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My Big Ass Pregnant Self

Pregnant with twins like me? Here are a few things NOT TO DO:

1. Don’t start construction! Sure you need the extra space, but don’t be like me and wait until you’re six months and already feeling like there’s a freaking full grown man napping in your uterus before you allow strangers to be jackhammering, smashing glass and blasting the Macarena in your backyard when all you want to do is SLEEP.

2. Don’t eat so much junk food that you are literally SCARED to get weighed in at the OB and spend your precious magazine reading time rehearsing what you will say to your doctor when she finds out you gained 8 pounds in one month. “Oh my goodness! I can’t imagine how this happened on my diet of grilled, skinless chicken breast with brown rice and steamed veggies for dessert!”

3. Don’t forget that your pregnancy pillow is not an actual contributing member of your family and let it take over your entire sleeping area. One should not wake up at 4 a.m. in a physical fight with ones pillow which is supposed to have the sole purpose of making one feel cozier.

4. Don’t watch the Biggest Loser. You will only feel like you are on your way to meet the contestants at their highest weight while they are on their way down. It’s depressing.

5. When people remark “you’re so small for 6 months!” Don’t blurt out “I’m carrying it all in my ass!” or “Fuck Off, I ‘ve already put on 25 pounds!” These responses will not win you any friends.

6. Try not to be angry at your not even three year old daughter for spilling her juice all over the Oriental rug for the fifth straight day. Remind yourself that she’s not just out to get you because you’re pregnant but that perhaps she is just a little clumsy as she’s only learned to drink out of an actual cup a few month prior. Don’t try to give an impromptu lesson in physics. It will only frustrate both of you.

7. DO NOT…ignore number two and go make yourself the banana pudding you’ve been obsessing about since you woke up this morning…oh shit. Too late.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on September 20, 2007 6:46 pmUncategorized20 comments  

20 Comments

  1. Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said,

    DO – eat and entire bos of Count Chocula. It will make you happy and you will easily birth out the weight.

    (Because at the end you will be so full of babies that you won’t be able to keep any food down.)

    | September 20, 2007 @ 8:42 pm

  2. andi said,

    Ooh, number 3 and 5. I remember those days (not that I was pregnant with twins…) And if you figure out a way to explain the laws of physics to your daughter, do enlighten me. That would be very useful over here.

    | September 20, 2007 @ 8:42 pm

  3. Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said,

    Um, yeah – a BOX of Count Chocula.

    | September 20, 2007 @ 8:43 pm

  4. Swistle said,

    DO purchase a comfy La-Z-Boy recliner to sleep in for the last month.

    | September 20, 2007 @ 9:24 pm

  5. Rachel said,

    Number two, my favorite. A foolish friend bet me $100 that I couldn’t eat my entire dutch pancake from the Original Pancake House. Not only did I finish it, but asked everyone at the table if I could have their left-overs.

    | September 20, 2007 @ 10:10 pm

  6. Lil Mouse (Jill) said,

    far be it for me to recommend anything to someone so put together, but how about not letting “juice” outside of the kitchen or dining room table. Put the glass back on the table, if you want a drink go back to the table? it worked for my mom.

    | September 20, 2007 @ 10:35 pm

  7. Mama Zen said,

    Now, I want banana pudding!

    | September 20, 2007 @ 10:57 pm

  8. Candace said,

    11 pounds. give or take a pound. every month. starting at month one.
    you are skinny compared to what I was. both times. still workin’ on taking off the last 11. And it’s been 16 months.

    | September 21, 2007 @ 12:51 am

  9. Christine said,

    Well, by the time I was 6 months pregnant I had gained 25 pounds (yes, both pregnancies!) and I wasn’t carrying twins.

    And my youngest is nearly four years old…what’s my excuse for the weight gain I’ve had over the past few months? I’m NOT pregnant. Could it be the lack of exercise and stress eating?

    | September 21, 2007 @ 1:27 am

  10. Carey said,

    #3 – that damn pillow. We call it the cheater in our house. It seems wrong to snuggle up so lovingly to a pillow… and it’s practically the size of another person, hence the name ‘cheater’. And I love banana pudding!!

    | September 21, 2007 @ 4:18 pm

  11. L.A. Daddy said,

    Ah, I’m sure you’re still as beautiful as ever.

    I would think being prego would be the perfect excuse to feel no guilt about eating!

    Me? I have no excuse. My doctor keeps asking how many months along am I…

    | September 21, 2007 @ 4:25 pm

  12. gmcountrymama said,

    Don’t forget to put lots of Vanilla Wafers in your banana pudding. They are good to munch on while you are waiting for the pudding to set. Hi Hon!

    | September 21, 2007 @ 11:29 pm

  13. momomax said,

    oh please, shut the fuck up about being fat. crazy. I don’t even have to look at you to know what’s really going on. You’re ‘glowing’, gawgeous and still hilarious.

    you finished the book? yahoo! glad to see the new post.

    | September 22, 2007 @ 3:42 pm

  14. Dawn said,

    I love #2. Hell, I was there when pregnant with just one! So go ahead, have that banana pudding! Man, that sounds good!

    And I hope the construction ends soon!

    | September 22, 2007 @ 11:44 pm

  15. MereCat said,

    Oh I remember those days! And everyone of your points is true. And let me warn you about the tubs and tubs of ice cream you are going to need pretty soon to keep those babies full during the last few weeks. I had so much ice crem, I would hide it in the back of the freezer so my husband didn’t know how much I REALLY had. I went 38 weeks, had two 7 pounders, and I can say I owe it all to Breyers! Don’t worry though, the weight comes off. Remember you are having TWINS!!!!

    | September 24, 2007 @ 12:56 am

  16. Catwoman said,

    Could physics for three years old be your next book (after this next one?)

    I’m sure it’d be a top seller. I know I’d get my clumsy two-year old at least a couple of copies.

    | September 24, 2007 @ 4:34 pm

  17. zellmer said,

    Try gaining 15 lbs in one month, then blubbering like a baby over it in front of doctor and nurses.

    So funny, that about the pregnancy pillow. And so true.

    | September 25, 2007 @ 8:05 pm

  18. Tuesday Girl said,

    As a formally pregnant with twins woman and now pregnant with one baby (thank goodness!) I know all of these too well.

    Much too well.

    | September 25, 2007 @ 8:31 pm

  19. Mommin' It Up! said,

    THAT is freaking hilarious.

    | September 27, 2007 @ 1:44 am

  20. slackermommy said,

    I gained 10 lbs in a month and I had only one baby!

    The banana pudding? You deserve it. You’re baking two babies. They are a little crowded and deserve a treat.

    | October 1, 2007 @ 3:58 pm

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