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Archive for April, 2007

To All The Girls I’ve Loved Before

What up y’all? I would like to share something about myself. Why? Because my last few posts have been slightly impersonal. And you people out there, readers, are my friends, my only friends. Other than you I just sit by myself reading Click Clack Moo over and over until I want to punch Farmer Brown in the mouth so hard I loosen the only tooth he has left. They should look into getting some dentists down in farm country. JMO. Oh, and don’t you hate people that say JMO as if it’s either A) someone else’s opinion or B) just something you said that you know for a fact is completely wrong. Get a backbone dammit! Wait a minute…this is no way to make my friends feel all warm, loving and accepting of me. I’ve got to try harder. Must try harder.

When I love something, I love it with such a passion that it scares everyone in sight. Not in a Hand That Rocks The Cradle, I must have your husband kind of way. Just in a goofy “I fucking love that song I heard on Grey’s Anatomy and must download it and play it a gazillion times until my ears finally give out from sheer repetition. I feel the same way about people it’s just rarer and more fleeting. When I make a new friend and there’s that new friend chemistry, I want to drink them in, know everything about them, find out why they only want one child or or what their feeling is about the color teal. But more than that, I want to know what they think about, what they’re disappointed about, what experiences make them who they are. I want to talk to them all the time and share the trivial and the mundane. I want to check in often.

When I was in high school this was the norm. I was a “best friender.” My first was in grade school and her name was Jill Hoffman. She was the coolest – a gymnast so naturally I had to become one too. She wore her hair in a long ponytail – guess who else? We were joined at the hip when she wasn’t hanging out with someone more popular. But Jill taught me to be self-confindent and to punch boys in the arm when they were mean to me. We also found a way to steal things out of the school’s lost and found box. Last I heard she graduated Berkely.

I moved after 6th grade to Spokane, Washington where I quickly made a frenemy named Jamie. We were best friends immediately mainly because she lived directly across the street from me and we were the same age. But our friendship soured once Junior High started and we got into a fight, hated each other fiercely, formed friendships with two other former friends and then “got back together” while out shoveling snow one day. That was one of my closest friendships ever. Jamie was my partner in crime, got my sense of humor, took in stray animals, was as poor as I was and most importantly at that time, was loyal as the day is long. She stuck up for me when I was teased for being ugly or walking funny and she loved me. And protected me. Many a night I showed up at her doorstep late at night after my step-father had thrown a glass at me or screamed that he was going to kill me, and Jamie and her single mom would pick glass out of my hair, rub my back, threaten to call the cops on him and tell me they loved me. Then we’d eat two boxes of Jell-O pudding and play Jamie’s mom’s old 45’s.

Then at 16, my mother announced we were moving again. Although my stepfather wanted absolutely nothing to do with me, I was forced to go (Jamie’s mom offered to let me finish high school and live with her but my mother said no). I moved to Springfield Mass, racked up some large phone bills to Jamie, missed her like a lover gone overseas but eventually had to adjust to my new situation. That’s when I became enamored of Michelle. Actually, truth be told, she was enamored of me. And she was slightly geeky. Skinny, unsure of herself but called me incessently, asked me to go to the mall, go to Friendlys, hang out. At first I wasn’t sure. I’d been burned before. But eventually (and in high school terms this means a week) we became BFFs! We did everything together. We shared a locker, exchanged notes after every period and even got ourselves in trouble together just so we could be in in-house detention and spend all day together passing notes and whispering about boys we liked. We spent every weekend at each other’s houses. Her parents treated me like a member of the family. We kissed the same boys, fought, made up, read dirty books, snuck out of the house late at night and went to parties, drank alcohol together for the first time. I knew that girl better than her family. I knew she needed a glass of water next to her bed when she went to sleep because she was petrified of being thirsty. I knew she was curious and repelled to lose her virginity. I knew what a great soccer player she was. And I knew what brand of beer she preferred.

