I’m in twins hell. I know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel at least. Being that these are my second and third children, I know the drill. I’m sorry to tell you, it’s hard. Really hard. At night. You never know which baby is crying at first and when it’s both at the same time it’s a nightmare. Since this is my blog and I can say whatever I want and honesty keeps me from having a drug addiction, I will just say that there have already been times when I’ve yelled loudly in my head “WILL YOU STOP CRYING ALREADY DAMN IT!” And then I feel all bad and shit cause, my God, they’re babies – preemies at that. But it’s hard to be up all night. And sometimes, and I know I’m preaching to the choir, there seems no rhyme or reason that the baby is crying.
It takes a lot of stamina to have twins or a new baby period. Not only do you have to deal with lack of sleep, your grouchy husband from his lack of sleep, a toddler and the babies but you are also quite a bit heavier (if your normal like me) so you don’t even feel like yourself.
I don’t want to be all depressing all the time. The babies are very cute, growing like weeds and eventually this will all be worth it. I must say, the guilt doesn’t go away. I try to take the advice from my own first book but I don’t feel as bonded with these babies as I think I’m supposed to. Between pumping (which I recently stopped), feeding, dealing with constipation, trying to get them on a schedule etc. there’s very little time to just stare at them and feel that gooey love that we all believe we’ll feel and some of us do. I know from experience that it will come but right now I vacillate with feeling like a shitty mom and knowing everything I feel must be normal. Unless I’m a sociopath which is not entirely out of the question.
I’ll leave you with this, the one great thing about my daughter being three is she is as obsessive about music as I am. So right now we both love the song Paperweight which I mentioned in my last entry and we both happily listen to it 100 times a day. Most people would find this irritating but my daughter and I are happy as pigs in shit starting our song over and over. Although, Elby has no problem YELLING at me not to sing. Apparently only she can sing and it’s her turn all the time. I, of course in my tired state do not have the energy to teach her not to speak to me that way. And then I think of Marilu Henner you know, Elaine from Taxi, who wrote that book “I Refuse To Raise a Brat” and feel guilty but then I just checked it out on Amazon and it only got two stars so it must not be possible and I must be human!