Can I be honest with you? Good. I have a very compulsive side. An obsessive/compulsive side to be exact. I don’t know the extent to which this affects my life because I’ve always been this way so I’m used to it. But I do notice from time to time that I’m a bit different from people that can say…work in an office full time or people who don’t get migraines or people who don’t want to murder people they see in their car on a cellphone when they themselves are…on a cellphone. Is cellphone one word now? I’m going with that spelling and don’t try to talk me out of it. Okay, so finally, I went to shrink (this was a while ago) and said I was feeling “anxious.” Turns out, this is how I’ve been feeling most of my life for various reasons not all of them I feel comfortable sharing here. But, in the spirit of honesty, let’s just say that my childhood was a bit chaotic.
I know I could choose to look on the bright side, that being I’m a more creative person because of it, but I could also be bitter that I now have to be medicated (and I’m not just talking about wine) on a daily basis. Well, that certainly isn’t sooo different. I mean, SSRI’s are one of the most commonly prescribed meds in the US where we feel entitled to feel good. Calm. Serene. I, of course, refuse to do yoga or meditate or do anything that might be boring so I’m taking the Zoloft and seeing if I do calm down with the anxious thinking.
A lot of it comes with the territory of being a mother. I do realize that. Everyday there are hurdles that you don’t see coming. Hurdles that can trip you like a clothes line. Hurdles like the ER visits I describe in earlier blogs or even small hurdles like a rainy day at home with a baby 12 hours straight or a house that never seems to get clean. (hang on…refill)…I’e been trying to find alternatives to some of the regular things I do with my child. Like, the other day I took her to an indoor playground type thing. You know the type of place. It was called Under the Sea and to highlight this there were full wall murals of mermaids and octopus etc. Side note: can you believe a James Bond movie got away with calling itself “Octopussy?” WTF? Anyway…we went to said playground and my daughter had a great time. She ran around to all the different plastic cars and turned their steering wheels and beeped their horns, she peed up her diaper something furious and, naturally, I hadn’t brought an extra cause I didn’t know we were ending up there. But I was bored. Wishing for a friend. Even the woman at the desk would’ve passed for conversation with me but she was on the phone the whole time.
This is when I had one of those moments. Those moments that hit you hard that maybe, just maybe you weren’t meant for this. Not this much all day focus on the baby intesely worried about her needs for play and stimulation and what she wants to eat, drink, watch etc. But then I think, maybe that’s my fault. Maybe it’s personality driven. Maybe I do this to myself. Do other women feel this way? Maybe I shouldn’t worry so much about what she wants to do and just know that some days will be more fun for her and some days the most we will do is drive to Trader Joes.
This is my obsession. I go back and forth on it every day. One day it will all seem so long ago as I get more and more used to the routine. But for now, I’m the mom who shows up at an indoor playground with no diapers and no antibacterial hand wash to speak of. Here’s hoping she’s not coming down with some demon virus as I type. And now I must go watch The Shield. Cause that’s some cheery television.