Today I was having a deep conversation with a friend of mine who’s been with me since my days as a bad, (okay let’s be real: atrocious) waitress. Back then I wished for, longed for with all my heart, a soulmate as corny as that sounds. A soulmate and everything that comes with that. You know, once you meet your soulmate, you have, probably a baby and a house and a life…of course, that’s unrealistic and we all know that now. But it’s about what’s on the other side no matter what we’re doing – no matter how far we’ve come. Why is it so hard to see how much we’ve accomplished and not how far we have to go or to focus on what’s missing?
I’m reminded of the string of men I dated that I clung to like they’d be the one until they did something that irritated me like said the word “yummy” not referring to food or another one who didn’t think Annie Hall is genius. Important stuff. Or else they were perfect but I was “too much.” Too needy, too intense, too demanding. Whatever.
One day, I met the man I was supposed to be with and here we are with a baby, house, great marriage and I have a book published. But what do I do? Do I enjoy everyday and say, “hey, stef, did you ever think you’d have it so good when you could barely make ends meet? When you slept with that guy you thought was IT and he never called you again? Did you ever think you’d have a book published and it would be doing well? Did you ever think you’d have your soulmate (disclaimer – my husband thinks the term soulmate was created as a marketing ploy for people that read Cathy cartoons – but that’s one of the many reasons I love him more than I can put into words) an a child you love more than anything?”
But I’m anxious anyway. How do you explain that? How do you explain that I worry that if my book doesn’t do well enough I’ll have to go back to work full-time and leave my little girl at home with a nanny or at daycare. Not that there’s anything wrong with it and I may do it but…
Why can’t I look at everything I have and be so ecstatic I’m jumping up and down? I’m healthy, my family is healthy blah blah blah. Is everyone like that or just us chronic worriers? Are there people besides born again Christians that are just blissful and thankful everyday?
So just to fight those negative thoughts, here’s my gratitude list for today. And don’t start thinking I”m new agey or a 12 stepper. Y’all know I like my wine.
1. My husband – the most patient, cool, funny, genius, generous to a fault, loyal, compassionate person I know.
2. My daughter. Nuff said.
3. Grey’s Anatomy – why do I love that show so much?
4. Flavored coffee (not sweetened and there’s a big difference)
5. American Idol (soon I’ll hate this show but not quite yet)
6. When I’m at the park with my daughter and my mind is quiet.
7. The song “Wedding Day” by Rosie Thomas.
8. My brother and S-I-L. Seriously, they are the fucking coolest.
9. Lena’s blog. It really makes me laugh.
10. Cookies from Whole Foods that have no sugar cause I can’t have sugar cause I’m an addict. There will never be enough sugar in the world to satiate me.
11. Bad new country songs by people like Keith Urban or Rascall Flats. You’d never think I was that nerdy, I know.
23. Having my brother come over for American Idol.
27. My husband.
28. My friends.
30. When people tell me that they love my book. Of course. Duh.
35. My deep belief in Kabbalah and how it keeps me grounded. Okay, I’m fucking with you on that one.