But at 18, due to major family issues, I was forced to move to California and decided to bring my other dear friend Heidi. I was sad to not be going to college at UMASS and rooming with Michelle but at the same time, as sad as it was, we had been slowly realizing a friendship like that, probably wasn’t going to be the healthiest thing once we were in college. Michelle said “Like, we’re going to want to meet other people and stuff.” She was right but I still loved her. She was my heart. After living with Heidi in California for only six weeks, Heidi came to my office supply sales job “Hi, my name is Donna and you’re on our preferred customer list, I’d love to extend an offer to purchase a gross of Scripto Deluxe ink pens and paper. What? You’re only a one person office? Well, I could cut the order in half and throw in a telephone with automatic redial.” Yes, I was living the dream. That is until Heidi walked into the office, pulled me outside and told me that Michelle had been killed by a drunk driver. “
“No. No. That’s not possible. I just talked to her yesterday” I pleaded with Heidi to make the news go away. But it was true. And I went to her funeral. And that changes a person. Michelle had been writing me a letter. It was about three pages long and stuck in her notebook. Her mother gave it to me and cried.

I don’t know that I’ve ever loved another girlfriend with that intensity. Is it because it’s too risky? Am I too old? Do we just grow out of the need for all our needs to be met by one person, especially when we’re married?

My good friends, and I have some, accuse me of being a bit closed off with them, not being “vulnerable” enough. But I’m vulnerable with my husband. I don’t really see the point of walking around like an open sore unless you’re going through something really hard. I don’t want to depend fully on someone besides Jon. But I do miss my girls.

It’s taken me many years to get over Michelle’s death. I still have her old track jacket hanging in my closet. A souvenier her mother let me keep. The thing is, I want to have another friend like that. A friend I trust completely, a friend who’s not crazy in a bad way, a friend who doesn’t ask way more of you than you’re willing to give or give way more than you’re willing to reciprocate. A friend that likes to be real. Cut through the bullshit. And a friend who is not into scrapbooking.

Is 40 too late to find that again?

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on April 30, 2007 2:46 pmUncategorized21 comments  

Nobody Likes A Yappy Skirt

Attention LA residents:

I am putting on a show at a place called the Lounge Theatre in Hollywood. Yes, I’m a whore but that has nothing to do with this. I rarely try to get people to come out to shows I’m a part of (have I ever once mentioned a stand-up show – no!) but I’m especially proud of this. It’s so bloggy! It’s all confessional stories about life, love, parenting, not being about to poop in public, never having a professional haircut until all potential of popularity was over and many more. It’s truthiness squared. If you want to come, I suggest calling the res. line soon cause it’s filling up. If you live here and you want to be part of a future show, come on down and talk to me after.

STEFANIE WILDER-TAYLOR IN ASSOCIATION WITH
THEATRE PLANNERS
PRESENTS…

NOBODY LIKES A YAPPY SKIRT

An Evening of Confessional Essays by:

Lisa Sundstedt Producer of the hit comedy show Pretty Funny Women

Cecily Knobler Writer and host Live from Hollywood, Us Weekly Fashion Police

Stefanie Wilder-Taylor Author Sippy Cups are not for Chardonnay and the upcoming Nap Time is the New Happy Hour

Ali Davis Second City Touring Company, Baby Wants Candy, “True Porn Clerk Stories”

Loretta Fox Regular on Fox comedy Freeride. Guest starred in Lifetime’s Lovespring International.

Nancy Cohen written for King of Queens, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Raising Dad, Good Girls Don’t, Courting Alex, Unhappily Ever After and the thought bubbles on Blind Date

Tami Sagher Writer Producer Mad TV

With music by Henry Phillips – Dr. Demento Show

May 2nd
The Lounge Theatre 6201 Santa Monica Blvd.
(corner of El Centro and S.M) Hollywood-
7:30 – doors open at 7:15 –
$7 admission- reservations mandatory 310-922-1668
Wine, Beer and Snacks available

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on April 25, 2007 5:44 pmUncategorized6 comments  

ORIGINAL HITS, ORIGINAL STARS – IT’S ALL HERE!

