I didn’t want this to be a mommy blog. I really didn’t. Sure I started that way because I had a new baby and I needed to talk about it and connect with other mothers going through similar torture but I figured (which was true) that once the newness of that wore off, I’d have many other scintillating things to discuss, dissect and more words that start with the letter D. But here I am smack dab back in the thick of it.
New baby hell.
Last night was the worst sleep-wise – I don’t even remember what sleeping at night feels like. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel rested. I want to cry but I’m too tired and frustrated. Yesterday, my daughter woke up in the wee hours of the morning, promptly puked all over my husband who was taking a four a.m. feed. She spent all of yesterday home from school with a fever and layed in bed with her sleep deprived mommy while I vacillated between babies, tylenol for her and trying to find a mental hospital that provides childcare. Hey, they have it at the gym, why not the loony bin? By the way, does changing from one bathrobe to a cleaner one count as actually changing your clothes?
To all the nice people who told me to get some help, I have it. We (my husband and I) decided that we’d risk going broke for some daily help. The problem is, right now the babies sleep all day and are up all night. So, feasibly I could leave the house while the babies sleep because someone is here, but I’m so fucking tired from the night before that I’m useless to go anywhere or get anything done. Plus, I have to get up and take my daughter to school and then pick her up and make sure she gets what little energy I have left.
So if I haven’t returned your calls or emails it’s not entirely because I’m flakey which I am, it’s because I’m TIRED.
Last night I layed in bed while my two tiny babies who had been fed, swaddled, held, burped etc. cried and cried for no reason I could decifer and I thought “I can’t do this. I can’t.” And I still feel that way this morning. And it’s not postpartum. It’s lack of sleep. I feel like a failure. My husband is having to do way more than his share. I don’t know how he does it but I just want to check out for awhile and I can’t. But sometimes I helplessly watch him take yet another double feeding and I don’t know how he does it. If it was all up to me would they starve?
Yesterday I layed with my three-year-old while she was practically delirious with fever and I stroked her head over and over and I thought about how much I love her and how grateful I am to be her mom, the person she needs most in this world. The person who can give her comfort just by my sitting next to her and touching her. I love being able to give her what my mother wasn’t able to give me. I have it in me – I know I do. But will I be able to do it for three? Right now I can’t see it.
Now before I try to find a new shrink because mine left the practice and you see I obviously will need my Zoloft reupped, I want you to go to this Website and listen to the song Fall Apart Today.