I’m watching Pretty Woman the other night on tv and I can’t help but be pulled in by the magic. Can any of us? Isn’t is just the most romantic story? I mean, how many prostitutes meet Mr. Right while turning their very first trick? And after proving that she cleans up good – and refuses to make love to his friends (I bet Jason Alexander was a tough one to turn down), she gets the guy and the roses “the whole thing!” Okay, fine, Pretty Woman came out, what, a billion years ago? Why am I talking about it now? Because, my pretties, I realized that there was never a sequel to Pretty Woman and I personally feel it’s begging, just begging for one.
Oh Garry Marshall, I hope you’re reading this – prepare for gold.
We open with a very pregnant Julia Roberts, laying in her super comfy thousand thread count bedding, watching a little tv with her super busy, executive hubby, the still foxy Mr. Gere. But, oh dear, even though it’s late, Richard’s forgotten some important papers at the office. “Honey, while you’re out, I’m going to need another pint of this delish Ben & Jerry’s Chubby Hubby. I seriously can’t get enough! It’s so carmely”
“No problem, sweetheart. Be back as soon as possible.” As soon he leaves, Laura San Giacomo calls (her role, unfortunately is a bit smaller in the sequel as she’s not as big a name since “Just Shoot Me” went off the air). Laura gushes,
“you did it. You really did it, Jules! You got the hot guy, the mansion and soon you’ll have the best accessory ever- a baby! I just hope it happens to me soon too cause I’ve had so many STD’s the free clinic’s not even free for me anymore. And Jimmy, you remember Jimmy our pimp, he smashed my eye in with a glass bottle of massage oil so now I can’t even make money until my eye stops oozing. Anyway, enough about me, I’m so fucking happy for you!”
“Thanks Laura! You’re the best friend a girl could have. And now I must hang up because my beautiful husband will be home with my Ben & Jerry’s any moment.”
Meanwhile, Richard, back in the familiar territory of Hollywood Blvd. cruises in his Lotus Esprit, slowly taking in the sights and sounds while his hunger for anonymous sex grows. You see, even though he’s been attending his sex addiction meetings, this is a monkey that’s hard to throw off your back. Suddenly, he sees her — at first glance you or I might think she’s homeless, no teeth, no shoes, a purplish velour one piece hanging off because the elastic has long since given way, but Richard sees a beauty. A beauty with a bottle of booze in a brown paper bag.
“Excuse me, I need directions…” Purple Velour cackles and slurs “I can give you directions to the nearest place dat sells da booze” and she hops in and looks around the car, “I bet this baby turns like it’s on rails” Richard smiles.
In the Beverly Wilshire hotel, Richard and his new lady love for the evening come in under the watchful eye yet approving eye of Hector Elizondo. The two lovebirds ride the elevator up and Richard’s drunk homeless date pushes all the buttons and then cackles hysterically until she accidentally throws up a little bit. Once in the room, Richard pulls out a beautiful red velvet box and opens it for Purple Velour revealing a beautiful diamond necklace. She looks at it confused and he shuts it on her hand jokingly. It suprises her though and she falls, grabbing onto the majestic curtains for balance. Unfortunately she still falls taking the curtains down with her. And then promptly passes out.
Finally, Richard’s done his business, Purple Velour is dressed and Richard’s in a slightly melancholy mood having had a “slip” for the fourth time that week. Rather than call his Sex Addiction sponser, he heads down to the big empty ballroom to tinkle out a little sad melody on the grand piano. Purple follows him downstairs to get paid but when she hears his beautiful, heartfelt melody, she perches herself on the piano, which takes a few tries because she topples off once or twice. Loudly ordering a bourban straight up from an imaginary waiter, she turns to Richard. “I waaaant da whowl fing. Da place to seep at night, da druuugs, everyting. Marrrry me, asshole”
“You are the most incredible thing, Purple Velour, I will marry you. I just have to run home for one second and drop something off. Don’t go anywhere!”
“Mmmm…Chubby Hubby…my favorite! Thanks, baby. I love you. Let’s name our baby Richard Jr. because you’ve changed my life and I want to always remember and be grateful for that! Now come over here and snuggle with me.”
“Sure baby, lemme just take a quick shower.”
Back at the Bev Wilshire, Hector Elizondo escorts Purple Velour out to the bus stop. He gives her a ten spot and tells her to have a goodnight.