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Lest You Find My Blog A Total Downer…

I recently had my level two ultrasound to check on my little womb bitches (everything looks great) and when they presented me with my personal DVD of the ordeal, I was reminded of how sickenly precious people can be about their pregnancies. I was also reminded of an essay I was inspired to write after going through pregnancy the first time. I am going to repost it now to sort of cleanse the blog palate. If you haven’t ever paged through my archives, this will be like new to you! Bonus!

PREGGO LAND

Let me just start by saying if you have an ultrasound picture of your baby stuck on your refrigerator with a magnet, you’re not someone I want to be friends with. And if you have someone else’s baby’s ultrasound picture up there, well, that’s just a cry for help. I’m never sure what I’m supposed to say when confronted with this. “Wow, that’s one sexy fetus?” I got pictures from my ultrasound too but I didn’t wallpaper the house with them. Isn’t it bad enough that we have to see a million pictures of your baby after it’s born? Now we have to see what it kinda sorta looks like before it even comes out?

I knew early on in my pregnancy I wasn’t like other pregnant women. When my husband and I went for my ultrasound, (yes, he came with me: there was like a 95% percent chance he was the dad we figured he should tag along), the first thing the nurse asked me was if I’d brought a video tape. A video tape? I must’ve looked confused because she explained to me “most people want to take home a souvenir of this magic event.” I nodded and said “Yeah, I definitely won’t need that. I’m barely on board with the whole pregnancy thing as it is.” To which the nurse replied that she was reporting me to social services. Okay, she didn’t say it out loud but I could see it in her stare.

Clearly there are many many people who do opt for the ultrasound video. If you are one of them, just know – I don’t want to see it. Oh, and that goes double for your skydiving video. About the only way I’d ever be interested in watching footage of your big jump …is if you don’t make it. It’s like the world is chock full of people with no clue of their capacity to be irritating. And pregnancy just magnifies it.

Pregnant women seem to take one of two paths when they get knocked up, although — being annoying– they’d probably refer to it as a “journey.”

First there’s the woman who loooooves being pregnant. You know her. She’s so excited to join the Cult of Mommy that she’s taking pregnancy yoga before the before the stick turns blue. Anyone who revels this much in being pregnant is suspect in my book. These are the kind of women who will keep a pregnancy journal, refer to the day the baby is born as “the bless-ed event” and throw around the word “amazing” like Jay-Z uses bitch. There’s also a very good chance they make their own Christmas tree wreaths and light potpourri. These are not my kind of people.

Most of the women in this camp also refuse to find out the sex of their baby because “they want to be surprised!” I hate people who love surprises. Plus, is it really going to be that much of a surprise? It’s either going to be a boy or…it’s going to be a girl! Actually, the only real surprise I can think of is if the baby comes out a different race. Then, I would say, it’s going to be more of a surprise to the father.

Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards split up when she was 7 months pregnant and a lot of people were shocked. I was too. I can’t believe he lasted that long. You can just tell by looking at her that Denise is in the above category. I read an interview with her from when she was pregnant with her first kid where she talked about how “complete” she feels and how a Perrier with lime and just a teeny splash of cranberry juice is such a wonderful alternative to a glass of wine. You know what else is a wonderful alternative to a glass of wine? A shot of tequila! Is she on crack? Obviously not, that might make her interesting . Sadly the time pregnant women quit drinking is the time a lot of them most need a drink. Or at least I do to be around them.

I ran into one of these ladies at my OB’s office. As you can probably imagine, there’s nothing worse than a room full of pregnant women with time on their hands. I had been scanning the room hoping to find someone to talk to who at least had a little bit of personality, so I struck up a conversation with the only woman not knitting. She immediately tried to engage me in a conversation about nursery themes. Up until that moment, I didn’t know nurseries had themes. It’s not a fucking prom it’s a baby’s room. I guess having a crib just isn’t enough. Now you have to have a jungle theme or a fairy princess theme. There are actually books devoted entirely to this subject. Go to Amazon.com, type in “Baby Nursery” and then promptly kill yourself. There are tons of books listed there including one called “Spirit of the Nursery.” I’d be willing to bet my baby that Denise owns that book. I’m sorry but this just seems like overkill. Babies don’t even see in color until they’re teenagers or something.

But the euphoric preggos aren’t alone in their ability to empty a room. Pregnancy martyrs, you’re also on my watch list.

