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Archive for May, 2006

Caution: Mommy Post

I was looking through some old photos today because I just have so much downtime now that I have a baby. Just time to hang out and do nothing right? Well, except plan every second of Elby’s day, do eighteen loads of laundry, clean the bathrooms (seriously they’re gross)the list is endless. I don’t have to tell any of you that.

And I know I’m not reinventing the wheel as a mother but GODDAMN why don’t people warn us how hard it’s going to be. Just look at my face up there looking at her “Your Baby’s Coming- Try Formula” pamphlet I received after my hospital tour. That is a face of big hopes, my expression says “hey, fun times a’ comin’! I’m going to be a mom! How amazing!” I had no idea of the mack truck of responsibility. The loss of identity, freedom, ability to do whatever the hell you want all day long. That I, of all people, would attend a Pampered Chef neighborhood party just to get out of the house.

And yes, the rewards are huge in their own way, but, if you’re like me, and I realize many people are not, the rewards for me are not of the day to day hanging out with a toddler. They rewards are having the opportunity to reevaluate what’s important, appreciate the small things, like that Elby can say “Hoo Hoo” when asked what an owl says. This is a reward but the real one for me will come later. That will be when I can she that my daughter knows how much I love her. How tangible it is. How safe she is with me. Because I didn’t have that and I can’t wait to be that for someone. A rock. I know I won’t be perfect.

But now is the really hard part. And if you ARE like me, do you ever just feel sooooo bored? I just want to put on make-up and a pair of fuck-off boots and even just go to lunch. Because it’s so hard to be the sweats and ponytail mom and feel invisible to everyone except other moms who get it.

I still remember flirting, trips to Vegas, hot sex, being barely ambulatory at the end of a great night out.

I still drink and have sex but now it’s during commercial breaks of Deal or No Deal.

Is that the DEAL?

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on May 20, 2006 8:17 pmUncategorized23 comments  

Stupid things I spend time valuable time thinking about

Why do we still use the penny? I really don’t get it. You can’t buy anything for a penny. Not even penny candy. There’s not such thing anymore. I think we need to go to quarters as our smallest amount of change. Would that be easier? Streamlined? Who is saying “hey, let’s keep this penny thing going. I think it a good use of government money to make more pennies?” Stop making pennies! Remind me, I’ve got to call my local congressman about this.

Why do parking meters exist? Today I saw a government guy driving around having to empty the meters. Isn’t that more expensive than if parking was free but we could just have a parking tax that covers all parking. Think about the man power that has to go in to emptying meters! Insane.

Why does it seem like only shitty wine comes in the big bottles? I don’t want Gallo I want something better but since I drink a lot of it, I’d like to buy a bigger bottle and save money. Can we get someone on that?

Why does sushi usually have way too much rice under it? I mean, yes, I know what you’re thinking assholes “just order sashimi.” Duh. But I like the rice just not a bathtub full under my small piece of yellowtail.

Is there a God? Can’t some scientist someone get to the bottom of this once and for all so we can figure out who’s right?

Why do so many people believe in psychics? I don’t get this at all. Especially palm readers. Come on, admit it to yourself – It’s ridiculous. And even if you go to a regular psychic, and they make s predictions about your future like “a man is going to come into your life in the next 18 months.” why are you excited about that? WHO CARES? How does that help you in your life now? Put the eighty dollars away!

If anyone has answers please feel free to fill me in. Cause I’m stumped.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on May 19, 2006 3:05 amUncategorized16 comments  

The Ghost Of Mother’s Day Past

As they used to say in OA (Overeaters Anonymous) when I was recovering from an eating disorder in my early 20’s, “you’re only as sick as your secrets.” It’s just one of the horrible mottos that I believe make 12 step programs unsufferable but it is one that stuck with me and makes me try my best to stay honest with myself. Not honest as in “that purple shirt couldn’t be a more hideous color on you.” No, I mean honest about myself. Open about what goes on with me, in my head, in my heart and in my life. I try to stop short if it might hurt other people in my life whether they deserve it or not. But, if it’s something about me, I’ll try to be an open book. It’s therapeutic for me and if you relate in someway – great. If not, hey, we all have our craziness.

I love my daughter fiercly but I’m finding that as she reaches an age where she is more prone to tantrums and not just a new baby who hangs out and is open to anything (which was hard and a big adjustment too), things are coming up. Feelings that are not so pleasant. I’m starting to connect it to the fact that toddlers are difficult. But that’s not the point. We mothers all know that. But as long as I can remember I was told I was “difficult” apparently a special brand of difficult in my mother’s opinion. “You were always a difficult child, lots of attitude.” This has been told to me in a “jokey” way and a harsh way but it’s been said at least a billion times. In every story about me as a child a comment invariably comes up about what a handful I was. My husband’s heard a million of them.

So here’s the anxiety that’s coming up now. I’m actually realizing I wasn’t difficult. I’ve lived with the label so long that’s it’s become imprinted in my self image – as much a part of me as having brown hair, being a dog person and not looking great in hats. I treated the knowlege of my difficultness as a handicap. Knowing I was a handful and hard to tolerate made me extra careful in dealing with bosses, teachers, friends and especially men. “I’m difficult” I’d tell myself which translated to not worthy.

