I’m fine, really. No seriously, the crying fits? No biggie. Thinking my babies don’t like me? Normal right? RIGHT? Not feeling like I can talk on the phone let alone leave my house? All party of it – okay, that just doesn’t seem to be a good state of being. But that’s how I felt yesterday. The night before I hadn’t slept the entire night going from baby to baby trying the swing, the bouncy seat, food but my babies seem to come alive at night. And neither of us (them or me) are happy at that hour. So by early morning I was watching Sesame Street through cloudy contact lenses – not by myself, my daughter was curled up next to me trying to talk me out of feeding the baby so I could hang out with her. I liked the attempt. One of the muppets, I don’t know his name but he’s sort of blue green in color – although, honestly, if you know me, you know I don’t see color. So I’m watching this muppet play the guitar and my mind starts pondering if the puppet is actually playing the guitar or if the guitar is in the background and it just seems like he’s actually playing it. Then I get a hold of myself and realize that I am sleep deprived and almost went off of Zoloft and Xanax cold turkey which would have been the worst idea on the planet if I expect to live through the next month. So, life is good.
Archive for January, 2008
So, I took my two tots back to the doctor today and they are doing fine except that they were given three shots each and have been very upset all day. It’s funny how with my first I was inconsolable when she got her first shots. In fact, I couldn’t bear it for most of the first year. But with these guys I take it in stride. I knew they’d cry a minute and then be okay. But they have been sick and now they are in pain from the shots so the whole thing just sucks. But…then I received an email from a reader of this blog and she had this to say:
I have a friend back in my hometown of Plattsburgh, New York, who has a 7-month old adorable little guy named Alek, and her husband is suffering from a very painful disease called Scleroderma. He was just accepted into a study at Duke University that should hopefully repair some damage and prolong his life. From one family to another – reading their story makes us all realize that all-nighters and sore nipples and pissed off 2-year-olds are NOTHING compared to what this poor family is enduring!
I checked out their story and, damn, it does put life in perspective. A little sleep deprivation is sounding like a day at Knott’s Berry Farm compared to what they’re dealing with. They are seeking donations so if you would like to read their story and see if you can help the blog is thedupreyfamily.blogspot.com.
So tonight in their honor I will try to look forward to not sleeping. Plus, Grey’s Anatomy is new tonight I think. I hope. I pray.
Excuse me if I seem a little wired in this post — a friend I was IMing with asked me if I was on coke because I was typing so fast (wiredness aside I am a pretty fast typist from my days as an office temp – and speaking of office temping, why do they always ask the temp to do the filing? Where’s the incentive to file anything in the right place if you’ll never have to find it again?).
Anyway, where the hell was I?
I haven’t slept (or sleeped as Elby would say) in a long long time. Both the preemies have colds and I, in a valiant attempt to repay my husband for taking some overnights, stayed up all night going from baby to baby in a failed attempt to soothe, feed, keep upright and repeat. The bad news is, I’m completely delirious from lack of shut eye. The good news is I cleaned off our TiVo. Housewives of Orange County finale? Check. American Idol, House, done and done! An old Backyardigans? Guilty.
I brought them to the doctor this morning because Sadie is still only five pounds (although she has already outgrown a couple of preemie outfits) and hadn’t eaten since 11 p.m. She did me a solid by peeing all over the exam table just to prove that she’s not dehydrated. Which was nice. Meanwhile fattie Mattie continues to be double the size of Sadie and will not let something as trivial as a completely congested head stop her from stuffing her face. A girl right after my own heart. I’m going to have to get her an “I Heart Formula” onsie. So they are fine but going back tomorrow to be weighed because I’m incredibly neurotic and “because you can never see newborns too often” says the doctor. Dr. Peter Shulman- for anyone Googling. It’s normal to worship your pediatrician like a God right?
And now, I must pick E up from school.
I’m thinking maybe the doubly blessed part kicks in in year two. I thank God that American Idol is on again tonight because sleep is nowhere on the horizon.
