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Pretty Woman Part Deux

I’m watching Pretty Woman the other night on tv and I can’t help but be pulled in by the magic. Can any of us? Isn’t is just the most romantic story? I mean, how many prostitutes meet Mr. Right while turning their very first trick? And after proving that she cleans up good – and refuses to make love to his friends (I bet Jason Alexander was a tough one to turn down), she gets the guy and the roses “the whole thing!” Okay, fine, Pretty Woman came out, what, a billion years ago? Why am I talking about it now? Because, my pretties, I realized that there was never a sequel to Pretty Woman and I personally feel it’s begging, just begging for one.

Oh Garry Marshall, I hope you’re reading this – prepare for gold.

We open with a very pregnant Julia Roberts, laying in her super comfy thousand thread count bedding, watching a little tv with her super busy, executive hubby, the still foxy Mr. Gere. But, oh dear, even though it’s late, Richard’s forgotten some important papers at the office. “Honey, while you’re out, I’m going to need another pint of this delish Ben & Jerry’s Chubby Hubby. I seriously can’t get enough! It’s so carmely”

“No problem, sweetheart. Be back as soon as possible.” As soon he leaves, Laura San Giacomo calls (her role, unfortunately is a bit smaller in the sequel as she’s not as big a name since “Just Shoot Me” went off the air). Laura gushes,

“you did it. You really did it, Jules! You got the hot guy, the mansion and soon you’ll have the best accessory ever- a baby! I just hope it happens to me soon too cause I’ve had so many STD’s the free clinic’s not even free for me anymore. And Jimmy, you remember Jimmy our pimp, he smashed my eye in with a glass bottle of massage oil so now I can’t even make money until my eye stops oozing. Anyway, enough about me, I’m so fucking happy for you!”

“Thanks Laura! You’re the best friend a girl could have. And now I must hang up because my beautiful husband will be home with my Ben & Jerry’s any moment.”

Meanwhile, Richard, back in the familiar territory of Hollywood Blvd. cruises in his Lotus Esprit, slowly taking in the sights and sounds while his hunger for anonymous sex grows. You see, even though he’s been attending his sex addiction meetings, this is a monkey that’s hard to throw off your back. Suddenly, he sees her — at first glance you or I might think she’s homeless, no teeth, no shoes, a purplish velour one piece hanging off because the elastic has long since given way, but Richard sees a beauty. A beauty with a bottle of booze in a brown paper bag.

“Excuse me, I need directions…” Purple Velour cackles and slurs “I can give you directions to the nearest place dat sells da booze” and she hops in and looks around the car, “I bet this baby turns like it’s on rails” Richard smiles.

In the Beverly Wilshire hotel, Richard and his new lady love for the evening come in under the watchful eye yet approving eye of Hector Elizondo. The two lovebirds ride the elevator up and Richard’s drunk homeless date pushes all the buttons and then cackles hysterically until she accidentally throws up a little bit. Once in the room, Richard pulls out a beautiful red velvet box and opens it for Purple Velour revealing a beautiful diamond necklace. She looks at it confused and he shuts it on her hand jokingly. It suprises her though and she falls, grabbing onto the majestic curtains for balance. Unfortunately she still falls taking the curtains down with her. And then promptly passes out.

Finally, Richard’s done his business, Purple Velour is dressed and Richard’s in a slightly melancholy mood having had a “slip” for the fourth time that week. Rather than call his Sex Addiction sponser, he heads down to the big empty ballroom to tinkle out a little sad melody on the grand piano. Purple follows him downstairs to get paid but when she hears his beautiful, heartfelt melody, she perches herself on the piano, which takes a few tries because she topples off once or twice. Loudly ordering a bourban straight up from an imaginary waiter, she turns to Richard. “I waaaant da whowl fing. Da place to seep at night, da druuugs, everyting. Marrrry me, asshole”

“You are the most incredible thing, Purple Velour, I will marry you. I just have to run home for one second and drop something off. Don’t go anywhere!”

“Mmmm…Chubby Hubby…my favorite! Thanks, baby. I love you. Let’s name our baby Richard Jr. because you’ve changed my life and I want to always remember and be grateful for that! Now come over here and snuggle with me.”

“Sure baby, lemme just take a quick shower.”

