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Real Housewives Don’t Have Huge Fake Boobs

Okay, maybe some do have fake boobs, but I’ve had just about all I can stand of the Real Housewives of Orange County. Just about. Obviously, if they make another season I’ll watch every episode cause dem bitches is Krazy! First of all, let’s start with Lauri : her breasts belong out in the solar system not on a human body. And besides the fact that she’s making a clusterfuck out of her family, she’s one of those “ring girls.” You know the ones; they prance around after getting engaged sticking their hand into anyone’s face that comes within a forty mile radius waiting for the requisite “OH. MY. GOD! It’s gorgeous!” so that they can demure, “Really, it’s only seven carats.” I hate this type of woman. I realize she makes it clear that she’s into money from the outset but it doesn’t stop my repulsion. I can’t bear the fake way she acts with her juvenile delinquent son either. Poor Josh is pushed out of the family so that she can be with her Meth Lab house owning boyfriend, George. Josh gets what’s going on but Lauri has to constantly be disingenuous “I really want the whole family together now but Josh needs to be in his structured environment. If they’d let him out I’d love to take him to Hawaii with everyone else but, alas, his structured environment.

Jo: I don’t know who’s worse – Jo or Slade, the gay blade. This is one of the fakest relationships on reality tv. She’s using him for the money even though she clearly can’t stand him, and he is using her to make a better soap opera acting reel. Have you seen some of his crazy Blue Mountain card moments? “Jo, I love you so much that I must let you go. I need to let your beautiful heart be free – to whore it up in Los Angeles while I try my damndest to screw porn stars here in the OC.” They are both disgusting and highly watchable. Oh, and Jo singing has to be the saddest thing ever. She’s actually worse than Sanjaya which is nearly impossible to manage. Another thing I don’t like is when women use a fake baby voice. Jo does this constantly. “I’m sowwy, swade. I wuv you sooo much.” You’re also 30. Jesus.

Vicki: One of the lesser evils on the show. She’s like the girl that was on the outside of the popular clique in high school who would do anything to fit in. If the Heathers hate you, she hates you more. If gauchos and a stacked perm are in style, she’s eighth in line to get them even if it makes her look crazier than she already looks. Her only saving grace is that her grown daughter seems kind of normal.

Tammi: Do all their names end in i? Hmm…at first glance you’d think Tammi was the normal one. And her ex-bf Duff almost seems puppy doggish. But then, take a look at her two grown daughters. One of them looks like she works in George’s meth lab, even though she recently broke up with her boyfriend who was raising giant pitbulls and the other one has the most orange tan I’ve ever seen. She’s either using fake tanner from the eighties or she’s jaundiced. Plus, the orange one might be less intelligent than anyone on the show – which is saying A LOT. Also, you know that Tammi’s ex husband is now married to a Thai child mail order bride right? I’m telling you, these are screwed up people.

Jeana: I almost like her except that her son, Shane is screwed up. She’s definitely not with her husband even though she claims they’re still together. I spend most of her screentime trying to reconcile the way she looks now with the way she looked in the ZZ Top video years ago. It just can’t be the same person.

Okay, I’m tired now. But I can hardly wait for the reunion show!

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on March 17, 2007 8:25 pmUncategorized23 comments  

23 Comments

  1. Melissa R. Garrett said,

    Ay yi yi . . . I stumbled upon an episode of this show awhile back and just couldn’t stomach it. I think I sat there with my mouth wide open the entire five minutes I had it on. But I truly enjoyed your synopsis here, and if I am ever having a bad day and am thinking my life sucks, I’ll just tune in to those gals and thank my lucky stars that I am real and normal and don’t have fake boobs. BTW – bought your book today (woo-hoo!) I’ve been dying to read it, even though I’m not exactly a new parent 😉 I’ve been a bit short on laughs lately, and I’m hoping your witty insight into parenthood will snap me out of my funk.

    | March 17, 2007 @ 11:22 pm

  2. Meegan said,

    I can’t believe I was so late to the game with this one. I just started watching about 3 episodes ago. Why didn’t anyone tell me these fake bitches were so crazy? This show is genius. Plastic, botoxed, bleached, plucked, fake-tan genius. I would assume that these women would be so appalled at how vapid they appear, they wouldn’t sign on for another season. But Thank God they don’t seem to give a shit and can continue to entertain us with their deft insight. Rock on, OC Bitches, Rock on.

    | March 18, 2007 @ 1:05 am

  3. Kelly said,

    I admit to watching this during the day sometimes on rerun, as I do with ‘I Love New York’ on VH1. It’s so deliciously awful and offensive, I can’t seem to turn away.

    | March 18, 2007 @ 1:10 am

  4. Pattie said,

    Love the show. It’s like a car wreck, you know it will be bad but you can’t help but staring at the wreckage. I can’t wait for the reunion show either. I also love watching The Hills….

    | March 18, 2007 @ 5:43 am

  5. In the Trenches of Mommyhood said,

    I’m a confessed BAD- reality-show-TV-watcher, and this one is definitely at the top of my list…mindless, senseless, and shameless….good times!

    | March 18, 2007 @ 2:37 pm

  6. Scoutj said,

    “I can’t believe we just broke up on a couch.”

