Ever find yourself in a perpetual state of anxiety and wonder what part of your life isn’t working? Your body has a way of saying, “Yo! Something’s not right here!” and your mind has a way of saying, “What choo talkin’ bout Willis?” It’s just easier to ignore it, watch a little more Lifetime and stay away from songs by the Fray that will make you teary and mortified that you are teary over a song by the Fray at the exact same time. It’s really hard to describe to a public forum what the hell is going on with me right now, but suffice it to say that a mother’s help or ACKNOWLEDGMENT would be helpful and it’s not forthcoming hence the long and maudlin last post.
All of your responses totally overwhelmed me. I’m used to feeling like I’m all alone even when I’m not. The defense tactic I took to deal with my childhood I think kicked into full gear at about 16 when I decided that I don’t need anyone nor can I depend on anyone to help me. I’m all I got. It’s actually a useful defense at 16 but not so much at 40. At 40 it just starts to reek of being a martyr. Anyone who could relate to my last post will be able to relate to the feeling of not being able to ask for help. Even if there are people lined up around the block to offer it free of charge.
How do we explain this feeling of not wanting to ever seem vulnerable? To seem needy? Simple really. We don’t want to feel disappointed again. Disappointment that has long been buried but still so close to the surface. I don’t even like to ask my husband for help even when I’m screaming for it. Truthfully, the fight or flight feeling is always there. It dulls over time but it still lays in wait for the most stressful of situations to come up that make me want to flee or say “just forget it! Just forget everything.” But when you have a child you can’t go back. That door is shut forever. And that’s some scary stuff.
I’m sure I’ll cheer up soon and get back to my snarky ass self. Bear with me.
By the way, next Thursday I’ll be on the Today Show again talking about the parenting issue of praising/overpraising kids. Let’s just say that I don’t think too many of us are suffering from the damages of TOO HIGH SELF ESTEEM. And I’ll leave it at that.