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Archive for April, 2006

DOO DOO DOO DO DORA!

God, I think I want to marry Dora the Explorer. I know I’m way behind the curve on these things but I’ve been trying to force Baby Einstein down my baby’s throat long since she’s lost interest. I’m like “But El, what about Baby Neptune? You used to love baby Neptune!” And she just looks at me with those saucer eyes that say “Mom, you are so two months ago. Baby Neptune is for babies not Toddlers. Did you get my text message? I’m a Toddler now! Jesus, mom, I really thought you were smarter than that.” Turns out I’m not. I just would pop in “Baby Noah” and hope for the best.

Then my husband came home with the holy grail — Dora the Explorer. It’s educational and it features a monkey which I love. Monkies are always funny. Except when they’re biting people to death at wild animal reserves and ripping their lips and tongues and genitals off…but that old news story was pre-Zoloft and I try not to think about it as much anymore.

Now, the only problem I have with Dora’s friend the monkey whose name is Boots is that Boots’ best friend is a pair of boots. That just doesn’t seem right to me. Your best friend is an inanimate object? I mean yes, my best friend is Pinot Grigio but I think that’s very different. GOD I LOVE DORA. Did I mention she also has cool hair? But I tried to get mine cut like that once a few years ago and due to the somewhat hidden thickness of my hair, it didn’t hang like a smooth bob. It sat on my head like a top hat only less dignified. I actually had to let Fantastic Sam’s fix it. When Fantastic Sam’s is fixing your hair you know there were a lot of tears involved.

Luckily I was married or I don’t think I would have had sex for a good six months.

Anyway, props to Dora! Go on with your bad Spanish/English speaking self!

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on April 16, 2006 12:28 amUncategorized9 comments  

eminem cuttin’ the ladies loose

Can anyone believe that Eminem, or Marshall Mathers or Slim Shady or Mr. Shady if you’re nasty (is that even funny anymore or are younger readers like WHAT?) cut his wife loose of a mere three months. The wife and mother of his child that he wrote songs about wanting to decapitate her. I mean, who wouldn’t want to get back with your ex-husband baby daddy when he’s writing you poetic stream of consciousness rap/romance like that? She’s not made of granite, right? But, at the same time you have to know that it didn’t work the first time and you have a child so maybe…possibly not the best idea to retie the knot. On the other hand, he does have money. BUT HE’S CRAZY and not just because he didn’t get the Triumph the Insult Dog comic at the MTV awards a few years ago. I mean, really, are you going to start a fight with a puppet? Did you use a little too much bleach in your hair and the chemicals leaked in?

But okay, he’s a little serious. Maybe Kim likes that in a man. Maybe she likes his deep thinking, possible serial killer, always downcast paranoid outlook on life. Maybe she’s put in all her stats in the EHarmony website and it always comes out the big EM. But if that’s the case, why the three months? WHY THE THREE MONTHS? Three months is nothing. Three months is less than a season of Surreal Life. Couldn’t you make it through a season of Surreal Life and stay together?

I know I’ll never figure it out but I always wonder what makes people tick. What makes people tough out the more challenging times and what makes people break. Obviously mental illness plays a part (Em) but in typical marriages. Of course there’s cheating, fighting, money blah blah blah but other than big things, I want to know what makes someone break and decide they just can’t do it. Especially when it’s people you would never expect.

I love my husband more than anything. Yes I love my baby so I don’t need the Ayalet Waldman bashers getting all over my shit, but is it because my husband is so steady that it’s not dramatic? Is it that he just “gets me?” Is it that we can talk about anything that’s bothering either of us but as often as we can we let shit go? Is it that he is willing to put up with depression or anxiety or bad moods for long periods of time (yes he expects me to address it but would never leave over it) – that makes me hope we’ll be one of the 50% that make it work?

What do you think?

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on April 14, 2006 4:10 amUncategorized10 comments  

I Should Be Sleeping

I used to be night owl. I know that term is cliche but I don’t have a thesaurus on hand people so give me a freakin’ break already. I went to bed at 8 (earliest ever) but now I’m wide awake and can’t think of a good drug combo to go back to sleep.

Tomorrow I am doing a book signing/discussion of Sippy Cups at Border’s Books in Hollywood on Vine at 3. I think, in my heart of hearts I’m worried that no one will show up and it’ll be me alone except for a box of books staring at me sadly from under my autograph table. Okay, time for some Stewart Smally affirmations: I’m good enough, I’m smart enough and doggone it, people like me even if they’re too “busy” to show up and be supportive of me because they have better things to do with their damn more important lives. Assholes.

Wow, it’s amazing how a simple affirmation can make you feel so much better. I guess it pays to do all the spiritual work that I do on a daily basis! Like spending time at Coffee Bean just “being” with the coffee and coissants. Or picking fights with my husband just “because he’s there.” Yeah, it’s kind of a natural gift but if you want some tips please feel free to email me.

I’ll leave you with this. You could spend money on expensive special relaxation candles from Overpriced Pampering Products -nothing under 200 bucks — Or you could go to the 99 cent store and buy a Jesus candle for, you guessed it, 99 cents. Sure they smell a little like canned corn but do you want to be spiritual and centered or bankrupt? It’s up to you.

wish me luck.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on April 8, 2006 7:33 amUncategorized15 comments  

13 Things I’m Embarrassed About

Here’s my 13 but I don’t know how to let people link to their 13. I’ll figure it out between this Thursday and next Thursday so I can be more part of the gang!

13. I never went to college.
12. I’m addicted to sugar (but I’ve been off it since a month after I had the baby)
11. I don’t like Radiohead.
10. I need a bikini wax every 3 weeks but rarely get them.
9. I still enjoy an apple martini now and again.
8. I’ve teared up to a Celine Dion song.
7. My second toe is a lot longer than my big toe.
6. I once dated a married man.
5. I have fat knees.
4. I often listen to country music – new country music.
3. I sometimes start the countdown to bedtime with my baby first thing in the morning.
2. I’ve voted on American Idol.
1. I’ve never met a Lifetime movie I didn’t like.

Links to other Thursday Thirteens!
1. (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on April 6, 2006 9:32 pmUncategorized11 comments  

The Joy of Swearing

Sooooo, first off, the Today Show will air my interview next Monday the 10th. I don’t know what time because they decide that the night before. But, hey, at least it’s going to be on! YEAH, IT’S ON BITCH! Hey, if you’ve read my book and liked it could you review it on Amazon? I’ll send you a dollar.

On to more important things. My husband bought the kid a toy…hang on…that’s not the exciting part. It’s this purple centipede thingy where all the feet have different letters on them and if you press down they make the sound of the letter. So, if you push different letters in a row, it will make words like d-o-g DOG! YAY. Here’s the thing – my husband and I are like 12 years old so of course, we immediately try to get the toy to say fuck. You can get the f and the u but when you get to the c the toy says “hey, that tickles.” Seriously. I didn’t believe it at first, I thought we just hit a wrong button but, no, this thing censors. You can’t say shit, ass, fuck and a few others but, surprisingly you can say cunt. Which is weird. But funny. To me. And my husband. This is a toy for babies so I don’t see why a baby who can’t even say juice yet would be trying to get the toy to say asshole. Which leaves me to figure the adults are the ones who “aren’t allowed.” I’m going to protest this! Who’s with me?

FREEDOM!!

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on April 3, 2006 6:41 pmUncategorized17 comments  


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