarification on Chicken Fried Steak. I always wondered wht the hell that was.

    Hang in there. Keep on going. You are going to make it. I promise.

    | February 15, 2008 @ 7:52 pm

  11. Kyddryn said,

    Aww…

    I guess you can’t put then IN the dryer, huh? I wish I knew something that helps, but…please don’t cut me of at the knees for this…my little guy didn’t have colic. He had wicked gas for a couple of days, but not proper colic. I lay him on the floor, stuffed a pacifier in the scream-hole and rolled him back and forth. He liked the pressure on his tummy, and once he farted and burped a whole bunch (like a night at the truck stop, really) he was quiet.

    You can endure.

    The video was funny. My mum heard it in another room and asked what the awful singing was. Hah! Chicken fried steak. Snort.

    | February 15, 2008 @ 7:57 pm

  12. Rabbadingy said,

    Oh my gosh- you got to hang out with Chelsea Handler?! She is so funny and this video is hilarious. Thanks for sharing.

    I hope the babies settle down soon… I agree- the audio of the chainsaws on the Happiest Baby on the Block DVD calmed our daughter when she went BSC (Bat shit crazy). And we also swaddled until she was 6 mos. The miracle blanket is great for when they are bigger because its near impossible for them to get out! But if you need something quick and easy, you can try the Kiddopotamus ones with velcro- super easy- and sold at Babies R Us.

    | February 15, 2008 @ 8:05 pm

  13. Chicagoland Mamacita! said,

    Thanks for the video, I snort in solidarity.

    In my PPD haze, I vaguely remember a routine that helped. We fed, bathed, clothed for bed, walked around the block and then put to bed. After a week or so, kid actually seemed to anticipate it.

    In CA, you have better weather options than us in Chicago. seriously, it’s 20 and sunny, and we’re excited. About the sun.

    | February 15, 2008 @ 8:55 pm

  14. iheartchocolate said,

    When I am feeling blue because of my hasty decision to have my tubes tied, I read you and I feel a bit better. You remind me what life was really like when up to your eyeballs in infant stages. I am sorry you are suffering so. It does get better. Promise.

    | February 15, 2008 @ 9:08 pm

  15. Shannon said,

    I have a few Miracle blankets floating around here if you need them. (((hugs))).

    | February 16, 2008 @ 5:39 am

  16. alex in wonderL.A.nd said,

    wondertime mag did a great piece on colic two or three issues ago. i’ll see if i can get my hands on it and email it to you. i remember clearly while shooting photos of you and elby last year that that was one little girl who ADORED her mama. you are doing plenty right and then some. the new girls in town will soon join the cult of loving you madly and at lower decibels. until they’re fifteen and they’ll start screaming again. but then you can drink with abandon. paperweight is a brilliant song (love radin and fisk! too!) but add a little KT Tunstall “Suddenly I See” vibe to the ipod mix. xo alex.

    | February 16, 2008 @ 10:44 am

  17. sarah said,

    Two pieces of advice from a mom whose preemie was colicky for almost 6 months.

    1.) Miracle Blankets–all other swaddlers are crap.

    2.) The Happiest Baby on the Block. We had new age/heartbeat/whale call music playing at volume level 10 most nights from May until November when Ethan was first born. Good times.

    | February 16, 2008 @ 5:14 pm

  18. L.A. Daddy said,

    Been there, done that. It’s the kind of thing we’ll all look back on and smile as we down that fourth shot…

    | February 16, 2008 @ 8:10 pm

  19. SJ Aka Simple Family said,

    My son did the nonstop crying… does it seem to start later on in the night?

    We bought this fancy baby hammock– was expensive but WORTH IT. I think we went through about 2 months of the nonstop screaming and we were hitting our limit.

    The name is Amby Baby Hammock– it costs a lot but you can get them used and, when you’re done, sell it back online to another mom who is desperate.

    It really did save my marriage, that damn sling.

    | February 17, 2008 @ 3:28 am

  20. Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said,

    You won’t laugh later, but you will be glad it is over.

    | February 17, 2008 @ 3:20 pm

  21. Anonymous said,

    I thought my daughter had colick for about a month and never thought to call the doctor since there is nothing that can be done. When I took her for her 2 month check up I found out she had acid reflux. They put her on Zantac and it was like the she gone through an exorcism. Different kid. The symptoms she had were extreme fussiness (only really at bedtime and night), lots of spit up/puking and coughing. Once I did some reading on the subject, I learned that a ton of kids suffer from it and a lot of them had been mis-diagnosed with colick. Just a thought.

    | February 17, 2008 @ 8:43 pm

  22. Becky said,

    That sounds really tough. That age is hard enough without two of them to care for.

    *hugs*

    And call me before you pickax yourself. Maybe we can get a two-for-one deal on ’em. And Lord knows I am a sucker for deals.

    | February 18, 2008 @ 12:33 am

  23. gmcountrymama said,

    T was colicky, of the classic, cry from 7PM until 10-11PM every night type. Hus and I would try to prepare for it. We would eat early and set ourselves down and try to mentally prepare for what was coming. It was horrible. It helped for a few secs to hold him facing foreward while standing up. He also wanted to nurse continually between screams!
    I’ve heard that recently docs are prescribing acid reflux meds like prevacid. A friend of mine said this seemed to really help.
    Oh, and I remember the colicky time, but my hus doesn’t. It finally went away after a month or so. Thinking of you.

    | February 18, 2008 @ 4:01 pm

  24. Catwoman said,

    Little Man was a nightmare every night, so I can’t even fathom what two Little Men would have been.

    You can have my copy of The Happiest Baby on the Block if you’re too exhausted to order it from BN.com or Amazon. Just email me.

    What worked with Little Man is putting him in his umbrella stroller and just pushing him around the house. Not sure why he was happy that way, but from the time he could hold his head up, we’d just strap him in and push him around our first floor for as long as we could stand it. And it usually worked like a charm. Get yourself a double stroller if you don’t have one yet, or just put one in the sling and put the other one in the stroller and rotate as necessary.

    Yeah, it can feel like an eternity, that’s for sure. I know that with Little Man, it was “just” five months before he was sleeping through the night every night, but man, did that feel like the freaking longest 5 months of my life.

    | February 18, 2008 @ 10:11 pm

  25. Anonymous said,

    Our solution was the vacuum cleaner. I’d turn it on and the screaming stopped. If I shut it off before he was soundly asleep, he’d wake back up screaming. I left it in his room. My neighbors must have thought I was a neat freak but it worked.

    | February 19, 2008 @ 12:52 am

  26. whatthef*ck said,

    have you swaddled up those little wenches? i dont mean some bullshit swaddle but a really tight one that they can’t houdini out of?

    that’s all i got. liquor seems very important. and coffee.

    | February 20, 2008 @ 6:09 am

  27. jchevais said,

    After poking around in your archives, I’v found someone who is charming, witty and brave.

    Sadie? Mattie?…

    Nah… you.

    Loved the post about needing pictures of your tots to be able to pump milk.

    | February 20, 2008 @ 3:02 pm

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