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Archive for January, 2008

Can I Vent For a Minute?

Okay okay, I already said this is hard right? The PPD is kicking in like a mother fucker. Last night my husband and I had a discussion while I sobbed about what we were both going through. He was having trouble understanding what it is exactly that I’m feeling and I was having trouble explaining it. Externally, as he pointed out, he has more on his plate than I do right now. He has enormous pressures at work, plus lack of sleep etc. etc. etc. I, meanwhile, have help and no deadlines or work at the moment. So why you falling apart? he rightfully wondered. He saw me go through this with Elby so he knows how out of control these feelings got for me last time but he somehow expected or hoped that since we’d been here before I’d be able to see that it’s all temporary and know that we’re going to get through it and that it does get better.

What he doesn’t get is that I can’t see anything intellectually through the haze of hormones that are ripping through my body right now. It’s not all day. Yesterday morning I felt good. Positive. “I can do this!” I thought to myself. Yesterday evening I was practically in the fetal position, crying, sure that I was soon to be a divorced single mom with twins and a regressed three-year-old who pees her pants daily. Seriously. Jon asked me what I thought was the worst case scenario and that’s what I told him. And I meant it. I was scared. Intellectually, I know that’s not going to happen but my hormones or whatever tell me a different story.

It can’t be explained unless you’ve been there. I can’t be talked out of it. But I do know it will pass. I do know that.

Jon listened to me and tried so hard to understand. He offered to buy me Brook Shield’s book “Down Came the Rain.” He says we’re a team. Intellectually I believe him.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on January 18, 2008 6:10 pmUncategorized16 comments  

Come for the Honesty – Stay For the Sarcasm

I didn’t want this to be a mommy blog. I really didn’t. Sure I started that way because I had a new baby and I needed to talk about it and connect with other mothers going through similar torture but I figured (which was true) that once the newness of that wore off, I’d have many other scintillating things to discuss, dissect and more words that start with the letter D. But here I am smack dab back in the thick of it.

New baby hell.

Last night was the worst sleep-wise – I don’t even remember what sleeping at night feels like. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel rested. I want to cry but I’m too tired and frustrated. Yesterday, my daughter woke up in the wee hours of the morning, promptly puked all over my husband who was taking a four a.m. feed. She spent all of yesterday home from school with a fever and layed in bed with her sleep deprived mommy while I vacillated between babies, tylenol for her and trying to find a mental hospital that provides childcare. Hey, they have it at the gym, why not the loony bin? By the way, does changing from one bathrobe to a cleaner one count as actually changing your clothes?

To all the nice people who told me to get some help, I have it. We (my husband and I) decided that we’d risk going broke for some daily help. The problem is, right now the babies sleep all day and are up all night. So, feasibly I could leave the house while the babies sleep because someone is here, but I’m so fucking tired from the night before that I’m useless to go anywhere or get anything done. Plus, I have to get up and take my daughter to school and then pick her up and make sure she gets what little energy I have left.

So if I haven’t returned your calls or emails it’s not entirely because I’m flakey which I am, it’s because I’m TIRED.

Last night I layed in bed while my two tiny babies who had been fed, swaddled, held, burped etc. cried and cried for no reason I could decifer and I thought “I can’t do this. I can’t.” And I still feel that way this morning. And it’s not postpartum. It’s lack of sleep. I feel like a failure. My husband is having to do way more than his share. I don’t know how he does it but I just want to check out for awhile and I can’t. But sometimes I helplessly watch him take yet another double feeding and I don’t know how he does it. If it was all up to me would they starve?

Yesterday I layed with my three-year-old while she was practically delirious with fever and I stroked her head over and over and I thought about how much I love her and how grateful I am to be her mom, the person she needs most in this world. The person who can give her comfort just by my sitting next to her and touching her. I love being able to give her what my mother wasn’t able to give me. I have it in me – I know I do. But will I be able to do it for three? Right now I can’t see it.

Now before I try to find a new shrink because mine left the practice and you see I obviously will need my Zoloft reupped, I want you to go to this Website and listen to the song Fall Apart Today.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on January 16, 2008 8:24 pmUncategorized29 comments  

Oh Yeah, I Forgot About the NO SLEEP

I’m in twins hell. I know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel at least. Being that these are my second and third children, I know the drill. I’m sorry to tell you, it’s hard. Really hard. At night. You never know which baby is crying at first and when it’s both at the same time it’s a nightmare. Since this is my blog and I can say whatever I want and honesty keeps me from having a drug addiction, I will just say that there have already been times when I’ve yelled loudly in my head “WILL YOU STOP CRYING ALREADY DAMN IT!” And then I feel all bad and shit cause, my God, they’re babies – preemies at that. But it’s hard to be up all night. And sometimes, and I know I’m preaching to the choir, there seems no rhyme or reason that the baby is crying.

It takes a lot of stamina to have twins or a new baby period. Not only do you have to deal with lack of sleep, your grouchy husband from his lack of sleep, a toddler and the babies but you are also quite a bit heavier (if your normal like me) so you don’t even feel like yourself.

I don’t want to be all depressing all the time. The babies are very cute, growing like weeds and eventually this will all be worth it. I must say, the guilt doesn’t go away. I try to take the advice from my own first book but I don’t feel as bonded with these babies as I think I’m supposed to. Between pumping (which I recently stopped), feeding, dealing with constipation, trying to get them on a schedule etc. there’s very little time to just stare at them and feel that gooey love that we all believe we’ll feel and some of us do. I know from experience that it will come but right now I vacillate with feeling like a shitty mom and knowing everything I feel must be normal. Unless I’m a sociopath which is not entirely out of the question.

I’ll leave you with this, the one great thing about my daughter being three is she is as obsessive about music as I am. So right now we both love the song Paperweight which I mentioned in my last entry and we both happily listen to it 100 times a day. Most people would find this irritating but my daughter and I are happy as pigs in shit starting our song over and over. Although, Elby has no problem YELLING at me not to sing. Apparently only she can sing and it’s her turn all the time. I, of course in my tired state do not have the energy to teach her not to speak to me that way. And then I think of Marilu Henner you know, Elaine from Taxi, who wrote that book “I Refuse To Raise a Brat” and feel guilty but then I just checked it out on Amazon and it only got two stars so it must not be possible and I must be human!

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on January 12, 2008 1:52 amUncategorized27 comments  

These Are a Few of My Favorite Things

I’ve decided that every Friday I’m going to do a sort of “my favorite things” like Oprah but minus the sponsers and studio audience and mashed potatoes. The reason why is I tend to get obsessed with things. Like I can read an article over and over and a song…forget it. I’ll play it until people want to shoot me. So this is an outlet an yes, it’s not Friday, but I’m trying it out. First up is my favorite Onion article ever: It’s Not a Crack House it’s a Crack Home if you don’t laugh at this you are not my friend.

Okay, check out the My Space page of this singer/songwriter, Schuyler Fisk whose voice kills me. She’s also Sissy Spacek’s daughter which may mean nothing but didn’t she sing son’gs in Coal Miner’s daughter? Listen to the song Paperweight which was on the soundtrack to The Last Kiss (a Zach Braff movie and Zach would be on my list of least favorite things but still) and if you don’t love it you suck.

A favorite book of mine Brian Frazer’s book Hyper-Chondriac: One Man’s Quest to Hurry Up and Calm Down. I laughed my ass off on every page. And if you don’t like it, you probaby should have your sense of humor checked.

The website What Would Tyler Durdan Do? http://www.wwtdd.com/ check it out for some snarky laughs.

Okay, I’ve got to save more for next week.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on January 3, 2008 2:21 amUncategorized17 comments  


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