    | March 18, 2007 @ 3:07 pm

  7. Anonymous said,

    There is nothing better than this show – nothing! It’s the ultimate in trainwreck TV. I’d been trying to explain Orange County boobified women for a long time now, and BAM – this show just sums it right up for me.

    | March 18, 2007 @ 8:19 pm

  8. Jess said,

    LMAO. i stumbled across this post and being an shameless addict to this show, i HAD to read!!

    love all your points. hilarious.

    i hate lauri. jo’s a whiner… i miss kimberly.

    i’ll totally tune in for season 3.

    | March 18, 2007 @ 9:11 pm

  9. kiwidebra said,

    I’m almost afraid to admit that I actually grew up in Orange County, but I apparently left before the mandatory fake boob ordinance took effect. I have never seen an episode of this show and now you’ve almost made me want to watch it…almost. I love trashy reality television but I think I’m killing too many brain cells already. I swear I get dumber with every episode I watch.

    | March 19, 2007 @ 1:00 am

  10. Suzy said,

    Jo in braids is so wrong. If she’s 24, then I’m 14.

    If I came home to my townhouse and found that my daughter had left cat poop all over the carpets, it’s doubtful I would have just WALKED OUT of there without doing something, ANYTHING, to punish her.

    My favorite is the winged fake nails on Tammi’s youngest and dumbest. It’s a French manicure that is shaped like a V. It’s so wrong I sit by the TV praying to catch a glimpse.

    Slade is a moron, Shane is a moron but I would still sleep with either of them because I might be a moron too.

    Can’t WAIT for the reunion show where Jo is a hybrid blonde.

    | March 19, 2007 @ 4:43 am

  11. Alecia said,

    Your post was dead on! Unfortunately, I too am drawn to it like a train wreck.

    | March 19, 2007 @ 12:32 pm

  12. gmcountrymama said,

    Sorry, don’t watch this show. But I did have to take care of a patient with huge fake boobs once. They were overfilled which made it very difficult to place the heart monitor leads on her chest. And I couldn’t stop staring at them. I guess I was jealous.

    | March 19, 2007 @ 3:58 pm

  13. Tuesday Girl said,

    I love this show.
    Shane is definitely gay and troubled by that. Jenna is my favorite though, although she lets shane abuse her other children.

    Lauri is a plain old whore and I love that she just rememberd she was a republican in time to go to a funding dinner with George!

    Slade smiley? Please.
    Jo is a little baby who doesn’t know what/who she wants but she does love other peoples money.
    I love how she pretends to want her own career.
    We broke up on a couch!

    | March 19, 2007 @ 5:04 pm

  14. kristen said,

    That show sort of sucked me in with a “OMG I can’t believe this but I can’t stop watching it” sort of way.

    I can’t decide who’s more feminine — Jo or Slade.

    | March 19, 2007 @ 6:37 pm

  15. Lena said,

    Since we moved from there – my daughter’s daycare was in Coto – I cannot stop watching. If only so I can sigh and wish we were back in the land of plastics. Because it’s sure a helluva lot better than the lad of dirt further inland. :o)

    I find that I have highly observant and detailed opinions of reality characters, but I have to tell you Stef. You totally NAILED it on all of them.

    Jo hurts me. HURTS ME.

    | March 19, 2007 @ 10:59 pm

  16. surcie said,

    Loved the “Bllue Mountain card moments” line.

    I’ve missed a few episodes, so thanks for the summary. Is Shane gay? Seems like he’s really overcompensating with the aggression. And remember the Canadian “beauty” queen he flew in?

    These people really are so uninteresting. It’s the shallowness that keeps me watching–and shaking my head.

    | March 20, 2007 @ 2:28 am

  17. Jess Riley said,

    I got sucked into this show a few episodes back. You summed up my feelings precisely. (Blue Mountain cards–ha!)

    Is all the highly addicting reality TV a modern version of the fights in the ancient Roman coliseum? I hate that I watch this show. It makes me feel doomed.

    | March 20, 2007 @ 7:37 pm

  18. L.A. Daddy said,

    Oh, I could never watch that show. It’s too close to home. My eyelid starts to quiver whenever I get too close to the 714.

    And the show would like a staring at a traffic accident (between a truck load of silicon and a Botox injection specialist in a Jaguar) as you drive by. It’s interesting but surreal.

    | March 20, 2007 @ 9:18 pm

  19. BlogWhore said,

    vicki? the lesser of the two evils? no. no. no.

    she, by far, is the most materialistic and fucked-up one of all.

    | March 21, 2007 @ 4:36 pm

  20. Cory said,

    “Slade is a moron, Shane is a moron but I would still sleep with either of them because I might be a moron too.”

    hehheee, I cannot stop laughing out loud from suzy’s comment…freaking hilarious. she’s so right. 😉

    | March 21, 2007 @ 4:55 pm

  21. Dad Gone Mad said,

    As a resident of Orange County (perhaps the only one without implants or Botoxed lips), let me just say this:

    JO IS HOT!

    | March 21, 2007 @ 10:51 pm

  22. Anonymous said,

    I am so onboard with your post. I too have been sucked in by those bitchy plastics. I love when Bravo marathons them on the weekends and I get to catch up on what I’ve missed. They are horrid women.

    | April 10, 2007 @ 8:59 pm

  23. mouth wide open said,

    Did you know Tammy was rich once and she and Duff have a child?

    | June 9, 2007 @ 10:13 pm

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