Listen “mommies” just because I’m a mommy blogger doesn’t mean I don’t have other interests. For instance, I enjoy taking photographs…of my child, going shopping…at Gap Kids, taking a dance class…for 18 month to 2.5 year old girls and reading blogs…by other parent bloggers – FINE FINE FINE. YOU FUCKING WIN OKAY? But wait, hang on just one moment. I do have another interest that doesn’t involve Elby…yet. American Idol Judgery and Analysis.
And tonight I get to indulge even binge if you will. Let the games begin early.
Sanjaya – I hope you win you little Michael Jackson dancin’, smile as wide as a watermelon, asexual, future Blues Clues host! I have been a fan of vote for the worst before it was an actual thing. My brother and I endlessly voted for that moppet without an ounce of singing or dancing ability Jon Peter Lewis. And we threw a few votes to the red-headed crooner Jon…you know. So yes, Sanjaya, you will be getting my votes. Let me quickly weigh in on the others.
UPDATE: That was the funniest performance I have ever witnessed in my life. I think his hair might win AI.
Lakisha: My total fave. And not just because of the single mom thing. She’s IT. She’s all self depracating and adorably nervous and then she just goes for it on stage. As Randy says “You laid it out!” whatever that means. But, I’ve never seen any put more emotion and their whole selves into a song. Except last week when she did that diamonds fiasco. But, hey, we all make bad choices. Some bad choice like Britney shaving her head and becoming a drug addict and possibly losing her kids are worse than others. So, Lakisha, your bad week falls into “others.”
Red streak head: You are boring. I know you think you are a rocker and I know you think you are giving it your all and really PERFORMING! But, I’m afraid you’re not. Or if you are, your “all” ain’t really all that. Please, please, do us all a favor and stay away from Celine Dion covers because 1) even though I hate her, you will never be able to do it better than her and 2) it makes you seem even whiter than you are.
UPDATE: Seriously, worse than ever. No one should ever sing the song “Smile” with a tongue piercing. I hope she goes home.
Other White Girl: You are bad and boring. I fast forward through your performances after 5 seconds. You are why God invented TiVo.
UPDATE: Simon’s right. She a pageant girl.
Melinda Doolittle: At first I was getting irritated at your growing fan base because I didn’t want it detracting from my girl Lakisha. But, I’m being swayed by your talent. Yes, you look a bit chipmunky for my taste and the awww shucks thing is growing a little moldy but still…your voice is unbelievable and you are a major contender.
Justin Timberlake Guy: I seriously don’t get it. But, I never got the real Justin Timberlake either. Remember when he was on the MTV awards with that crazy boombox that was bigger than he was and did that stooopid Michael Jackson thing? Weren’t we all laughing AT him? I thought so at the time but apparently not.
UPDATE: They actually liked him this week. I am appalled. I honestly think he’s only a half step up from Sanjaya.
Baldy with Baby: You suck, dude. Last week Simon said it best. you did that southern song and you were wearing like Diesel jeans with an OXFORD shirt? Really? Simon said you had no grit and I have to agree. You are bland as white toast with butter spray, my friend. See you on the tour.
Jordin Sparks: Oh my God. You are going to be a huge star. I’m just jealous that I had not 1% of your self confidence and self esteem at 17. Of course, I also had and still have no singing talent whatsoever but still, you rock. I loved her song last week. Slow, demanding of attention, vulnerable and gorgeous. I hope you make it to the top 3.
Chris Sligh: I was totally on your side until I found out how crazy religious you are. But on the other hand I like that the Evangelicals are all mad cause you’re not singing Christian music on the show. On the other hand, seriously, if you’re that religious what sort of roll model could you be for sex, drugs and rock and roll? But I do love your voice.
UPDATE: I totally forgot that he was bumped off last week. Wow. Sorry. Too bad.
If I’m forgetting anyone…you’re forgettable.
UPDATE: I was forgetting someone, forgettable. That beat box dude. Come on. How is he even on the show at all? He is soooo boring. He might have had a chance if this show was on in the eighties but even then Cory Hart would have kicked his ass musically.
I love Simon. Paula, pain pill addiction is very very understandable but when it’s so public it’s a little embarrassing. Just get some help. There’s no shame.
Randy…Yo Dawg…just Yo.