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NUDES NUDES NUDES

Today, I read a blog that mentioned Ani Defranco and it sent me straight down memory lane. Straight to the sweet time Ani and I found ourselves in a lesbian bar in West Hollywood together, drank about 30 Kalua and Cremes and ended up at her West Hollywood pad up in the hills full of colorful hand made statues and those hanging baskets containing all sorts of succulent summer fruits, cherries, kiwis, grapes all waiting for us to sit out on her patio after our sweet lovemaking session and drink wine, while feeding each other summer delicacies.

Yeah right, I've never been anywhere close to another woman's nether regions although I have made out with a girl I had a slight crush on until it dawned on me that I had no interest in her breasts or god forbid what was happening in her decidedly boyish jeans.

But, I have always had a curiousity about the taboo. Years ago, I'd wondered what went on behind the black and probably bacteria laden curtains that blocked the entrance to so many Gentleman's Clubs I'd driven by but had never been inside.

One day, a long time ago, a friend of mind and I were hanging out with some young men and we mentioned we'd never been to a strip club before. Surprise surprise they were willing and ecstatic to accompany us and even pay (bonus). Although FYI, if you're a girl coming in with men you can easily haggle your own free admission. But this is for experts or Jews.

At first, I was overwhelmed an intimidated by the pure sex emanating from everywhere in this club. A famous one, I might add. It's called crazy girls and it's on the Sunset Strip.


Yeah, like there's a big difference between these places. Anyway, after I got used to the idea of women taking their tops off and being purely sexy I totally got into it. Frankly, I found it stimulating. I liked the fact that the place reeked of desperation but covered by the men pretending they were there to conduct business deals. Um hmmm... I loved the rap music and the pure animalism to the place. In short, it made me horny. And I like women's bodies. I find them sexy although I don't want to tongue kiss them without a lot of liquor in me. I went back a bunch of times. The place was two minutes walking distance from a friend's apartment so sometimes we just showed up late at night and got ourselves in free.

So, now I felt I was ready to kick it up a notch and experience the Totally Nude strip bar. After all, I was becoming a regular in the topless community. I knew that Crystal had a major coke problem that she supplied it by sleeping with two heroine dealers on a regular basis. I would've tried to help but Mother Theresa I ain't.

One night with my same friend, we happened to mention to a couple of guys that we'd never been to a totally nude bar. Without furthur ado we found ourselves at the Star Strip on La Cienega Blvd.

Let me just warn you, totally nude is totally different than a titty bar. These guys are hard core. They don't serve alcohol and the men are just there to look at women's genitalia which I feel they could do in a magazine. The vibe is so creepy I felt my skin crawl. BUT...when the second woman came out to perform, I was struck by the song she was writhing on the narrow strip stage to. So, me being me, I went right up to the D.J. and asked what she was playing. It turned out that Peaches was laying on the ground spreading it to Ani DiFranco's "Worthy" off of "Not a Pretty Girl." I bought it the next day.

In the meantime, we were subjected to one vagina after another because we were seated in front of the stange. The women were putting it out in our face I think hoping our dates would give them more money but my girlfriend and I out of guilt that they were degrading themselves so much kept the dollars coming. Of course when the hoo hoo's got too close we tried to make uncomfortable conversation like "Hey, where'd you get those Lucite heels? they're hot!" And they'd answer "oh Fredricks, oblivious to the fact that we could clearly see they had their clit pierced.

The other problem was the men that go to the all nudie bar. They sit at the side of the stage completely pussy drunk, mouths agape, eyes glazed, it's downright spooky.

We lasted about 20 minutes and got the hell out.

Curiousity killed the cat.

But I leave you with this. It's required reading for my husband cause as Chris Rock says, "It's dad's only job to keep them off the pole."

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on May 26, 2006 3:18 amUncategorized15 comments  

15 Comments

  1. jackt said,

    This is why I love reading blogs. So many stories and lives much much more interesting than mine.

    I thought the expression was curiosity killed the pussy.

    May 26, 2006 @ 4:24 am

  2. stephanie said,

    I did the titty bar thing once. The biggest problem, was that it was in Maine. These women were so ugly! Compound that with the fact that I was piss drunk… I fell asleep! My boyfriend at the time was so mad at me, he woke me up and told me that I was insulting the strippers!

    Hee.