This post is inspired by a post by L.A. Daddy when he posted about embarrassing music. Well, I commented about an old album of mine which came out in 1975 and still holds visceral memories for me. I must find out if anyone else remembers this album as intensely as I do. Sure, we’ll realize together that we’re freaks but aren’t there worse things in life than being a bit “off?” Like, we could be seriel killers intead of just lovers of obscure 1970’s musics. I guess we could be both, but let’s not go there. I’m in therapy so if I have any murderous urges, hopefully my skilled therapist (who’s also a relationship “coach” -whatever the hell that means) will nip them in the bud.

On with the cheeze! My favorite album ever, the album I coveted for months until my mother finally relented and bought it for me because I was in the throes of a bad case of chicken pox and could not be comforted.

This album definitely scratched an itch! It’s called K-tell MUSIC EXPRESS – 20 original hits 10 original stars (As ADVERTISED ON T.V.) (ALL TOP 10 HITS)

Let’s reviste them shall we?

Side One

1 The Captain & Tennille….Love Will Keep Us Together (fair enough…it’s not Muscrat Love right? And I learned to play this on the guitar at 9 years old.

2 Frankie Valli….Swearin’ To God (yes he had other hits but none as cheesy as this 70’s classic that a teen girl (me) played over and over.

3 K.C. & The Sunshine Band…Get Down Tonight (destined to be a bad wedding song forever more)

4 The Elton John Band…..Philadelphia Freedom (my least favorite song on the album. I mean, it’s totally normal. And what’s with “The Elton John Band?” He must’ve been going through an experimental phase. Suffice it to say I skipped over this song. Probably scratching it in the process.

5 Harry Chapin….Cat’s In The Cradle (Of course I cried because I had a monstrous stepfather whom I fantasized would someday be sorry. He never was)

6 Barry Manilow…..Mandy (Crazy but I never got this song. Sweet yes. Affecting to a 9 year old? Not so much. I preferred songs about tragedy – and they’re coming up)

7 10cc…..I’m Not In Love (I used to sing this song over and over until years later I learned what the band’s name meant. 10cc’s of sperm. Gross. Not for the mind of a youngster to contemplate.

8 Phoebe Snow….Poetry Man (I don’t know. I remember the song well and could sing a long but I don’t believe I particularly related or liked it much)

9 Sammy Johns…..Chevy Van (Okay, here we go. This was a favorite. Since I lost track of this record and since rebought it on Ebay, I could still sing all the words. Remember the good old days when a hippie could pick up a hot chick by the side of the road and not be tempted to rape and dismember her? Good times.

10 David Geddes….Run Joey Run (For those of you who don’t remember this song, A woman is marrying her boyfriend but her dad puts an end to that by coming over to shoot him. But as luck and bad aim would have it, he accidentally shoots her instead. There’s blood, crying, sad 70’s ish sounds like AAAAH Ah,,AAAAh Ah – I probably played this song no less than 80 thousand times. Or until I discovered Olivia Newton John’s Have You Never Been Mellow.

Side Two

1 Austin Roberts…..Rocky (Better get our the tissues. They really hit the ground running with this song in terms of tragedy. First the chick and her dude fall in love to which she sings “Rocky I’ve never been in love before, don’t know if I can do it, but if you let me lean on you take my hand I might get trough it…then she gets married to the same chorus, then she has a baby, then, naturally she gets cancer and sings, Rocky I’ve never had to die before, don’t know if I can do it, but if you let me lean on you take my hand I might get through it…are you crying yet? If not, you have issues.

2 The Ozark Mountain Daredevils….Jackie Blue (This song was remade at some point but came no where near the original.

3 Mike Post….The Rockford Files (I’m pretty sure this was just an instrumental. And what 9 year old appreciates an instrumental. Not many. Maybe when we got older we like that one from Beverly Hills Cop Axel-T – but not at 9! come on people! Put some lyrics in there.