I can breathe again now that E is back at school today. I actually took a two hour nap! Score one for the team! My preschool (well not mine -although I could brush up on my clean-up time skills) takes off so many holidays it’s annoying. They actually celebrate each of the different presidents’ birthdays instead of wrapping it up in one day like the rest of the sane world. Don’t they realize I’ve become spoiled by having her entertained all day by people who enjoy making Play-Doh from scratch and gluing glitter to a paper plate? I’m basically good for a trip to the 99 Cents Store and some stickers before the TV goes on. By the way, the comedian, Demetri Martin in his comedy special calls glitter “the herpes of craft supplies” which makes me laugh so hard because every so often I’ll look over at my husband and see a little piece of glitter on his eye. Either he’s secretly hitting the gay bars at night or somehow that glitter is impossible to ever completely get rid of.
So I realized that one of the more depressing aspects of having twins and a toddler (at least at this early stage of the game – and probably for a long time to come) is that it’s virtually impossible to leave the house at night. When it was just my daughter, Jon could easily put E to bed if I wanted to run out and meet a friend for a drink or do stand-up or just go to Hyde and do a couple of lines with Lindsay Lohan, Brit Brit and the gang. But now, not so much. How do you leave someone with newborns and a toddler? So we’re trapped in our home each and every night for now. I’m trying to come up with other activities besides binge drinking and online poker to get through the evenings. Here are a few things I’ve come up with:
1. Attempt to read the National Enquirer but only make it through the blind items page where you have to figure out who they’re talking about (assume all stories are about Burt Reynolds) before getting too tired and falling asleep.
2. Wash bottle nipples for the eightieth time of the day.
3. Think very seriously about showering but realize that blow drying would have to be involved and that would wake up the toddler who JUST FINALLY FELL ASLEEP after being read 80 million stories.
4. Reminisce about the good old days when showering could happen any old time.
5. Try to remember the last time I remembered to put on deoderant.
6. Make a list of other restaurants in the neighborhood that could possibly deliver dinner besides the one Chinese restaurant that knows our order by heart.
7. Try try try to get excited about The Apprentice for a season but fail miserably.
8. Put in a load of laundry but then forget to put it in the dryer until days later when it smells kind of funky and I have to redo it.
9. Eat a handful of cashews and promise myself I’ll stop there. Finish the whole bag.
10. Google myself.
BTW, Matilda is now weighing in at a hefty 8 pounds and Sadie is growing slowly but surely and is now 5 pounds. They received their RSV shots – which preemies need in the winter but sometimes insurance companies don’t cover. At 1500 bucks each so 3 grand a pop for the next three months we wouldn’t have been able to easily do it. But it was covered!
Hi. Feeling better yesterday and today. Just thought you should know. Because I’m sure you spent most of the last few days worried about that one blogger chick who sounds like she’s hanging off the edge of a cliff. First off, upping the Zoloft has already helped I think. Plus, all the comments that I’ve received especially one from Kyddryn helped so much. It’s amazing that whatever you’re going through, someone out there gets it. Blogging is addictive and I believe that’s why. You can write anything you want and no matter how crazy, someone will leave you a comment and have the guts to say “I know what you mean.” Unfortunately, because this isn’t a private blog, people who know me can easily Google me and find this. As it is I’m pretty open about everything but sometimes I do have to remember that the Internet isn’t my personal diary because some of the sh*t that goes through my head is not for public consumption. But, if my crazy ranting can help even one person feel less like a freak than I will keep spewing it out.
When I wrote my first book, Sippy Cups, I was petrified of what people would think. It felt like it might be too snarky and poking fun of motherhood for all the precious moms out there. I worried that reader might think I’m not a good mother or that I didn’t love my daughter etc. But I found that tons of people related to my thoughts that motherhood isn’t a Sunny D commercial. It’s deep, profound, often extrememly enjoyable, life altering in a good way but not the way it’s depicted in most books and commercials. It was an amazing and wonderful feeling to find out by going public in a book that I wasn’t alone at all. I was angry when I had Elby and found this stuff out the hard way. And that probably came across in the book. This next book is no less snarky but a lot less pissed because let’s face it, toddlers are insane and illogical but not nearly as taxing as brand new babies. At least that’s what I keep telling myself while I’m in the throes of these newborns…
I guess what I’m trying to say is, if you really want to make me feel better, buy my damn book! Just kidding. Kind of serious though.