    May 26, 2006 @ 12:52 pm

  3. Irreverent Antisocial Intellectual said,

    My first strip club experience (actually, my only) was at a sleazy joint near a military base. I went with a bunch of guys and my boyfriend at the time. (He got big props for having the “cool girlfriend.”) Anyway, it was such a let down. The girls were nasty and skanky. I kept tipping the one with the c-section scar b/c I felt bad for her. There was on attractive one, if you could get beyond the coke-stare and the lazy eye. Great shoes, no doubt, but I still have nightmares about the one who kept slapping her jiggly ass. Shudder, shudder.

    May 26, 2006 @ 2:43 pm

  4. Carrcakes said,

    I’m with stephanie, every stripper I’ve seen has been nasty. Perhaps with a more attractive bunch, I would have a similar reaction.

    May 26, 2006 @ 3:48 pm

  5. Teacher lady said,

    Fridays, glorious Fridays. I can catch up on all my blog reading and boy am I glad I stopped by today! I have never been to a strip bar, but I have met Kiki the Crack ‘Ho. Honestly, I do wonder if I need to go to a strip bar for “professional reasons.” Chapter 20 being entitled “Sex for Sale” and all. Now, however, thanks to your brilliant description, I think I’m set!

    May 26, 2006 @ 4:08 pm

  6. Lena said,

    I just sent your blog to my Grandma.

    Not.

    I’ve been to total nude clubs in the past and those slimey poles will be FOREVER burned into my mind.

    Also, I saw Chris Rock a couple years ago and that statement reverberated with me. So True.

    By the way, are we sharing a bed at BlogHer? ;)

    May 26, 2006 @ 4:51 pm

  7. scarbie doll said,

    I went to one in Toronto in college. They didn’t keep their bottoms on. You could get lunch there, but I’m no fool. I ain’t eating no pube burger.

    Anyway, I got caught staring. I had never seen such elaborate bikini waxes. In the end, it wasn’t the gross clientelle that turned me off, it was the bored look in the girls’ faces.

    I’d much rather see a burlesque show where the women are totally into it — that’s hot!

    May 26, 2006 @ 5:53 pm

  8. willowfae said,

    I got a lap dance at a strip club once, and I couldn’t get over the feeling that I was being rude if I didn’t talk to the girl. So I’m asking her about her day job, and where she gets her highlights, etc. etc. and my husband is soooo embarrassed. But come on, they are real people! Don’t they deserve to have someone acknowledge that?

    May 27, 2006 @ 3:56 am

  9. Heather said,

    I went to a strip club with my husband once and he bought me two lap dances. I thought it was pretty hot. No, I’ve never been with a girl. Yes, I’m curious.

    May 27, 2006 @ 3:07 pm

  10. AngiR said,

    I’ve been to strip clubs. It was very interesting, with an air of desperation. The girls where not, how would you say,new.

    May 27, 2006 @ 3:08 pm

  11. Anonymous said,

    I was enjoying this until I saw the part about “Jew,” which was in very poor taste. I know it’s your blog, but that’s upsetting and offensive.

    May 28, 2006 @ 12:42 am

  12. Stefanie said,

    Sorry for the person who got pissed about the Jew comment. I’m Jewish so I like having a little fun with my own peeps. Jews normally have an above average sense of humor I’ve found. But I guess there are exceptions.

    May 28, 2006 @ 3:41 am

  13. Anonymous said,

    sorry, I didn’t realize you were Jewish–that does make a difference….I was going to come back here, anyway. I just felt like, as a Jewish person, I should point out to you (thinking you were nonjewish) that such stereotyping isn’t cool.
    No hard feelings at all.

    May 28, 2006 @ 4:54 pm

  14. Haley-O said,

    I’m Jewish and cool with the joke–so long as ur Jewish! ;)

    I’ve been to male strip clubs–when I was, like, 18…with fake ID and the works. I just remember some big (I mean big!) guy doing hip circles in my face….and dancing on the stage with everyone in between dancers. I’ve always been curious about female strip clubs–curious from a whole lot of perspectives: what would it be like to be naked and dancing in front of so many people (let alone men!); and curious about the moves! I’m lucky, my hubby thinks (or at least says…) strip bars are gross (and I believe him).

    May 28, 2006 @ 11:23 pm

  15. lildb said,

    damn. that’s some good shit.

    and, btw, one of my favorite things to ever hear fall out of CR’s mouth.

    genius.

    p.s. this ain’t your mommy’s blog, is it. you’re gonna have to fend me off with a pitchfork after this, I’ll be back so often.

    :p

    June 6, 2006 @ 4:47 pm

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