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Archive for June, 2006

10 Things I hate about Me

Okay, Steph from I Ended Up Here How? tagged me to do a meme and I don’t really want to do it because it has to do with what’s in my fridge etc. and that seriously is boring. You have to trust me on that. So, I will do one in her honor that I saw on another site which is “things you probably don’t want to know about me.” Here goes:

1. Sometimes I go a couple of days without changing my underwear. Not on purpose but I’ll notice that I haven’t changed them.

2. Sometimes I just go ahead and toss underwear that I don’t feel like washing.

3. I’ve tried to teach my 19-month-old to say “shit” cause I think that would be funny. It hasn’t worked yet.

4. I enjoy Lifetime movies. The cheesier the better. But only if they’re “based on a true story.”

5. I sort of like country music.

6. I thing a blow job counts as sex.

7. I don’t like George Clooney. Sorry. He bores me.

8. I once dated a married man.

9. I drink wine pretty much every night.

10. I’ve never had botox and I need it.

sleep on that shit, bitches.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on June 16, 2006 7:24 pmUncategorized23 comments  

Bi-Curious George

I think this would make a good sequel to the Curious George books don’t you guys agree?

CLOSE UP ON AN ANIMATED BOOK COVER WITH A MONKEY IN A PAIR OF LEATHER SHORT SHORTS AND A TIGHT TANK TOP. THE TITLE IS “THE ADVENTURES OF BI-CURIOUS GEORGE”

NARRATOR (V.O.)

This is George. He was a good little monkey and always a little curious.
Over all of the actions we hear voice-over narrations.

INT. KITCHEN – DAY

GEORGE and the MAN WITH THE YELLOW HAT, peer into a cupboard.

NARRATOR
One day George had a hankering for some bananas. But sadly the cupboard was bare.
So George and the man with the yellow hat headed off to the market.

CUT TO:

INT. MARKET – PRODUCE SECTION – DAY
The man with the yellow hat stands next to their shopping cart which is full of bananas.

NARRATOR
“I think we have enough bananas, George,” said the man with the yellow hat.
ANGLE ON: George stroking a banana suggestively.

The man with the yellow hat takes the banana away from George and puts it back in with the other bananas.
An extremely handsome gay male couple decked out in leather walks by.
George jumps from his cart into theirs and they keep going.

NARRATOR (V.O.) (CONT’D)
But when the man with the yellow hat turned back, George was no where to be found. “Now where has that monkey gotten off to?” He wondered.

CUT TO:

EXT. MARKET PARKING LOT – A LITTLE LATER
The man with the yellow hat runs out of the store just in time to see George zoom off on the back of a CONVERTIBLE RED MAZDA MIATA with the license plate “SHO 2NS.”

NARRATOR
The man with the yellow hat called after the naughty monkey but it was too late.

CUT TO:

EXT. CITY STREET – EARLY EVENING
The man drives slowly down the street looking from left the right.

NARRATOR
The man with the yellow hat set out to find George.
The car passes by an outdoor concert with a huge sign that reads “TONIGHT ONLY: ABBA REUNION”

INT. CONCERT – CONTINUOUS
George sits between the leather clad men, swaying to the beat of “Dancing Queen.”

NARRATOR
He searched high…

CUT TO:

EXT. CITY STREET – LATER
The man with the yellow hat walks down the street passing a DAY SPA.

INT. SPA – CONTINUOUS
George and the men lay on tables all wearing mud masks with cucumbers over their eyes. A WOMAN waxes huge strips of fur off of George’s chest.

NARRATOR
And low…

CUT TO:

EXT. CITY STREET – A LITTLE LATER
The man peers into a restaurant while behind him a GAY PRIDE PARADE goes by with George waving from atop the biggest float.

NARRATOR
But George was no where to be found.

CUT TO:

INT. BAR – A FEW MINUTES LATER
The man sits at the bar while a shirtless bartender pours him a drink.

NARRATOR
The man with the yellow hat decided to warm up with a hot drink while he figured out where to look next.

ANGLE ON: Behind him, a tipsy George, wearing nothing except butt-less chaps and a nipple piercing dances around.

NARRATOR (CONT’D)
“The city at night is no place for a little monkey he thought,” George must be so very frightened.
George guzzles SHIRAZ straight from the bottle.

CUT TO:
EXT. BAR – LATER
The man with the yellow hat walks down the street away from the bar.

NARRATOR
It was getting very late but the man with the yellow hat refused to give up.

ANGLE ON: The bar door. George stumbles out spins around a few times and passes out with X’s over his eyes.
THE NIGHT SKY TURNS TO MORNING.

CUT TO:

EXT. CITY STREET – MORNING
The man with the yellow hat, looking extremely haggard, stumbles down the sidewalks where he spots the Red Miata parked in front of a church.

NARRATOR
“At last,” the man with the yellow hat thought. George must be in there!

INT CHURCH – MOMENTS LATER
We see the back of a BRIDE AND GROOM facing a PRIEST.