You know them – they hate every goddamn minute of being pregnant and can’t stop sharing it with the world. The ones who moan about what they can and can’t drink; wear; breathe etc, the ones who can detect someone smoking a cigarette from two Starbucks down and demand the offender put it out. You’d think they were the first person to ever get knocked up. They immediately start using the parking space designated for expectant mothers at baby stores (cloyingly named “stork parking.”) I want to tell them “you’re not handicapped, you’re having a baby. And, trust me, if you could see your ass right now you’d park as far away as possible. You need the exercise.” But I keep my mouth shut because pregnant women are good in a fight. Remember, they’re fighting for two now.

Look, I know pregnancy is tough. I’ve been there. I get it: Being the size of John Goodman and swimming in hormones is not pretty. One night when I was about six months pregnant I actually found myself tearing up in my car to a Celine Dion song – and no, not the Theme to Titanic. Come on, I was pregnant, not 14. In my defense I was a bit drunk (my OB said I could have 5-6 drinks a month…he mentioned nothing about spreading them out.) But the point is, behaving like a normal person is a choice. There’s no reason to alienate all your single friends and irritate your poor husband. I know he wants sex and you just want to watch the results show on American Idol. I know you feel too congested to give him a blow job, but put on a Breathe-Rite strip and take care of business. Suck it up, sisters (intended). Take one for the team. And for god’s sake please don’t email me any more pictures of your sonogram.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on August 16, 2007 6:33 pmUncategorized30 comments  

30 Comments

  1. Suzy said,

    It was funny then. And it’s funny now.

    | August 16, 2007 @ 7:33 pm

  2. Lil Mouse said,

    i havent been pregnant, but i can’t imagine i’d fall into either category, especially with strangers. now, if i had a preggo buddy, i might dish and show sonogram pictures but to me the damn things dont look like a baby. they look like gray blobs on a screen. when i have a baby–i’ll find out what it looks like.. and i’m not cheery by nature, so i definitely wouldnt be #1, but #2 just seems like a downer. you got knocked up, you deal with it.i have to disagree on the husband part though, let him hurt a little too! ha!

    | August 16, 2007 @ 7:36 pm

  3. fancypants said,

    Well, I don’t have videos and I’m pretty far from the euphoric pregnant type, but I do have ultrasound photos on my refrigerator. Tons of them, lined up from when he was a wee 8 cells all the way to the level II u/s. Maybe it was the four years of infertility, but I’m ok with the display. I do, however, hate the lame preggo parking spots.

    Your OB said you could have 5 or 6 drinks a month? Lucky pants. I want your doctor.

    | August 16, 2007 @ 8:45 pm

  4. jeanie said,

    I have never worked out the sono picture showing anything but grey blobs.

    And the video/dvd – its up there with “let me show you my wedding video” – why would I want to?

    Some of your initial list I was on, though – but lets not let that stand in the way of a beautiful relationship – I am not pregnant now.

    But umm – nursery themes freak me right out – but those same ladies think you have to have matching furniture all over the house too.

    My biggest gripe is the perfect strangers who want to rub your buddha for luck?

    | August 16, 2007 @ 9:04 pm

  5. Rachel LeeAnn said,

    Well said! Can’t wait to read your next book.

    | August 16, 2007 @ 11:46 pm

  6. MereCat said,

    I can’t wait for the repost again after you’ve delivered your twins!!!! Can you imagine when you are only 32 weeks and the doc says you are measuring 42 weeks? That’ll be a great blog entry!

    | August 17, 2007 @ 1:19 am

  7. myminivanisfasterthanyours said,

    Hey, if you end up getting the minivan maybe you can have the ultrasound pic turned into a bumper sticker. You’d be the coolest chick in town! But hopefully we live in different towns :)

    | August 17, 2007 @ 3:38 am

  8. SUEB0B said,

    I can’t believe you talk about preshus baybeez like that!!!!

    No, honestly Stef, you make me laugh so damn hard.

    | August 17, 2007 @ 3:45 am

  9. Deb said,

    So does this mean you bought the mini-van?

    | August 17, 2007 @ 3:49 am

  10. jessica said,

    OMG, I am laughing SO hard.

    | August 17, 2007 @ 2:21 pm

  11. Kathie said,

    Oh god, you are so right. I’m pregnant with my first (only 7 weeks), and some of the people I have met in the waiting room are already scaring me. And friends who were the gushy in-love-with-being-pregnant sort when they were pregnant and now expect me to be that way too, and look at me like some sort of freak when I’m like “oh yeah, it’s great. How was your weekend?”. Don’t get me wrong, I’m ecstatic about the fact that I am going to have a baby, and I am also kind of in awe by (and at the moment, often disgusted by) what is going on with my body. But, you know, I’m just pregnant. And not even with the second coming of christ either…

    | August 17, 2007 @ 2:54 pm

  12. kate's mom said,

    That was hilarious – thanks for digging it out of the archives!!

