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Archive for January, 2007

ANTM

First off, I want to thank (most) everyone who commented for saying such nice things about my appearance on the Today Show. I have to say, all in all, pretty damn fun. Mostly what I thought was so kind like any normal woman is how many of you made comments about my slenderness. Here’s the funny part. I am so not that thin at all! I really had to think about this after I saw so many of your comments telling me I looked good. I had to take a cold, hard, honest look at myself. And the discovery I made was truly frightening. I mean, okay, yes I’m thin. If I were to apply to America’s Next Top Model (expect this probably next year or the year after, I mean Miss Tyra needs to chill) I would probably make it down to the last two or three. But that part is based not just on pure thinness but on thinness of character which I do have. I have been blessed with almost no acting talent whatsoever, no tolerance for standing in one pose without laughing for more than an eighth of a second and a voracious appetite for corn nuts. One of these absences of character would surely put me out of the race for first place the AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL. And then I couldn’t marry Christopher Knight and have my own reality show. I mean, maybe just maybe I could be on Surreal Life but, really, who wants the runner-up?

So, again, thanks for the compliments but until you see that they have no meaning here in the real world you’d be better just to stick with constructive criticism. Although, yeah, that would be tough to find too. I see your predicament. I feel for you.

But just know that my advantage above other ANTM hopefuls is a curse as much as a blessing. And that makes me feel very alone.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on January 31, 2007 6:26 amUncategorized16 comments  

The One With The Green Shirt

Hey Turkeybutts,

Welcome to post Today Show comments. I don’t know how many of you caught the segment on us wine swillin’ white trash boozehounds but I really didn’t think it was that bad. I actually felt it was fair and balanced. A person has a right to warn us that a few drinks is too many when you’re with your child. Do you really want your child to see you slurring? I don’t. I’ve broken up with men for less. The last very last point I would have made on the show is that drinking a lot around your kids is okay. In my mind it’s not. BUT, is it easy to be stone cold sobor 24/7 with toddlers, you know the answer to that. Courtney Love isn’t managing it too well.

I enjoy a drink now and again at a friend’s house during a playdate. TRUTH be told, I can’t stand being buzzed during the day because I’m way too tired at night. And since becoming a mom, I can’t think of anything more aggregious than strapping my beautiful daughter into her car seat with no control over her destiny and getting behind the wheel drunk.

Hopefully, the reason this wasn’t addressed on the show is that we as mothers, are given at least that much fucking common sense. This wasn’t an intervention, it was a look at a trend. I don’t think they came down too hard on anyone.

Look, I barely have time to get my toenails polished and I happen to be an open toe show whore so this isn’t good, if I can fit in time to have a glass of wine and stay awake until Housewives of Orange County is over, I’ve had a steller day.

To be honest, I’ve tried to communicate with Melissa Summers over her blog but A) she never ever responds and B) now she’s got some typepad thingy that is harder to get into than the UN building. I would love to tell her we’re all on the same side and some people just don’t have a sense of humor. But I strongly believe more of us do or this funny mothering blogging wouldn’t be half as popular. It would just be all about breastfeeding.

Anyway, if you wish to leave a comment, please limit it to compliments (including how anorexic I looked, agreement on the topic, and how I should have my own show).

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on January 26, 2007 10:28 pmUncategorized43 comments  

Oooh, Trader Joe’s Why Do You Have To Be So God Damned Great?

Listen up Trader Joe’s. You’re on my list. And don’t bother giving me those puppy dog eyes either; the ones that say “who me? I’m just trying to wuv you! Won’t you give me a scratch behind my ears and sample some free Belgian waffles with soy ice cream on top – plus a Nyquil sized cup of our special Winter Blend coffee?” Yes, I don’t mind if I do sample your wares. But, can’t you just once give me something to complain about? Don’t you know how much I enjoy a good complaint?

What are they paying you there to act so sincere? Why do you have to make my fucking day by asking if you can help me find anything and MEANING IT? I like to bitch, don’t you get it, people? When I walk through the aisles why the smiles? Are you trying to make my shopping experience enjoyable? Why must everything be so tasty and inexpensive that I want to punch your buyers in the face for being so great?? Is that what they want? A black eye? You’re really asking for when you chase me out to my car so that I don’t have to return the cart back to the front of the store myself. How dare you say, “can I put those bags in the trunk for you?”

Don’t you know that getting irritated is like my own form of Yoga? You’re taking that away from me, TJ’s. Do you hate me? Is that why you’re contantly putting deliciousness on sale like that huge box of gourmet chocolates you have the nerve to sell for six dollars? I could kill you right now for that sort of kindness.