NARRATOR
Stop, yelled the man with the yellow hat.
The bride and groom turn around. It’s George and STAR JONES.

NARRATOR (CONT’D)
He had reached his little friend just in the nick of time.
George, seeing the man with the yellow hat, runs over and jumps into his arms.

EXT. CHURCH – MOMENTS LATER
George and the man with the yellow hat walk with their arms around each other toward the sunrise.

NARRATOR
“You must have had quite an adventure you naughty little monkey,” scolded the man with the yellow hat. “Now let’s go home and you can tell me all about it.”
George drops his hand down and rests it on the man with the yellow hat’s ASS. He turns and winks at the camera.

“THE END.”

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on June 14, 2006 5:31 amUncategorized20 comments  

Thank God It’s (almost) Monday

When I was a lot younger, okay, before my 19 month-old was born, I had a job. Yes, I was part of that group of society that gets paid in actual money not just in inner kudos at my wonderful parenting skills. I actually made a nice salary which I used to buy things like sushi, CD’s, books and the occasional wax.

Now, not only do we as a family have less income but we have waaaaay more shopping time. Isn’t that the worst? I go to Target every other day for diapers or food or an inflatable pool and spend money that I’m not making.

The worst part of not having a job is not the lack of income actually. It’s the lack of stimulation and that’s why I look forward to Monday the way I used to look forward to Friday when I had a job. Yes, Monday actually brings phone calls and emails. Monday brings with it the possibility of employment and the lack of a crowd at the grocery store and Target. Just me and the other moms who are home with their shorties. I crave Mondays. I’m like a poster of the kitty with a bowl of spaghetti on it’s head only with the caption “Thank God It’s Monday.” YES MONDAY! Monday bring My Gym, coffee afterward and the availability of my friends with babies who spend the weekends with their husbands (who have jobs). Monday is a great day. I actually showered tonight just to prepare myself for the busy day I might possibly have tomorrow. I might get a phone call! Or mail! Or…one can only pray, a FED EX!!!!

Life as a SAHM gets pretty slow on the weekends. My husband is a writer and weekends for him are no different from weekdays so he’s not always available for a walk in the park or the zoo or some other place that is annoying on the weekend anyway.

I brought my daughter to the park today and it was pure work. Waaaay too many people. Bring on Monday morning!! Please. I need a job. Stat.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on June 12, 2006 3:39 amUncategorized19 comments  

Stress is the New Black

I think I wear stress like some people wear their favorite outfit. I’m just used to it. Like when you wear sweats a lot and you lay them at the end of your bed when you go to sleep and then it just seems easier to put them back on then go find something else to wear. And since we’re still using this analogy, I’ll let you in on a little secret – this goes for shirts as well. I know. Kind of gross but who’s smelling me – grandmothers at the park? I hear your sense of smell tends to diminish with age anyway.

So everyday I just become stressed again because it seems easier than actually making any drastic changes to my life. I could put the kid in daycare a few days a week or really get serious about getting a job or…or…start doing activities that other SAHM’s do like museums or picnics, indoor playgrounds, music groups the list is endless. But instead I do the same old stuff, well, I should cut myself a little slack. I did buy an inflatable pool the other day at Target for 9.99 and it has really enriched my baby’s exhibit (this is a term used for zoo animals that get bored. I learned it from watching my husband work on a documentary about alligators).

The thing I’m starting to come to terms with is that maybe I’m not cut out to be home trying to create activities. It’s not my strong suit. In fact, at many menial jobs way back in the day the biggest critique I got was that I “didn’t show enough initiative” – granted it’s tough to show initiative when you work in the deli dept. of a grocery store – unless you consider adding a pickle “taking initiative.”

Some people love to do all types of kid related stuff. I do too just in smaller doses – I need to lay down in between play-doh and the blow up pool. I have to read US Weekly between dinner and bathtime and not being able to do that makes me stressed. So, I’m stressed a lot. I know we all can relate which is why blogging is such a great time cause you all get it. But I can’t help but wonder what this all says about my maternal instinct. I love my daughter (can I ever write a fucking post without defending that fact?) Obviously I love her or I’d have gotten her into baby modeling or some other money making venture. Here’s the thing though. I love her but she’s not a good conversationalist yet. And you know when you’re sitting in the car with your husband and you aren’t talking but it’s totally comfortable? Well, when I’m pushing my 18-month-old to the park, sometimes I just don’t feel like making conversation with myself to which the only response I’ll get is “doggy.” It’s not that fulfulling. And then I feel an uncomfortable silence because I should be talking to her. There is no answer right now because all the advice in the world about fun stuff to do with her is just not going to sound boring to me. I’m weird that way. Of course if I become gainfully employed then I will miss my daughter like crazy and long to hear her say doggy the way a Kate Moss longs for a nice pile of white powder.

So, I guess, like black, stress is just never going out of style with me.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on June 2, 2006 7:30 pmUncategorized20 comments  


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