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My Gym

When I say “My Gym” I’m not referring to the gym to which I belong. No, I’m referring of course to the “gym” that my baby belongs to. And may I add that her membership dues are about 100 times what I pay and I have to supervise her the entire time. Yes, I happily fork out 165 dollars ever 10 weeks so my baby can have a soft baby proof playroom with shit to climb on and bounce on for 45 min. once a week. Am I crazy? Probably. But my baby lives for this the way I live for Grey’s Anatomy (which is an hour thank god).

The biggest problem for me is that they have this thing at the beginning called Circle Time.This is where all the babies sit in a circle and are asked their names (no one ever asks for the mom’s name because apparently we are just the pod that spawned and our work here is done. We’ve ceased to have any identity worthy of a teenage employee in shorts and polo shirt with way too much energy knowing our name. No thanks. The baby’s name will suffice. Sometimes when I have the will to live, I will say “This is Elby and I’m Stefanie” but other times I’m just too beaten down by motherhood and must pick my battles. So, during Circle Time, we sing the Hi Hi How Ya Do song and then there’s little baby exercises I guess so our babies don’t get cellulite (mine already has it and it’s ADORABLE)it almost makes me wish I had cellulite…wait a minute…I DO! YAY! Besides exercise and a song we also do a little dance and learn a new skill. The problem with this besides the dork factor is that Elby hates circle time with a vengence. And she’s the only kid who hates it. She’ll kick and scream if you try to make her conform so I just let her run around and get a jump on the playtime. But you should see how some of the employees act. They run after her like she’s a chimp that’s escaped from the habitat and is about to start scratching, biting and taking an ear off. Luckily they stop short of shooting her with a tranquilizer gun. Although, there are times I wish I had one…but I digress.

I watch E like a hawk during circle time while she does her own thang. But it still seems to annoy everyone. I just don’t care anymore. I pay big buck to go there and I’m going dammit and E’s not sitting through circle time if she doesn’t feel like it.

So, earlier this week I’m at MG and there’s a woman sitting next to me who looks super familiar. You know how it is when you’re a new mom. You meet people in the park, grocery store, ER etc. I could’ve known her from anywhere so I said “what’s your name, you look familiar” and she replied “Gail” with the most distain in her voice she could muster. I was a bit taken a back because even my unfriendly attitude was no match for this bitch. Then I realized. I live in L.A. She’s probably an actress. So I wracked my brain for actresses named Gail and quickly enough I realized it was none other than Gail O’ Grady. YES, some might know her from NYPD Blue but I know her from “Another Woman’s Husband” one of my all time favorite Lifetime movies that I’ve seen so many times even my husband reconizes it.Well, Ms. O’Grady – I’m DONE WITH YOUR LIFETIME MOVIE. Let that be a lesson to you and every bitchy actress mom. You’re still a mom. Just like me but with more money. And your ass is still big so there.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on May 12, 2006 1:01 pmUncategorized15 comments  

15 Comments

  1. surcie said,

    Anything that gets you out of the house PLUS entertains the kid is worth paying for.

    Oh, Stefanie. You’re the bestest. Man, I think I’d be afraid to ask anyone their name in LA.

    She’s a C-lister as actresses go, isn’t she? I think I’ve seen her on “2 and 1/2 Men”, but I don’t think she’s done much TV since American Dreams. If she’d have been friendly, she might’ve discovered that she was in the presence of an author/hilarious mother extraorinaire.

    I take it you didn’t whip a copy of your book out of the diaper bag and offer to sign it for her?

    | May 12, 2006 @ 5:59 pm

  2. Susan said,

    I feel your pain. My child (now 2) hated circle time so much at my gym (and every other organized spot)thatI am a my gym drop out. Also a gymborree drop out, a music together drop out..you get the picture!

    | May 12, 2006 @ 6:30 pm

  3. Neil said,

    Circle Time — sitting in a circle and telling everyone your name. Did someone get this idea from an AA meeting?

    | May 12, 2006 @ 7:19 pm

  4. Antique Mommy said,

    I did the “little gym” thing for my kid too, but his favorite activity was licking the water fountain and the sticking his head in the toilet or trying to leave. That money was put to better use, like shoes for me.

    | May 12, 2006 @ 8:30 pm

  5. Jess Riley said,

    Excellent post, Stef. Circle time…they do “circle conferences” at the schools in my city, only as part of something called “restorative justice.” So it’s a feel-good punishment.