    | August 17, 2007 @ 3:45 pm

  13. Mommin' It Up! said,

    I’m laughing so hard i MIGHT die. Seriously! I had a happy-to-be-prego friend when I was pregnant also and she would never let me complain. She was one of THOSE you do NOT want to meet at your OB – she emailed me the baby’s heartbeat that she recorded on her MP3 player at the OB’s office. WTF?? WHO DOES THAT??

    | August 17, 2007 @ 7:41 pm

  14. Kristen said,

    Too flippin’ funny! so glad I happened upon your blog, I adore your sense of humour. It is the one that only my dh gets to see in me. The rest of the world gets sweet Kristen. Maybe I should let this other gal out a bit more.
    thanks for the belly laughs.

    | August 17, 2007 @ 9:03 pm

  15. Laural Dawn said,

    Where were you when I was pregnant? Seriously. In my first pre-natal class the teacher went around the class and asked what we had done to prepare for the baby. With 4 months to go we had done NOTHING. When I said we were still choosing a paint colour and had not yet packed our hospital bag there was a collective gasp.
    And, yes, people actually sat in the class knitting.
    But, here’s my question – all sorts of moms to be knit sweaters and mitts (I’m in Canada),but I honestly never see their kids wearing these items. It’s really weird.
    I would also go to those classes with regular coffee and have the coffee shop mark it as decaf.
    Really – I wish I had known you!!!

    | August 17, 2007 @ 11:13 pm

  16. gmcountrymama said,

    Well, you already know I thought T looked like he didn’t have a chin in his utltrasound picture. I was really scared, until he came out with 3 chins! Neither of those pictures went on my fridge.
    My doctor said if I wanted a 2d video ultrasound I would have to drive 4 hours away to get one and pay for it myself. No thanks. I, until recently didn’t even have a video camera. My digital camera has one but I didn’t notice the feature until I brought it home.
    Glad your bitches are doing great!

    | August 19, 2007 @ 3:55 pm

  17. Anne said,

    Hey, I just have to tell you.
    1) i didn’t want to know the sex of my baby because i did want to be surprised and i didn’t want to do any planning for it.
    2) I had my step daughter’s sonogram as my backdrop on my pc for 6 weeks because i got tired of looking at all my coworkers cute pictures of their grandchildren.
    3) sex when pregnant is the best time to have it because HEY you can’t get pregnant!
    Still, your description of stereotypes is hilarious. I did used to shout at my stomach so I could have some early influence on my child…not sure if it helped and i did give up a whole lot of stuff but I would never do that again because it was a waste of time.

    | August 19, 2007 @ 6:41 pm

  18. Val said,

    I’m guessing from the post that you have never dealt with infertility. And I will grant you that as I try not to seethe in response to this blog entry. I guess I don’t really fall into either category because I have different circumstances than many – I had a long and difficult road to get here, and while I don’t particularly enjoy the morning sickness and the frequent trips to the potty, etc, I do enjoy what they represent. And you have no idea what the sound of a heartbeat or the ultrasound pics mean to a girl like me. I will assume this post was written by and for women who are lucky enough to come by pregnancy naturally -whether planned or not. Because it seems to me, anyone who has dealt with any level of infertility could never be so annoyed and pissed off about someone else’s joy. No – I don’t want total strangers rubbing my belly, but I do enjoy a lot of the things you hate.

    You probably didn’t mean this to be so offensive, and I imagine most people didn’t react like I did, so I will spare the flames and other childish behavior, but I just couldn’t let it go without some sort of comment from one reader who unfortunately won’t be able to forget this post.

    | August 20, 2007 @ 6:47 pm

  19. Stefanie said,

    Hi Val, Just want to say that I find it odd that you’d be seething just because I find people that talk nonstop about their pregancy (good or bad) to be annoying. Funny enough, an infertility blogger was the first one to find my post so funny (when I originally posted it) that she linked to it and sent a slew of other infertile bloggers to me who also thought it was funny. To me, I find that gathering up a group of people at a party to watch ones ultrasound would be no more interesting than forcing people to looking at pictures of your vacation often not even featuring the vacationers in them but just a mountain. It’s sort of a you’d have to be there kind of thing. Plus, if it was a long hard road for you to get where you are, I’d imagine you’d be particularly sensitive to sending off ultrasound pics or jpegs of the baby’s heartbeat for fear of upsetting someone who is having their own trouble getting pregnant. In any case, I’m sorry you are so offended but perhaps, maybe, you’re hormonal?

    | August 20, 2007 @ 7:25 pm

  20. Catwoman said,

    You are hysterical. And I’ve never gotten the whole stork parking either. Because like you said, you’re having a freaking baby! You’re not disabled! Although, I loved those spots right after I had the baby and had to carry that freaking heavy infant carrier with infant in it with a throbbing C-section incision.

