Being a mother of a fifteen-month-old means never leaving conditioner on your hair for a whole three minutes. I’ve just realized all of the cutting corners I do now. Now that I have spawned. So many things I took for granted before child: standing in front of two different brands of spaghetti sauce taking the time to read the ingredients in order to make a more informed decision about which one I want, going into more than one store at the mall before giving up and heading for the kiddie play area (an area which is full of germs that can practically crawl onto your kids. And an area I had no idea even existed until baby), going to restaurants that aren’t kid friendly, laying in bed watching bad Lifetime movies, eating something without little hands reaching to pull it out of my mouth and into hers (but if it’s offered to her while in her highchair, it’s met with a violent head shake and mouth that’s been surgically sealed shut), having presentable toenails, having sex in my bedroom which is right next to her room (this can actually be a positive since you’re forced to find other areas of the house), drinking til you puke, getting up after 8 (I almost didn’t have a baby because I’m not a morning person), not thinking of every fucking moment as a great photo op.
Okay, enough bitching. Here’s what I’m finding out as well. Having a baby has made me a better person and I realize I’m a big old hack for saying that. But it’s true. I don’t know the extent of my selfishness before but whatever the level it was, it’s been curbed. I don’t have as much in common with my old friends but it’s like wearing in a new pair of shoes. Sometimes great shoes take awhile to feel really comfortable. But once you’ve worn them in, you can’t imagine what life was like before you owned them. And you wear the shit out of those crazy leather Manolo’s now! So it is with a baby, eventually they become like an added appendage.
Now going to Whole Foods is an adventure. Who would’ve thought it could be interesting to smell the candles and stare at the seafood? And who could’ve predicted how many old people are drawn to the two of us like Britney Spears to a bag of Cheetos! They freaking love us. I have a feeling I could get a lot of money for my baby on the Seniors market. I don’t know. I guess I’m feeling a little sentimental this evening. Yes, of course I’m two Pinot Grigios in. You know me. But still…listening to my girl laugh like a maniac at me peeking at her around the sliding shower doors over and over made all the cutting corners worth while. Sort of. I do miss Lifetime Movies.
No one tells you how hard it’s going to be. How much you have to change. If I’d known would I have still done it? Of course. I once told my therapist (it’s mandatory to have a therapist in Los Angeles so don’t judge) that I was unsure if I wanted children and I wanted to really really want a baby to have one. Her professional opinion: it’s just what people do. And so it is. And so here I am. Quite different. But in my opinion, much improved. Though you wouldn’t know it by looking at my toes.