    Oh, and you are so much cooler than Gail O’Grady.

    | May 13, 2006 @ 3:12 pm

  6. Lena said,

    Gail O’Grady! AhHAHAHAHA! I love it!

    You should have said “Oh! I know where I know you from! Don’t you work at Starbucks?!”

    | May 14, 2006 @ 6:57 pm

  7. Mom101 said,

    Oh how I hate when b (c, d) listers get all snotty with you. The SigOth used to work at a very trendy Soho hotspot and of all the visits from Bono, from Jack Nicholson, from Madonna and Leo and you name them…the most horrible of them all was Lauren Hutton. Lauren? Your fifteen minutes are ovah. And fix the teeth already, will you. Thanks.

    | May 14, 2006 @ 7:09 pm

  8. kim said,

    I did circle time solo with my oldest too. You really feel like a dork singing those songs without a child.

    | May 14, 2006 @ 10:54 pm

  9. Irreverent Antisocial Intellectual said,

    I throw a shitload of a money to Baby Gymnastics (only game in town) so an overly perky woman named Tina (who basically is reliving her high school cheerleading years) can put a SuperStar stamp on my kid’s arm at the end of the session. My kid still ignores the other snot-nosed little demons (you would, too) and Teeee-na gives us the hairy stink-eye for the non-interaction factor. Screw her, we just want our friggin’ star.
    Great blog, I found you from the Blog Makeover Diva.

    | May 14, 2006 @ 11:16 pm

  10. MrsFortune said,

    Hey, circle time sounds a little touchy-feely for my tastes, too. Definitely let your daughter keep boycotting. Fight the man!

    | May 15, 2006 @ 2:22 pm

  11. Carrcakes said,

    I second the suggestion of whipping out a copy of your book and shoving it in her face. For writing is a far superior talent to pretending (acting).

    I love that her ass was big and you wrote about it.

    | May 15, 2006 @ 6:16 pm

  12. Domestic Chicky said,

    Ha! My son hated circle time too-luckily ours came at the end of class, so we would just sneak out.
    This is my first time here, but I SO am sticking around to read more-and I already have your book! How could I resist the title!

    | May 15, 2006 @ 6:38 pm

  13. Misfit Hausfrau said,

    My daughter and I go to a similar weekly function, only it’s called, “Miss Sue’s Class.” It’s an hour of art, singing, dancing and homemade play dough. It also has circle time, where they have to sit “criss cross applesauce.” The mothers are referred to as “So and So’s Mommy.” My first name is strange and difficult, so it is much better this way.

    I guess the only thing we have lacking is the attendance of a bitchy Lifetime Movie actress.

    | May 16, 2006 @ 1:17 am

  14. Fidget said,

    Even though you recognized her you should have asked if she was in “that new commecial about menopause or maybe that wrinkle cream one” then when she glares at you, you hollar – “Oh how silly of me, it was the Tucks commecial”

    | May 16, 2006 @ 2:44 am

  15. stella said,

    i did something similar once. I was working a part time job for a catering company. we were setting up for a christmas party in some wherehouse district of town (atlanta). the ‘host’ and person in charge…looked SO FAMILIAR. I swore we had met before. And I like you, asked what his name was…telling him he looked very familiar to me.

    He was so sarcastic and rude to me…and when he told me his name was ALTON (this alton, http://www.altonbrown.com/ ) I was like ohhhhhhhhhh right. The Alton I see on TV! Asshole.

    | May 18, 2006 @ 2:06 pm

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