Pregnant with twins like me? Here are a few things NOT TO DO:
1. Don’t start construction! Sure you need the extra space, but don’t be like me and wait until you’re six months and already feeling like there’s a freaking full grown man napping in your uterus before you allow strangers to be jackhammering, smashing glass and blasting the Macarena in your backyard when all you want to do is SLEEP.
2. Don’t eat so much junk food that you are literally SCARED to get weighed in at the OB and spend your precious magazine reading time rehearsing what you will say to your doctor when she finds out you gained 8 pounds in one month. “Oh my goodness! I can’t imagine how this happened on my diet of grilled, skinless chicken breast with brown rice and steamed veggies for dessert!”
3. Don’t forget that your pregnancy pillow is not an actual contributing member of your family and let it take over your entire sleeping area. One should not wake up at 4 a.m. in a physical fight with ones pillow which is supposed to have the sole purpose of making one feel cozier.
4. Don’t watch the Biggest Loser. You will only feel like you are on your way to meet the contestants at their highest weight while they are on their way down. It’s depressing.
5. When people remark “you’re so small for 6 months!” Don’t blurt out “I’m carrying it all in my ass!” or “Fuck Off, I ‘ve already put on 25 pounds!” These responses will not win you any friends.
6. Try not to be angry at your not even three year old daughter for spilling her juice all over the Oriental rug for the fifth straight day. Remind yourself that she’s not just out to get you because you’re pregnant but that perhaps she is just a little clumsy as she’s only learned to drink out of an actual cup a few month prior. Don’t try to give an impromptu lesson in physics. It will only frustrate both of you.
7. DO NOT…ignore number two and go make yourself the banana pudding you’ve been obsessing about since you woke up this morning…oh shit. Too late.