I was looking through some old photos today because I just have so much downtime now that I have a baby. Just time to hang out and do nothing right? Well, except plan every second of Elby’s day, do eighteen loads of laundry, clean the bathrooms (seriously they’re gross)the list is endless. I don’t have to tell any of you that.
And I know I’m not reinventing the wheel as a mother but GODDAMN why don’t people warn us how hard it’s going to be. Just look at my face up there looking at her “Your Baby’s Coming- Try Formula” pamphlet I received after my hospital tour. That is a face of big hopes, my expression says “hey, fun times a’ comin’! I’m going to be a mom! How amazing!” I had no idea of the mack truck of responsibility. The loss of identity, freedom, ability to do whatever the hell you want all day long. That I, of all people, would attend a Pampered Chef neighborhood party just to get out of the house.
And yes, the rewards are huge in their own way, but, if you’re like me, and I realize many people are not, the rewards for me are not of the day to day hanging out with a toddler. They rewards are having the opportunity to reevaluate what’s important, appreciate the small things, like that Elby can say “Hoo Hoo” when asked what an owl says. This is a reward but the real one for me will come later. That will be when I can she that my daughter knows how much I love her. How tangible it is. How safe she is with me. Because I didn’t have that and I can’t wait to be that for someone. A rock. I know I won’t be perfect.
But now is the really hard part. And if you ARE like me, do you ever just feel sooooo bored? I just want to put on make-up and a pair of fuck-off boots and even just go to lunch. Because it’s so hard to be the sweats and ponytail mom and feel invisible to everyone except other moms who get it.
I still remember flirting, trips to Vegas, hot sex, being barely ambulatory at the end of a great night out.
I still drink and have sex but now it’s during commercial breaks of Deal or No Deal.
Is that the DEAL?