1. drink an entire cup of coffee without forgetting where I put it while changing a diaper or finding a Dora video.
2. Read US Weekly not just on the toilet.
3. Go to a mall not just to browse the Disney Store for an hour and half.
4. Not obsess about Life Insurance and wonder why being “anxious” puts you in a whole other “morgage your house” eligibility bracket. Aren’t all new parents anxious?
6. Retain mental acuity past 8:30 p.m.
7. Know where all my expensive jewelry is.
8. Not get way too excited at a stupid 20% off coupon at Bed, Bath and Beyond.
9. Wear my hair in a style other than the ponytail. At this point I’d probably wear a fucking ponytail to the Oscars.
10. Play Tupac really really loud.
11. Smoke pot once in awhile.
12. Lay on the couch all day when I’m sick without my husband saying, “so are you too sick to make her dinner?”
13. Sleep until 11.
14. Judge other parents for their clearly out of control toddlers.
15. Go to Barnes and Noble without heading straight for the kids section.
16. Save my prayers for things more important than that my daughter take a nap that day.
17. Be blissfully unaware that a horrible place called Gymboree existed.
18. Pay my bills on time.
19. Get hit on by a hot guy every once in while.
20. Long for baby like my whole being depended on it.