I’M SO OVER LANCE ARMSTRONG. Yes, you won a bunch of Tour de’ Frances blah blah blah but you have gotten such a swelled head about it.More than a swelled head, you’ve somehow decided that your celebrity is such that you need a new Hollywood rep. And the rep you’ve chosen is “weird old guy co-mingling with the under 17 set of stars and starlets.” It’s unbecoming. I don’t care that you can get into Hyde and have a posse that includes Lindsay Lohan. I think if I had enough “performance enhancing drugs” and was willing to hand them out, the man in the headset at the door would wave me past the line too. The difference is, I HAVE NO INTEREST IN IT. You on the other hand, like some 15 year-old-boy, think it’s cool that you can feel Paris Hilton’s boobie in the VIP lounge of Area.
We know, you’ve been through a lot. You only have one ball, that can’t be good, except maybe giving you a little extra speed on your bike. But, fuck, you’ve retired so you can’t even use that to your advantage.
Again, what’s happened to you? First you dump your wife of a lot of years (I don’t know exactly how many and to be honest I’m not in the mood to go look it up. I’m not writing a piece for Vanity Faire, it’s a blog for Christ’s sake). I can’t even blame Sheryl Crowe whom I love to shit on. She’s not a girl’s girl if you know anything about her. Which I don’t but I’ve heard from people who know people who read People. But, seriously, you dump the wife who has been with your forever, stayed with you through your chemo and ball loss, then dumped her ass along with your kids and hooked up with Sheryl. Okay. Fine. But then!!!! You dump Sheryl (who you may have dumped because she gave you Clamydia for all I know but still she just found out she had breast cancer) and now…da da da da…you’re hanging out with Paris Hilton? Lance we need to talk. More than talk. You, my friend, need an intervention. Not to mention a bath from hanging out with Matthew McCaunahay or however his name is spelled. Honestly, what do the two of you talk about? “DUDE, do that line from Dazed and Confused again!It fucking kills me” “I get older, they stay the same age.” “AAAAAAHHHHH! I love it! Fucking hilarious. And so true! One more time!”
I don’t want to hear anymore about the beach house you two share, all the “lady killing” you’ve been doing, the his and his botox you’re probably having and stop with the fucking bracelets. They’re not working.