4 Jigsaw…Sky High (another classic – I played this one over and over “you’ve blown it all sky high, by telling me a lie, without a reason why….memories….)

5 The Ritchie Family….Brazil (seriously, I can’t remember this one. And I’m too lazy to hook up the turn table. So if anyone remembers how it goes, remind me.

6 Disco Tex & The Sex-O-Lettes – Get Dancin’ (let me just say for the record that I lost my virginity at 20. So anything with Sex in it was sort of meaningless for me at this age. But hey, it had a good beat.

7 The Doobie Brothers….Long Train Runnin’ (Truthiness time – I loved me some Doobies. Of course, I didn’t get the pot reference at all. I was 9!! But when Michael McDonald joined up I was done for. I’ve always been a Michael McDonald fan. Yes, I’m a geek.

8 Frankie Valli…My Eyes Adored You (I guess one Frankie song wasn’t enough. Do you think it was a mafia thing? Like the “family” said “how bouts another Frankie song? What could it hurt?” and the the Music Express genius dared to say “but we already have one Frankie song and it’s just all right” to which mafia guys just looked at him and gave him a sneak peek at the top of his gun.
On the flip side, I knew all the words to this one. Still do.

9 Tony Camillo’s Bazuka….Dynomite (no recollection of this song or the band’s title so…moving on.)

10 John Wakeling & The Kinshasa Band…Black Superman –“Muhammad Ali” (Muhammad, the black superman, floats like a butterfly and stings like a bee….memorable, racist, all the great things the 70’s had to offer.

Remember any of these? Or am I just old?

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on April 23, 2007 2:35 pmUncategorized15 comments  

So Long Sanjaya, We Hardly Knew Ya

God damn I was lovin’ me some Sanjaya. Why did he have to go? Why would a loving God kick Sanjaya off the show when it was clear he was the most entertaining to watch? Sort of like following Brit through rehab, Angelina through adoptions or Pam Anderson through breast implants, you never knew what you were going to get.
Don’t get me wrong, It would’ve been unfair for Kiki to get 86’d, but then again, I’m fickle. I loved her madly…for about a month, but I’ve grown a little tired of her sourpuss face and excess boobage. So, I wouldn’t have shed too many tears if she’d gotten the boot. Plus, you know she’ll have a career no matter what. I’m sure they’ll be a revival of Hair on Broadway and we’ll see Kiki kicking it nude to sold out houses. I’m not worried.
What I am worried about is Blake. I realize a lot of you out there have some weird love for the guy but I don’t see it. He has no lips. Have you noticed that? It’s kind of like a reptile – that tongue seems like it’s going to flick out and pull a fly back with it. He creeps me out. The highlights, the sweater vests, the cum face he makes, I don’t like it. And I don’t want to see him for another two months. I think we need to crown Jordin Sparks the next American Idol and call it a day.

Is it just me or has ER jumped the shark? I don’t care about whats-her-face’s son, Alex, going to the special school. And the whole Gates and The Kid story line is wearing on my nerves. Remember when ER was good for a solid weekly cry? No more. Now I have to depend on reruns of St. Elsewhere. Another Shark jumper is Grey’s Anatomy. I don’t know when it’s coming back but I’ve lost interest anyway. I can’t put my finger on why. Maybe it’s the George as a sex symbol sleeping with Sarah Ramirez and then boning Katherine Heigl – as if that would ever happen – drunk or sober.

Questions? Comments?

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on April 20, 2007 7:03 pmUncategorized8 comments  

I Got Mad Hobbies Y’all!

Listen “mommies” just because I’m a mommy blogger doesn’t mean I don’t have other interests. For instance, I enjoy taking photographs…of my child, going shopping…at Gap Kids, taking a dance class…for 18 month to 2.5 year old girls and reading blogs…by other parent bloggers – FINE FINE FINE. YOU FUCKING WIN OKAY? But wait, hang on just one moment. I do have another interest that doesn’t involve Elby…yet. American Idol Judgery and Analysis.
And tonight I get to indulge even binge if you will. Let the games begin early.

