But even if none of this is true for you, it just may not be the safest thing to put your innermost thoughts out for people to judge, but again, if you’re anything like me, you crave that connection with other human beings who “get it” that you’ll do almost anything and admit to almost anything to hear an “oh yeah, me too” above the chorus of “you feel like that? You must be a horrible mother.”
Let me backtrack a little. I recently had been feeling depressed. Like a balloon filled with more and more air that even the slightest bit more would surely shatter it into a million little balloon pieces. A lot of circumstances were contributing to this feeling. One was trying to start writing my book. It always brings out the self critic in me, the feeling of being a fraud who has nothing new to say about parenting etc. but bigger than this is something I want to share with my readers. It’s a big part of parenting I didn’t know I’d be in for. The part where all the past hurts from your first family start to take over your current parenting and threaten to turn you into a crockpot of emotion that is constantly simmering and threatening to boil over.
I am currently not in contact with any of my parents. But no worries about them reading this, they have no interest. I always swore to myself that I would keep that part of my life private in a Meg Ryan sort of way but minus the huge lips. To be fair, and because I’m 40 and have had a shit load of therapy, my mother did her best, and I do have happy memories of her. I remember the taste of her lipstick when she was going out for the night, I remember her reading me my favorite books over and over, but another thing I’ve been left with is a legacy of narcissism that is so severe it colors over everything. I mostly remember a feeling of longing. Longing for my mother in a way that was so strong I don’t know if anything can fill it up and God knows I’ve tried. But, here’s where it needs to stop. It affects my interaction with my beautiful baby girl. It actually makes it harder to parent because I’m constantly judging my own parenting, watching as if from outside myself, to make positively sure that she feels safe and loved. Here’s the problem, she does feel safe and loved and is thriving and chatting up a storm and knows who her family is without a doubt and as far as I can tell, feels no sad longing and will never .