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Oooh, Trader Joe’s Why Do You Have To Be So God Damned Great?

Listen up Trader Joe’s. You’re on my list. And don’t bother giving me those puppy dog eyes either; the ones that say “who me? I’m just trying to wuv you! Won’t you give me a scratch behind my ears and sample some free Belgian waffles with soy ice cream on top – plus a Nyquil sized cup of our special Winter Blend coffee?” Yes, I don’t mind if I do sample your wares. But, can’t you just once give me something to complain about? Don’t you know how much I enjoy a good complaint?

What are they paying you there to act so sincere? Why do you have to make my fucking day by asking if you can help me find anything and MEANING IT? I like to bitch, don’t you get it, people? When I walk through the aisles why the smiles? Are you trying to make my shopping experience enjoyable? Why must everything be so tasty and inexpensive that I want to punch your buyers in the face for being so great?? Is that what they want? A black eye? You’re really asking for when you chase me out to my car so that I don’t have to return the cart back to the front of the store myself. How dare you say, “can I put those bags in the trunk for you?”

Don’t you know that getting irritated is like my own form of Yoga? You’re taking that away from me, TJ’s. Do you hate me? Is that why you’re contantly putting deliciousness on sale like that huge box of gourmet chocolates you have the nerve to sell for six dollars? I could kill you right now for that sort of kindness.

Why can’t you have one cashier with a bad attitude? I get plenty of it at Ralphs. I can count on Ralphs for a sneer when I don’t answer the paper or plastic question fast enough. You? Forget it. You’re all smiles. Real smiles. When I try to put my chicken burritos, a steal at three dollars for two with only 8 grams of fat, on your counter for you to ring up, you have the nerve to say, “don’t worry about it. I got it.” WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU? And, for the love of God, why do you have to actually acknowledge me like you know I live in the neighborhood and ask if I’ve had a good weekend? You couldn’t possibly care but yet…it seems like you do!!!! My head is going to implode.

Didn’t you get the memo that good customer service is a thing of the past? And why do you get along with each other so well? It’s almost like you want to be there. Like work is fun and you have a cool boss. And why do you have to have a hot looking 19-year-old cashier with the long hair and the sexy name who looks like he just flew in from Hawaii where he was in some sort of naked surf boarding competition. You know, the one who flirts with me like I’m not 40? Next thing you know that asshole’s going to card me buying my wine and then I’m really going to feel good. God, I could scream right now I’m so angry!

I hate you guys. And trust me, if it takes me the rest of my life, I will find something to complain about with you. Oh wait, your parking lot is way too crowded all the time. See, right there. It’s a side effect of you being TOO FUCKING GREAT! Now get your act together, take a clue from Ralphs, Safeway or any department store make-up counter and make an attempt to ruin my day like a normal store.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on January 18, 2007 10:32 pmUncategorized17 comments  

17 Comments

  1. jali said,

    I want a Trader Joes of my own…sigh.

    | January 19, 2007 @ 5:34 pm

  2. BlogWhore said,

    I feel the exact same way… about wal-mart.

    Except with all the friendly faces.. or the tasty samples…

    Face it, I’m just happy that I can buy diapers, salad in a bag and automotive oil all in one place.

    and P.S.
    I am nursing my daughter and home schooling her until she votes democrate.

    | January 19, 2007 @ 5:41 pm

  3. gingajoy said,

    they are. they ARE!
    I have to drive over an hour to our nearest. they MAKE me do it with their beguiling ways/
    assholes.

    p.s. have you tried the shrimp dumplings? divine. simply divine.

    | January 19, 2007 @ 11:28 pm

  4. creative-type dad said,

    The wife and I love the Trader Joe’s.

    The desserts there ROCK the casbah!

    | January 20, 2007 @ 4:13 am

  5. surcie said,

    I had a Trader Joes and then I moved 7 hours away from it. Thanks for making me CRY!

    surcie.typepad.com

    | January 20, 2007 @ 4:33 am

  6. Shannon said,

    Oh you know I am the Queen of all yummy things TJ’s!

    | January 20, 2007 @ 4:34 am

  7. gmcountrymama said,

    I can’t believe they have the nerve to treat their customers like that. I once asked for help pushing my shopping cart to my car because the parking lot had not been plowed yet. It’s a real pain in the ass to push a cart through snow and I didn’t want it to tip over with my son in it. The cashier said “NO, we are too busy!” so I said “Ok, see you next week”.

    | January 21, 2007 @ 12:50 am

  8. iagreewithme.wordpress.com said,

    Ok I love me some TJs but I absolutely detest.detest.detest their slooooowwwwwww cashiers who are trained to be as sloooowwww and nice and calm as possible so that you can spend even more time at TJs than you had planned. Ok that is my one but rather major complaint. I hope this is something you can find to be annoyed at too!!!

    | January 22, 2007 @ 8:27 pm

  9. Jenny said,

    Oh yeah. Yes. Trader Joes is screwing with my ability to gripe about groceries, too.

    | January 23, 2007 @ 3:01 pm

  10. Guwi said,

    I lived in Boston for 6 years where they built a TJ’s within 10 minutes of me right before I moved. How unfair is that?

    So now there’s one about 1/2 hour from me, and I finally went last week to do some shopping and OH. MY. GOD. I was happy for like, 36 hours after I went there. Then I ran out of the food I’d bought. Then there was HELL TO PAY.

    I need more black bean salsa. Can someone send me some? I’m thinking of moving across the street from them. There’s a huge mall there at the moment, but living there has merit too. Perhaps I could live in Restoration Hardware? Wash my hair every morning at Aveda? This plan is shaping up, by the minute.

    need. salsa.

    | January 24, 2007 @ 5:02 pm

  11. Jess Riley said,

    We don’t have a Trader Joes, Safeway OR Ralphs.

    But we’ve got Targets and Wal-Marts galore.

    | January 25, 2007 @ 9:25 pm

  12. Lori said,

    And they are always so nice to my kids!!! (but I think my TJs in the Valley is so much more friendlier than the other TJs in other parts of the city)

    | January 25, 2007 @ 10:22 pm

  13. sarah said,

    this is so true. Everyone there has sunshine coming out of their butts–but in a nice way.

    | January 26, 2007 @ 4:12 am

  14. Wendy said,

    I saw you on the Today show!! Aaaah! I was screaming to no one but myself – what an idiot I am – and how much did I want to join you with that glass of wine in the backyard! You were awesome, hon..

    | January 26, 2007 @ 7:10 pm

  15. Mom101 said,

    You can’t even imagine what happened when TJ first opened in Manhattan last year on 14 street. The entire island tilted sank about 2 degrees more into the water, just around Union Square. Mayhem, I tell you. That should put just a teeny damper on the TJ enthusiasm, no?

    | January 27, 2007 @ 12:18 am

  16. KatS said,

    Oh my, I think we must have the same cashier. I could have sworn he was flirting with me, but why should he, with my hair in a utilitatian pony tail, no make-up, and still 20 pounds left after the babies were born? Sigh.

    | February 6, 2007 @ 4:34 am

  17. Peeved Michelle said,

    If you are talking about that Ralph’s by the Barnes & Noble, I totally feel you. I almost always go across the street to Gelson’s instead, if only because they will unpack my cart for me.

    | February 7, 2007 @ 8:52 pm

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