Sanjaya – I hope you win you little Michael Jackson dancin’, smile as wide as a watermelon, asexual, future Blues Clues host! I have been a fan of vote for the worst before it was an actual thing. My brother and I endlessly voted for that moppet without an ounce of singing or dancing ability Jon Peter Lewis. And we threw a few votes to the red-headed crooner Jon…you know. So yes, Sanjaya, you will be getting my votes. Let me quickly weigh in on the others.

UPDATE: That was the funniest performance I have ever witnessed in my life. I think his hair might win AI.

Lakisha: My total fave. And not just because of the single mom thing. She’s IT. She’s all self depracating and adorably nervous and then she just goes for it on stage. As Randy says “You laid it out!” whatever that means. But, I’ve never seen any put more emotion and their whole selves into a song. Except last week when she did that diamonds fiasco. But, hey, we all make bad choices. Some bad choice like Britney shaving her head and becoming a drug addict and possibly losing her kids are worse than others. So, Lakisha, your bad week falls into “others.”

Red streak head: You are boring. I know you think you are a rocker and I know you think you are giving it your all and really PERFORMING! But, I’m afraid you’re not. Or if you are, your “all” ain’t really all that. Please, please, do us all a favor and stay away from Celine Dion covers because 1) even though I hate her, you will never be able to do it better than her and 2) it makes you seem even whiter than you are.

UPDATE: Seriously, worse than ever. No one should ever sing the song “Smile” with a tongue piercing. I hope she goes home.

Other White Girl: You are bad and boring. I fast forward through your performances after 5 seconds. You are why God invented TiVo.

UPDATE: Simon’s right. She a pageant girl.

Melinda Doolittle: At first I was getting irritated at your growing fan base because I didn’t want it detracting from my girl Lakisha. But, I’m being swayed by your talent. Yes, you look a bit chipmunky for my taste and the awww shucks thing is growing a little moldy but still…your voice is unbelievable and you are a major contender.

Justin Timberlake Guy: I seriously don’t get it. But, I never got the real Justin Timberlake either. Remember when he was on the MTV awards with that crazy boombox that was bigger than he was and did that stooopid Michael Jackson thing? Weren’t we all laughing AT him? I thought so at the time but apparently not.

UPDATE: They actually liked him this week. I am appalled. I honestly think he’s only a half step up from Sanjaya.

Baldy with Baby: You suck, dude. Last week Simon said it best. you did that southern song and you were wearing like Diesel jeans with an OXFORD shirt? Really? Simon said you had no grit and I have to agree. You are bland as white toast with butter spray, my friend. See you on the tour.

Jordin Sparks: Oh my God. You are going to be a huge star. I’m just jealous that I had not 1% of your self confidence and self esteem at 17. Of course, I also had and still have no singing talent whatsoever but still, you rock. I loved her song last week. Slow, demanding of attention, vulnerable and gorgeous. I hope you make it to the top 3.

Chris Sligh: I was totally on your side until I found out how crazy religious you are. But on the other hand I like that the Evangelicals are all mad cause you’re not singing Christian music on the show. On the other hand, seriously, if you’re that religious what sort of roll model could you be for sex, drugs and rock and roll? But I do love your voice.

UPDATE: I totally forgot that he was bumped off last week. Wow. Sorry. Too bad.

If I’m forgetting anyone…you’re forgettable.

UPDATE: I was forgetting someone, forgettable. That beat box dude. Come on. How is he even on the show at all? He is soooo boring. He might have had a chance if this show was on in the eighties but even then Cory Hart would have kicked his ass musically.

I love Simon. Paula, pain pill addiction is very very understandable but when it’s so public it’s a little embarrassing. Just get some help. There’s no shame.

Randy…Yo Dawg…just Yo.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on April 3, 2007 9:37 pmUncategorized13 comments  


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