    But I think the whiners are even worse than the overly joyous people.

    | August 21, 2007 @ 2:29 pm

  21. Izzy said,

    Ha! I remember nosing around in your archives and reading this. It’s definitely a BoB classic. Glad to hear the betches are doing well. Hope you are, too :)

    | August 25, 2007 @ 8:18 pm

  22. anneglamore said,

    Howling with laughter. It’s been a while since I’ve been preg — we’re past that AND sippy cups and onto stinky feet, angst and looking for man-hairs in armpits, but DAY-UM this brought back memories!

    | August 26, 2007 @ 2:25 pm

  23. Oz said,

    My happy sonographers didn’t even offer me the video tape option. Maybe they could tell that I wouldn’t want a tape when I didn’t coo. I had no idea that was even an option. Any the ultrasound pictures are just a little creepy, the doppler sounds exactly like a horny dog panting, and I still can’t get past the oddness of having something growing inside of me. For me, though, not finding out the sex has been a good way to avoid more unwanted cooing and questions about nursery themes/darling little girls/handsome baby boys blah blah blah.

    | August 27, 2007 @ 7:38 pm

  24. Haley-O said,

    I’m preggers — due in 4 weeks! I fall into both camps — or niether…. I’m finding pregnancy for the second time DANG HARD! Especially when most of your pregnancy takes place in the summer……. But, it’s cool at the same time because you get to eat a lot, even if it makes you fat and miserable. 😉 But, I LOVE making fun of myself — that could be another category…. Good luck with your new book! I look forward to it.

    | September 4, 2007 @ 12:28 am

  25. Schnozz said,

    I am so with you on this. I got in trouble for telling my sister that her fetus looked like a “wad of gum” on the sonogram. In my defense, this was ONLY after she repeatedly asked me what I thought of her fetus about seventeen times, so I was feeling testy.

    Her: “You don’t love my baby!”
    Me: “I will love your baby when it is an ACTUAL BABY!”

    Um, like I said. Totally on board here.

    | September 7, 2007 @ 9:20 am

  26. Susan M. Heim said,

    My pet peeve with pregnant women is those who start wearing maternity clothes as soon as they get the news. I once worked with a woman who announced she was one month pregnant and showed up at work the next day in a maternity outfit. And it continued until she had the baby. On the other end of the obnoxious spectrum are those who are definitely showing and wear their non-pregnancy clothes so their big old outie hangs out for everyone to see. No class!

    | September 7, 2007 @ 5:46 pm

  27. stacie said,

    very funny and very true. i don’t have my sonogram in my home; however, i did plaster it on my blog for the world to see. but…i have no “theme” for my kid’s room!

    | September 9, 2007 @ 11:26 pm

  28. Ellen said,

    I’m between five and six months pregnant and the thing that gets me the most is how everyone seems to feel that pregnant women are public property. I like being pregnant (probably because I haven’t been sick much), but I don’t tend to bring up the subject much. But PEOPLE! Man. They want to touch my belly. They want to know all the little details of how I’m feeling and what symptoms I’ve felt what gender the baby is and how far along I am in decorating the room (I’m not) and… the list goes on. It practically feels like they want a play-by-play of the night the baby got in there, they get so specific.

    So when did this become ok? I leave other people’s lower abdomens untouched. I don’t ask about their bowel movements. I respectfully pretend they don’t have sex lives. Why do they feel entitled not to treat me with the same courtesy, merely because I’m getting fatter in my midriff?

    | September 11, 2007 @ 4:56 pm

  29. Helen | Pepperina Press said,

    Love it.

    Things I wanted when I was pregnant:

    1) A drink or three
    2) A t-shirt listing the answers to the 20 questions every-single-stranger asked over and over and OVER again, eg:
    – October 19
    – a girl
    – yes, very excited
    – a bit tired, but okay
    – yes, they’re very excited too
    – mind your own business

    Wait, maybe not that last one. But if I ever get pregnant again I’m going to feign hearing loss. For real.

    | September 15, 2007 @ 7:13 am

  30. ali said,

    too funny love the entry

    | September 28, 2007 @ 2:15 am

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