Why can’t you have one cashier with a bad attitude? I get plenty of it at Ralphs. I can count on Ralphs for a sneer when I don’t answer the paper or plastic question fast enough. You? Forget it. You’re all smiles. Real smiles. When I try to put my chicken burritos, a steal at three dollars for two with only 8 grams of fat, on your counter for you to ring up, you have the nerve to say, “don’t worry about it. I got it.” WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU? And, for the love of God, why do you have to actually acknowledge me like you know I live in the neighborhood and ask if I’ve had a good weekend? You couldn’t possibly care but yet…it seems like you do!!!! My head is going to implode.

Didn’t you get the memo that good customer service is a thing of the past? And why do you get along with each other so well? It’s almost like you want to be there. Like work is fun and you have a cool boss. And why do you have to have a hot looking 19-year-old cashier with the long hair and the sexy name who looks like he just flew in from Hawaii where he was in some sort of naked surf boarding competition. You know, the one who flirts with me like I’m not 40? Next thing you know that asshole’s going to card me buying my wine and then I’m really going to feel good. God, I could scream right now I’m so angry!

I hate you guys. And trust me, if it takes me the rest of my life, I will find something to complain about with you. Oh wait, your parking lot is way too crowded all the time. See, right there. It’s a side effect of you being TOO FUCKING GREAT! Now get your act together, take a clue from Ralphs, Safeway or any department store make-up counter and make an attempt to ruin my day like a normal store.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on January 18, 2007 10:32 pmUncategorized17 comments  

Today Show Bump

It’s always so fun when you go to watch yourself on tv only to find out that you’ve been replaced with a story on women who make more money than their men.

My Today Show drinkin’ moms interview will now be airing on January 26th. As it turns out, the in studio guest is non other than Melissa from Suburban Bliss. She will be on the couch and hopefully take any or all of the heat for our “alcoholic ways.” In reality, there’s nothing wrong with having a glass of wine in front of your kids. There are so many bigger and better things to be judgemental about. Like wearing white after Labor Day or building a meth lab in your basement by smuggling Sudafed in from other countries since it’s illegal to by it here. I honestly don’t know what’s wrong with our country. The things we judge mothers on don’t make sense. A lot of the mothers who breastfeed, co-sleep and homeschool their kids until they’re old enough to vote, have come down hard on my book for daring to suggest that it’s okay if you can’t or don’t end up breastfeeding. These are the exact same mothers who are pro-war because Bush says it’s right and Bush is a Christian and Christians are always right because they go by the bible. And I don’t want to hear any different la la la la la la la – I’m not listening!

Well, there are plenty of mothers just like me. Mothers who can’t believe their luck in how much they love their child, their life, their husbands, their jobs. Women who feel grateful that having a child changed their life even if they still wish for a couple of things back from their old life (like a post midnight bedtime). It’s a different world than thirty years ago – a world where we have car seats for our babies (quick someone show Britney how to use hers) and we know better than to smoke in the car or house or at all. A world where our drug of choice seems to be coffee or Klonopin rather than a double scotch rocks at five p.m. every day. But still, we’re judged.

Well judge away on my playdate glass of wine habit. I happen to know that I’m more fun when I’m one-sheet-to-the-wind. And I give a damn good impromptu puppet show. And I weigh three times as much as Nicole Richie so my tolerance is much higher.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on January 15, 2007 9:22 pmUncategorized22 comments  

Living In The Aftermath…

First off, thank you all for being so supportive after I spilled the beans about my near Anne Heche style break with reality. Travel and toddlers can do that to you. I won’t make that mistake again. NO MORE KIDS.

As one commentor suggested, I think I had a little post traumatic stress going on because I really couldn’t stop crying for about two days. Every little thing set me off and I decided that my daughter didn’t like me anymore (I really thought that) but I feel so much better now. And…I never got to tell you a totally awesome thing about my trip. I met, had dinner, got drunk and made an ass of myself with none other than Denise my east coast blogging buddy. She’s every bit as cool as I figured she would be but now I’m just sad that she doesn’t live here – where it’s warm – and we could play – that’s if she doesn’t think I’m completely nuts. I have an insecure streak as wide as Britney’s post-babies va-jay-jay.

Anyway, one other thing I thought I’d mention in case some of you don’t read my blog that often, next Friday the 12th sometime around 8:20 I’m going to be on The Today Show talking about everyone’s favorite blog topic – COCKTAIL MOMS. Yes, we’re bored of it already right? But they asked if I had a point of view on the topic and, really, is there a topic on God’s green earth I don’t have a point of view on? So, to sum it up, I told them that I prefer my playdate buds to join me in eight glasses of wine and then all pile into one of our cars without car seats and go careening around the neighborhood. OR I told them I like to have a glass of wine in the afternoon with my friends and that anyone who thinks I shouldn’t can lick my drain. I guess they thought that was a strong enough point of view and did a piece on me and a couple of my friends. So check it out if you want to see how fat I’ve gotten.

Peace out –

thanks again for the support

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on January 4, 2007 11:13 pmUncategorized9 comments  


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