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Can I be honest with you? Good. I have a very compulsive side. An obsessive/compulsive side to be exact. I don’t know the extent to which this affects my life because I’ve always been this way so I’m used to it. But I do notice from time to time that I’m a bit different from people that can say…work in an office full time or people who don’t get migraines or people who don’t want to murder people they see in their car on a cellphone when they themselves are…on a cellphone. Is cellphone one word now? I’m going with that spelling and don’t try to talk me out of it. Okay, so finally, I went to shrink (this was a while ago) and said I was feeling “anxious.” Turns out, this is how I’ve been feeling most of my life for various reasons not all of them I feel comfortable sharing here. But, in the spirit of honesty, let’s just say that my childhood was a bit chaotic.

I know I could choose to look on the bright side, that being I’m a more creative person because of it, but I could also be bitter that I now have to be medicated (and I’m not just talking about wine) on a daily basis. Well, that certainly isn’t sooo different. I mean, SSRI’s are one of the most commonly prescribed meds in the US where we feel entitled to feel good. Calm. Serene. I, of course, refuse to do yoga or meditate or do anything that might be boring so I’m taking the Zoloft and seeing if I do calm down with the anxious thinking.

A lot of it comes with the territory of being a mother. I do realize that. Everyday there are hurdles that you don’t see coming. Hurdles that can trip you like a clothes line. Hurdles like the ER visits I describe in earlier blogs or even small hurdles like a rainy day at home with a baby 12 hours straight or a house that never seems to get clean. (hang on…refill)…I’e been trying to find alternatives to some of the regular things I do with my child. Like, the other day I took her to an indoor playground type thing. You know the type of place. It was called Under the Sea and to highlight this there were full wall murals of mermaids and octopus etc. Side note: can you believe a James Bond movie got away with calling itself “Octopussy?” WTF? Anyway…we went to said playground and my daughter had a great time. She ran around to all the different plastic cars and turned their steering wheels and beeped their horns, she peed up her diaper something furious and, naturally, I hadn’t brought an extra cause I didn’t know we were ending up there. But I was bored. Wishing for a friend. Even the woman at the desk would’ve passed for conversation with me but she was on the phone the whole time.

This is when I had one of those moments. Those moments that hit you hard that maybe, just maybe you weren’t meant for this. Not this much all day focus on the baby intesely worried about her needs for play and stimulation and what she wants to eat, drink, watch etc. But then I think, maybe that’s my fault. Maybe it’s personality driven. Maybe I do this to myself. Do other women feel this way? Maybe I shouldn’t worry so much about what she wants to do and just know that some days will be more fun for her and some days the most we will do is drive to Trader Joes.

This is my obsession. I go back and forth on it every day. One day it will all seem so long ago as I get more and more used to the routine. But for now, I’m the mom who shows up at an indoor playground with no diapers and no antibacterial hand wash to speak of. Here’s hoping she’s not coming down with some demon virus as I type. And now I must go watch The Shield. Cause that’s some cheery television.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on March 4, 2006 5:07 amUncategorized9 comments  

9 Comments

  1. Denial said,

    I love this post and your honesty!

    My 1st son, who was conceived with an IUI, is only 4 months old, so I can’t say if I’ll have the same thoughts as you. I can say that I cried the first couple weeks and even threw something at a bedroom wall when Rocco wouldn’t stop crying and my husband just stayed in bed. I thought I would be much more prepared since I’ve wanted kids for soooo long and helped raise my nieces and nephews. Crazy how life slaps you in the face to wake you up sometimes.

    Thanks for posting…You did do it just for me, right. ;o)

    | March 4, 2006 @ 6:59 am

  2. Jennifer said,

    Girl, I can relate to you totally. My daughter just turned 20 months old and I have many days like you described. It has gotten a little easier with time, but most of the time I feel completely out of my element. Right now I am trying to decide if I want to throw another child into the mix. I would wait a couple of years except I am approaching 40 and probably don’t have the luxury of waiting. However, if I have a hard time handling one, how the heck can I handle two???

    | March 4, 2006 @ 1:31 pm

  3. IzzyMom said,

    Oh Stef…how I wish we were neighbors. You’re really not alone. I feel all of those things from time to time, sometimes a lot, sometimes a little. Mostly, I just feel dissatisfied with my life. It’s not because of the kids but more because I feel like my life is so one-dimensional and because I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. That’s when I get in trouble… I’ve sold homes and moved great distances because of that feeling. Nothing ever really makes it go away but if I stay busy enough, sometimes I can forget for a while. As for Zoloft, well, you know I’ve already been there and got the t-shirt ;-P

    | March 6, 2006 @ 3:13 am

  4. chris said,

    Oh, I absolutely feel that way.

    | March 8, 2006 @ 4:03 pm

  5. Teacher lady said,

    I am happy to be your virtual friend, even though I don’t have children. I read something once that made me feel better about my decision to not have kids: No matter what choice a woman makes – to procreate or not – she will have days where she questions her decision and even wonders if she made a mistake. BTW – SSRIs are the best thing that ever happened to me and the only reason I’m not unemployed and homeless.

    | March 11, 2006 @ 6:53 pm

  6. Anonymous said,

    Me too…

    | March 14, 2006 @ 3:26 pm

  7. kim said,

    I wish I had gotten a clue as quickly as you have. It took me ten years and 3 kids to finally get over it. A friend of mine said when she sees all the new moms with their disinfectant, and grocery cart covers, and they look at her and her three girls with traces of lunch still evident on their faces and clothes, and they sniff with superiority she thinks “Yeah, go ahead and feel superior now honey, ’cause I used to be you.”
    So I think it’s good that you’ve cut to the chase.

    | March 26, 2006 @ 1:33 pm

  8. adventures in disaster said,

    When my daughter was a baby, a toddler and a preschooler I felt the same way.
    I realized later it was boredom. Plain old boredom.
    Sitting on the floor playing pretend barbies with a non verbal kid, playing cars, whatever it is for me was incredibly soul suckingly boring.
    I love my kid but I wasn’t a kid and doing what she liked while trapped all alone for hours and hours was boring and lonely.
    She is a teenager now and for the most part not boring anymore.
    Don’t expect that sitting alone with a nonverbal kid who has no understanding of others feelings is ever going to be all that fulfilling.
    Just doing the job, keeping them clean,well fed, safe and happy is the fulfilling part.
    They grow up really damn fast, that is no cliche so don’t worry about it.
    They start going to school full time and you get a huge part of your everyday life back sooner than you expect. Keep in touch with your friends no matter what, you will be hanging out with them again.

    Think of the whole experience as fodder for writing. When you are sitting alone at the park watching your kid play with others write down what you are thinking…I bet it’s a page of oh god I am so damn bored.

    | April 15, 2006 @ 6:17 am

  9. Scott Arthur Edwards said,

    Hey, you have a great blog here! You really are very talented and deserve an honest compliment, congradulations! I’m definitely going to bookmark you!

    I have a mlm site/blog. It successfully covers mlm related stuff.

    Come and check it out if you get time, Scott.

    | April 18, 2006 @ 10:20 am

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