Back at the Bev Wilshire, Hector Elizondo escorts Purple Velour out to the bus stop. He gives her a ten spot and tells her to have a goodnight.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on March 10, 2007 5:23 pmUncategorized15 comments  

15 Comments

  1. Mona said,

    Thanks Stephanie for this post, partly for resurrecting my undying love for this classic but especially for helping me realize where I had seen Laura San Giacomo before…

    | March 10, 2007 @ 8:15 pm

  2. In the Trenches of Mommyhood said,

    Hilarious! Thanks for taking me back to the early 90’s. I can totally recite the entire dialogue of Pretty Woman (“this baby corners like its on rails!”)…does that make me pathetic?…or just a diehard romantic? I’d like to think the latter, thank you very much.

    | March 11, 2007 @ 3:14 am

  3. gmcountrymama said,

    OMG that is so funny! Especially the part when Purle Velour tries to get on the piano. I like your version much more than the original. Its much funnier and realistic. Thanks for the laugh.

    | March 11, 2007 @ 4:02 pm

  4. Jenee said,

    Simply awesome!

    It’s probably really tacky for me to try and add to your fabulous story but… What about a scene where Richard invites PV to a gala event (because a pregger Jules wouldn’t suffice) and she needs a dress and so she goes into a fancy Rodeo Drive store where she meets up with Paris Hilton who says snottily (is that a word?), “I think you’re looking for the Gap around the corner. I’d drive you myself but my Bentley’s been impounded. And I’m drunk- though that wouldn’t stop me. Here’s $100 if you’ll leave my airspace immediately.” Of course PV takes the C-note for some crack then cries to Richard and he decides to stand up to Miss Hilton but ends up fucking her instead.

    Too unrealistic?

    | March 12, 2007 @ 2:53 pm

  5. Elizabeth said,

    *Snort* Ha! Considering how sequel-happy Hollywood is, I’m surprised there wasn’t a Pretty Woman Two. I mean, there was Miss Congeniality Two for heaven’s sakes!

    | March 12, 2007 @ 5:50 pm

  6. Meena said,

    That was one of the funniest things I’ve ever read. Thank you for the chuckle!

    How could they go wrong with that sequel? :-)

    I love the movie too. Almost as much as Dirty Dancing (for which I know far too many lines). C’mon a sequel for Dirty Dancing? GOLD!

    | March 12, 2007 @ 6:28 pm

  7. surcie said,

    She walked off the Strip and into his shriveled little shell of a heart.

    That movie came out the year I grad’d from college, and I loved it. Now that I’m old and cynical, it drives me nuts.

    I think Purple Velour is a great name!

    | March 12, 2007 @ 7:00 pm

  8. Mom101 said,

    Oh my God, brilliant. I even have the title for you:

    Pretty Woman II: Hooker With a Uterus of Gold

    Let me know if you need a collaborator. I smell an Oscar.

    | March 13, 2007 @ 1:56 am

  9. Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said,

    Ha! Great idea!

    But who is Purple Velour? Which young actress can capture the street-smart sassy rags part, yet still pull off the elegant but quirky riches part? And do it all in a purpley, veloury kind of a way? It’s a tall order. I’m thinking Scarlett Johanssen. But is Scarlett Purple? I’m thinking that’s too bruise coloured. But she could be beaten up in the opening scene? Making Richard’s rescue syndrome all the more poignant, while hinting at the grim realities of the street, but only hinting to keep it a PG.

    You know, you would think I was a woman with no laundry to do or lunchboxes to make up, but you’d be wrong. If, however, you were to think I was a woman with the better part of a bottle of Pinot Grigio (much the better part) inside her, you’d be shpot…that’s spot on.

    Sorry for the comment spew. At least it wasn’t red wine though, yeah?

    Oh God, now I have to get word verification right…

    | March 13, 2007 @ 5:56 am

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    Head Shop, Herbal Grinders ,
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    | March 13, 2007 @ 10:46 pm

  11. Stefanie said,

    Oscar thank you so much. Obviously you could tell what I’d been doing before I wrote that post.

    | March 14, 2007 @ 2:12 am

  12. surcie said,

    Even your spam is funny!

    BTW, glad to see you’re still policing fashion for US Weekly. I pray that dear Gwyneth is taking your critique to heart. (WTF?!)

    | March 14, 2007 @ 3:10 am

  13. Jess Riley said,

    Purple Velour! I love it.
    And that bit about the massage oil bottle? Comedy gold.

    (I actually MADE OUT with a guy in the theater while watching this movie. That’s an embarrassing anecdote that kind of makes me SICK.)

    | March 14, 2007 @ 4:00 pm

  14. BlogWhore said,

    oscar stole my comment. bastard.

    seriously though, are u guys smoking the green at playgroups now? this post was too funny.

    | March 14, 2007 @ 7:25 pm

  15. L.A. Daddy said,

    Yeah, this movie to me was like a one night stand with a girl you met in a bar at one a.m.

    It seems like a fun thing while you’re doing it. But the next morning, you’re full of guilt and itching in vague places around your body.

    | March 16, 2007 @ 8:13 pm

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