I think we all need to give kudos to Sienna Miller for sticking with her man. She’s a strong woman that Sienna. I mean, if my husband fucked the nanny it would be really tough to trust him ever again. I mean, it’s not like he worked with her in a film and they just couldn’t help their chemistry, he just saw a young easy nanny. So, good for Sienna to see beyond his blatantly cheating ways and seeing the real man (movie star) within. Somehow she must just “know” that this will never happen again. Well, obviously, because he says so. What more do you have to go on when you’re spiritually connected. Even though they have no children, I think it’s a real safe bet to go ahead and build a family on the foundation of a Jude and his money and wandering penis. Go for it Sienna! You’ve found your guy! Good luck with that. I’m SURE he’ll never cheat again. I mean, look at you. You’re a beautiful woman and if you keep it up, there’s not way he’d cheat. Again.
Archive for May, 2006
I want to blog tonight. Really I do. But I had the same kind of day I often have. I woke up with the baby and sat her in front of Dora for awhile so I could drink my coffee and set about feeling guilty that I couldn’t think of good shit to do with her. She’s 18 months. She must be bored. Shit, I am. I briefly thought about taking her to the mall cause it’s so damn hot out that the park even at 9 a.m she is bound to end up in sunburn even with 100 spf all over her. Unfortunately she doesn’t tolerate the mall well and you know what, neither do I. Before I had a baby I had limited tolerance for malls. I have to know what I want and go procure it and get the hell home. Otherwise I’d risk the overstimulated feeling where I want to hurt someone. Usually someone who works at a cosmetics counter. There’s just something about them…snotty attitudes for people most probably making 7 dollars an hour. Although, I make nothing so how can I judge?
So what to do with my kid today? We wasted the entire morning inside building towers with Leggos, watching more Dora (guilt yes, brief free time also yes), a little trip out to the backyard to explore. We’ve only lived in this house for two years. Little did I know that an old gross mini trampoline was living in a corner of the yard. Hey, just like My Gym but with loads more bacteria! So there was five minutes of fun right there! And now it’s 9:00 a.m. Jesus. Guilt or no guilt we stayed home all morning and I mistakenly thought she’s still take a nap. Not so much. She said “You didn’t do jack shit with me this morning and now you expect me to sleep? Did you take your meds yesterday or what?” Well, she would have said that if she wasn’t BEHIND in her language for an 18-month-old. Yes, that’s what we found out at her check up but not to worry until she’s two. Of course now I’m crazy with trying to get her to say more words than Doggy and Baby which she says hundreds of times a day.
So, as you guessed it, the nap was short lived. She wasn’t that tired. I broke down and took her for a boring playdate. The woman I was visiting talked to her neighbor for an hour about preschool, elementary school even high school. HEY YOUR KID IS A YEAR AND A HALF! I know it’s competitive out there but this doesn’t constitute useful brain activity for me. So finally it’s home, dinner, bath, 40 stories. Actually more like the same story 40 times and then off to bed. Good times.
Thank god for bedtime and wine and blogging.
Today, I read a blog that mentioned Ani Defranco and it sent me straight down memory lane. Straight to the sweet time Ani and I found ourselves in a lesbian bar in West Hollywood together, drank about 30 Kalua and Cremes and ended up at her West Hollywood pad up in the hills full of colorful hand made statues and those hanging baskets containing all sorts of succulent summer fruits, cherries, kiwis, grapes all waiting for us to sit out on her patio after our sweet lovemaking session and drink wine, while feeding each other summer delicacies.
Yeah right, I’ve never been anywhere close to another woman’s nether regions although I have made out with a girl I had a slight crush on until it dawned on me that I had no interest in her breasts or god forbid what was happening in her decidedly boyish jeans.
But, I have always had a curiousity about the taboo. Years ago, I’d wondered what went on behind the black and probably bacteria laden curtains that blocked the entrance to so many Gentleman’s Clubs I’d driven by but had never been inside.
One day, a long time ago, a friend of mind and I were hanging out with some young men and we mentioned we’d never been to a strip club before. Surprise surprise they were willing and ecstatic to accompany us and even pay (bonus). Although FYI, if you’re a girl coming in with men you can easily haggle your own free admission. But this is for experts or Jews.
Yeah, like there’s a big difference between these places. Anyway, after I got used to the idea of women taking their tops off and being purely sexy I totally got into it. Frankly, I found it stimulating. I liked the fact that the place reeked of desperation but covered by the men pretending they were there to conduct business deals. Um hmmm… I loved the rap music and the pure animalism to the place. In short, it made me horny. And I like women’s bodies. I find them sexy although I don’t want to tongue kiss them without a lot of liquor in me. I went back a bunch of times. The place was two minutes walking distance from a friend’s apartment so sometimes we just showed up late at night and got ourselves in free.
So, now I felt I was ready to kick it up a notch and experience the Totally Nude strip bar. After all, I was becoming a regular in the topless community. I knew that Crystal had a major coke problem that she supplied it by sleeping with two heroine dealers on a regular basis. I would’ve tried to help but Mother Theresa I ain’t.