So now I have a toddler and guess what – huge fucking surprise – like every toddler, she’s difficult at times. THEY ALL ARE. And, I’m losing my identity because if she’s just a toddler and has tantrums and opinions and is sometimes so frustrating I want to strangle her or have a glass of wine (99% of the time I choose the latter) then maybe I wasn’t a special case after all. Maybe, probably, I had a very young mother in a bad marriage who was unfulfilled and frustrated and had very very little patience for a small child who rightfully felt the world revolved around her.

So, maybe every comment about me being “selfish” “thinking I’m the queen of the house.” “thinking of no one but myself”, maybe it was true. True but not special. True when I was a teenager and a toddler. Two times it’s to be expected. And, usually we grow out of it. Because that certainly isn’t me now. I’m a mother who is loving and patient with her child, husband, friends etc. I do my very best. I’m also better equipt because I’m much older and more secure in my life at this point. But I’m finding out how hard it is to outgrow a label.

These realizations don’t free you right away, first they depress you, then they anger you, then they send you back into therapy to make tripily sure you don’t pass on any shit to your beautiful and yes, difficult in a typical way child. And that’s why I have to go buy myself a new orange shirt today. It’s therapy.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on May 16, 2006 6:22 pmUncategorized19 comments  

My Gym

When I say “My Gym” I’m not referring to the gym to which I belong. No, I’m referring of course to the “gym” that my baby belongs to. And may I add that her membership dues are about 100 times what I pay and I have to supervise her the entire time. Yes, I happily fork out 165 dollars ever 10 weeks so my baby can have a soft baby proof playroom with shit to climb on and bounce on for 45 min. once a week. Am I crazy? Probably. But my baby lives for this the way I live for Grey’s Anatomy (which is an hour thank god).

The biggest problem for me is that they have this thing at the beginning called Circle Time.This is where all the babies sit in a circle and are asked their names (no one ever asks for the mom’s name because apparently we are just the pod that spawned and our work here is done. We’ve ceased to have any identity worthy of a teenage employee in shorts and polo shirt with way too much energy knowing our name. No thanks. The baby’s name will suffice. Sometimes when I have the will to live, I will say “This is Elby and I’m Stefanie” but other times I’m just too beaten down by motherhood and must pick my battles. So, during Circle Time, we sing the Hi Hi How Ya Do song and then there’s little baby exercises I guess so our babies don’t get cellulite (mine already has it and it’s ADORABLE)it almost makes me wish I had cellulite…wait a minute…I DO! YAY! Besides exercise and a song we also do a little dance and learn a new skill. The problem with this besides the dork factor is that Elby hates circle time with a vengence. And she’s the only kid who hates it. She’ll kick and scream if you try to make her conform so I just let her run around and get a jump on the playtime. But you should see how some of the employees act. They run after her like she’s a chimp that’s escaped from the habitat and is about to start scratching, biting and taking an ear off. Luckily they stop short of shooting her with a tranquilizer gun. Although, there are times I wish I had one…but I digress.

I watch E like a hawk during circle time while she does her own thang. But it still seems to annoy everyone. I just don’t care anymore. I pay big buck to go there and I’m going dammit and E’s not sitting through circle time if she doesn’t feel like it.

So, earlier this week I’m at MG and there’s a woman sitting next to me who looks super familiar. You know how it is when you’re a new mom. You meet people in the park, grocery store, ER etc. I could’ve known her from anywhere so I said “what’s your name, you look familiar” and she replied “Gail” with the most distain in her voice she could muster. I was a bit taken a back because even my unfriendly attitude was no match for this bitch. Then I realized. I live in L.A. She’s probably an actress. So I wracked my brain for actresses named Gail and quickly enough I realized it was none other than Gail O’ Grady. YES, some might know her from NYPD Blue but I know her from “Another Woman’s Husband” one of my all time favorite Lifetime movies that I’ve seen so many times even my husband reconizes it.Well, Ms. O’Grady – I’m DONE WITH YOUR LIFETIME MOVIE. Let that be a lesson to you and every bitchy actress mom. You’re still a mom. Just like me but with more money. And your ass is still big so there.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on May 12, 2006 1:01 pmUncategorized15 comments  

Why Do I Love Deal or No Deal?

This show is seriously stupid. Let’s start with Howie’s refusal to shake hands with anyone and thinks his “West siiiide” fist bump will make up for actually hand to hand contact. Yes, I get it, you have OCD AND a lot of money. Get a good psychiatrist. I mean, I have one and I don’t have half the moolah this guys has in his front right pocket at this moment. But I digress as usual. I’m just trying to make the point that I don’t always go for the obvious — Cold Play? leaves me cold. I feel like I could hear it on any Pottery Barn CD in any well…Pottery Barn. They’re the only ones that sell them right? And the same goes for Dave Matthews. I’ve heard enough jammin’ to last me my entire life.

Okay, so there’s something about this Deal or No Deal thing that has me hooked harder than Britney to that gross skank multi baby daddy she calls hubs.

I think it’s my addictive nature (you’ve all heard of my Pinot problem ad neaseum) that makes me like this show. It’s people that just can’t stop and I just can’t stop watching them. They burn through all the big money but they MUST KEEP GOING. I understand that thinking and I guess although I know it’s wrong I deep down applaud it. Whether they’re just jonesing for more screen time or really think that .01 is under number 12 I DON’T CARE. Keep going. No one ever wins the million so who cares. It makes good addictive tv.

So there. I watch a toddler all day. I deserve some mindless entertainment. And yes fuckers, it’s entertainment.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on May 11, 2006 3:43 amUncategorized5 comments  


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