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WE’RE DONE WITH THE NICU BUT WE LEFT CHEESE CAKE!

Sadie came home last Sunday weighing a whopping 3.7 pounds. Matilda, meanwhile, is weighing in at just about 6. Man, she’s fat. So, no more NICU. It was a month that I actually thought would be more stressful than it was barring the bitchy nurse I blogged about earlier. Everyone else was so great that I went and bought two cheesecakes from Cheese Cake Factory (based on a commentor’s suggestion). One for the nightshift and one for the dayshift. By the way, in case you were ever thinking of just swinging on by the old CCF for a rasberry chocolate cheese cake, have some money in your wallet. Those fuckers are expensive. Two cheese cakes came to 87 dollars. Hmmm…I hope they were REALLY nice to our babies. Of course the bitchy nurse probably ate more than one piece. I should have left a note: NONE FOR KAREN. But I decided to be the bigger person. Meaning bigger in weight since I still have a lot to lose.

By the way, I think it’s so cute that people keep commenting about how great I look. But actually, I’m only a size two right now and I really want to get back down to my pre-pregnancy size zero. I mean, I worry about these people who have a baby and then just walk around with five extra pounds for WEEKS as if they don’t even care how they look. So sad.

Here are some jokes that don’t work as well in the NICU as you would imagine.

So, when I come pick up my baby do I need to bring anything? Like a car seat? Because I was hoping to just use one between the two babies. I’d like them to co-carseat.

On Christmas, my babies will be 38 weeks, is that an appropriate age to give them a teeny bit of chocolate?

If you HAD to pick, like if there was a gun to your head, which baby in here is the cutest?

Excuse me, nurse? Can you grab me a salad from the cafeteria? No croutons. Unlike last time!

Do you mind if I pump by Dr. Banks? It really helps my letdown reflex.

This is my cousin. You may recognize him from that Dateline segment “To Catch a Predator.”

Just out of curiousity, where do you keep the Percocet?
Oh God, how embarrassing, Dr. Banks, I thought this was pants optional Friday.
Picture time:

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on December 29, 2007 4:58 amUncategorized20 comments  

20 Comments

  1. Rachel said,

    Is that little spec in the bouncer chair a… baby?

    | December 29, 2007 @ 5:46 am

  2. SUEB0B said,

    So glad you are all home.

    What a cute little/big sister photo.

    Shut up with your size zero, beeyotch, or I will come over and breathe some of my fat germs on you! Recent studies show it might be contagious!

    | December 29, 2007 @ 6:16 am

  3. pootandcubby said,

    I can’t believe you’re still so funny after all that drama. The girls look gorgeous (and you’re no Fugly yourself).

    -andi

    | December 29, 2007 @ 6:19 am

  4. fold my laundry please said,

    When my oldest was born, they kept him in the NICU for a week. During the admission interview, you know, the one where they fish around for evidence of abuse in the home, the nurse asked my husband, “How do you deal with stress?” Without skipping a beat, he said, “I beat my wife.” She turned back to her form and said, “I’m just going to put down ‘humor’.”

    Of course, as soon as she walked away, I let into him with the, “Are you crazy? Do you know what they use to wallpaper the bathrooms in a hospital? Domestic abuse pamphlets! That’s what!You might as well tell airport security that you make bombs to pass the time during flights!” lecture! Amazingly, they still let us bring him home!

    Anyway…I’m glad you were able to have your whole family home for some of the holiday season!

    | December 29, 2007 @ 9:09 am

  5. A Mom Two Boys said,

    Yay! Enjoy having your girls home and thanks for making me laugh for the first time on my birthday! It’s early…but you’ve probably been up for, like, four hours, and my 4 month old just slept through the night for the first time. Don’t hate me. I’m not Karen.

    | December 29, 2007 @ 3:35 pm

  6. Becky said,

    You look hotter than I do at 9 months postpartum after birthing a singleton. You are now the object of my jealousy AND have surpassed Vincent D’Onofrio as my own personal hero. How’s THAT feel to be cooler than a 50 year old man?

    Oh, and your girls are making me want to have one of my own.

    Somewhere, my husband is weeping.

    | December 29, 2007 @ 3:56 pm

  7. Jen / domestika said,

    Hppy news! Cute pictures! Babies back home safe and growing! This is such happiness (much needed in post-holiday world) that I’m not even going to let myself wish that a teensy bit of those thank-you-nurse cheesecakes could have stuck to your hips. Not even a bit. 😀

    | December 29, 2007 @ 7:02 pm

  8. b*babbler said,

    Fantastic news…

    Now is too early to start twin wrestling? I say build a ring, put it on youtube and start taking bets. Matilda might be heftier, but its always the small ones that are the most wily and devious.

    Extra income until that next book comes out!

    | December 30, 2007 @ 3:26 am

  9. gmcountrymama said,

    Yeay, Sadie is home! I can’t believe they let her go home so small. I was 4.4lbs at birth and my parents had to wait 2 weeks before they could take me home, or maybe that was how long I was given to prepare my case against going home with them.
    ‘fold my laundry please’ comment is funny because we really do put those pamphlets in the ladies room at the hosp!

    | December 30, 2007 @ 5:30 am

  10. Wonderful World of Weiners said,

    Been lurking for awhile but your things that ARE NOT funny in the NICU made me de-lurk!!

    That shit is funny!!

    Glad you still have a great sense of humor!

    Btw, that cheesecake better have been decorated with gold leaf!!

    Hallie

    | December 30, 2007 @ 6:58 pm

  11. Becky said,

    I love the linkage. It made my day. Seriously.

    | December 30, 2007 @ 8:38 pm

  12. carrie said,

    Yippppeeeee for having both babies home!

    | December 31, 2007 @ 9:27 am

  13. Cooking The Easy Way said,

    Wishing you and your loved ones a very happy 2008!

    | December 31, 2007 @ 9:34 am

  14. Christine said,

    I totally would have laughed if I were in NICU…especially if I were Dr. Banks.

    Congratulations, baby girls!

    | December 31, 2007 @ 5:52 pm

  15. PDX Mama said,

    So glad your sense of humor is still so in check. How do you do it my dear?

    Congratulations!!! Glad to hear the girls are gaining well.

    | December 31, 2007 @ 7:04 pm

  16. Catwoman said,

    holy crap! You’re so right! Mattie is freaking HUGE! And I’ve never seen a preemie with such long beautiful curly hair, must be the heroine, I guess.

    What? That’s your oldest? Oh, well it is New Year’s and 2 p.m. here, I have every right in the world to be drunk.

    | December 31, 2007 @ 8:03 pm

  17. Daisy said,

    Love the big sis/ little sis photo. And I love the humor! Humor can keep us sane at very stressful times.

    | January 1, 2008 @ 4:53 pm

  18. Christine said,

    Thanks for adding me to your blogroll …it’s about time ; -).

    Thing is, I’d keep coming back here forever without the linky love. Because, like L’Oreal has always told me, you’re worth it.

    Looking forward to your new book. Giggle at the girls for me (the babies, geeze!).

    | January 4, 2008 @ 1:56 am

  19. emily said,

    yeah– I’ll also de-lurk to mention that you were makin’ me laugh.

    Congrats on the last piece of the puzzle being put in place…Ah, let the mayhem begin. Continue?

    | January 8, 2008 @ 11:52 am

  20. chris said,

    Cute! Hope you’re hanging in there.

    | January 9, 2008 @ 1:20 am

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