One night with my same friend, we happened to mention to a couple of guys that we’d never been to a totally nude bar. Without furthur ado we found ourselves at the Star Strip on La Cienega Blvd.
Let me just warn you, totally nude is totally different than a titty bar. These guys are hard core. They don’t serve alcohol and the men are just there to look at women’s genitalia which I feel they could do in a magazine. The vibe is so creepy I felt my skin crawl. BUT…when the second woman came out to perform, I was struck by the song she was writhing on the narrow strip stage to. So, me being me, I went right up to the D.J. and asked what she was playing. It turned out that Peaches was laying on the ground spreading it to Ani DiFranco’s “Worthy” off of “Not a Pretty Girl.” I bought it the next day.
In the meantime, we were subjected to one vagina after another because we were seated in front of the stange. The women were putting it out in our face I think hoping our dates would give them more money but my girlfriend and I out of guilt that they were degrading themselves so much kept the dollars coming. Of course when the hoo hoo’s got too close we tried to make uncomfortable conversation like “Hey, where’d you get those Lucite heels? they’re hot!” And they’d answer “oh Fredricks, oblivious to the fact that we could clearly see they had their clit pierced.
The other problem was the men that go to the all nudie bar. They sit at the side of the stage completely pussy drunk, mouths agape, eyes glazed, it’s downright spooky.
We lasted about 20 minutes and got the hell out.
Curiousity killed the cat.
But I leave you with this. It’s required reading for my husband cause as Chris Rock says, “It’s dad’s only job to keep them off the pole.”
Okay, since I’ve been tagged and I never do these, here goes nothin’. But I’m not going to try to impress with my choices okay? I’m going to keep it on the real.
The Three _____s on a Desert Island Meme
If you were stranded on a desert island (without Ginger and the Professor and all those folks to keep you amused), which three _____s would you bring?
Books: Dry – Augustyn Burroughs. I have read this book over and over and don’t get tired of it. The Lazlo Letters – Don Novello – this maybe the funniest book I’ve ever read. The man is a genius and I’m totally obsessed with it. If you ever read Letters From a Nut just know that it was completely stolen from this book and I hate him for it. Lastly, Good Times Bad Times by James Kirkwood – it’s just my alltime favorite book so I’d like to have it with me.
Albums: Jonatha Brooke – Live (I could listen to the song “Because I Told You So” on repeat for days), (quick interruption: why does the gardner always come and make a shitload of noise during my kid’s naptime? It’s like he’s psychic), Kathleen Wilhoit – Pitch Like a Girl (great album that I play over and over)Deb Talan – Something’s Burning – she’s in a group with her husband called the Weepies now that is amazing. Her song “You Turned Me Into Somebody Loved” I played at my wedding.
People: This one is kind of dumb so let’s change it up. Here are three people I definitely would NOT bring: Carrot Top – How annoying would it be to have him there. Everyday you wake up and Carrot Top is still on the island.
George Bush – who could look at that sneer everyday? My mother – would I really want someone saying “you’re getting a little too thin, Stefanie, try eating more leaves and coconuts.”
Okay, I’m tagging Lena, StefanieR, and Stephanie.
When I knew I was going to have a baby, I remember wondering to myself, “self, are you going to figure out what the babies are into these days or are you going to just buy stuff that you liked as a kid?” I thought about it and decided that I would definitely be open to new stuff that babies find appealing and I tried. I bought the Baby Einsteins and okay…maybe that’s it except for Dora, which I know a lot of people hate so shut up already, I need my downtime.
Anyway, being a creature of habit and a whore for nostalgia, I already make her listen to Free To Be You and Me.
This album (okay, also now owned in CD) is the best of all time. Maybe because I listened to it so much that I can recite Carol Channing’s “Housework” with the best of the Channing impersonators. Vegas, look-out. Seriously, can you listen to William Wants a Doll and not tear up just a little, teensy bit? Well that’s okay cause like Rosey Grier sings, “It’s All Right To Cry.” I also, play the soundtrack to Really Rosie like 10 times a day, and only own the Classic Sesame Street CD with all the songs I love. And every night we read mom’s favorite books: Sylvester and the Magic Pebble, Loveable Lyle, anything by Richard Scarry, Where the Wild Things Are, Eloise (although we’re starting her with this flappy version that she is addicted to already).
I’m not sure if it’s that I’m not open to new things or if it’s just that I needed an excuse to hear some things I was mad mad mad for in the past. I mean, if I’m in a sushi restaurant I’m all for trying something new – provided it doesn’t have eyes. And I will go to a movie that I’m not crazy to see with a little cojoling and possibly love it. When it comes to clothes I do tend to pick the same stuff over and over and the same goes for shoes. My fleet. All black and chunky.
When I was in high school and, if I’m being honest, now, I’d find a song I like and literally become addicted to it. I’d have to hear it every moment of everyday. I can vividly remember the feeling of my heart hurting when I had to go to school and lose 8 listening hours from Hall and Oates “Kiss on My List.” Pretty pathetic.
Let’s hope I don’t pass this on to my daughter. Fuck, I’m already doing it.