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PREGGO LAND

Let me just start by saying if you have an ultrasound picture of your baby stuck on your refrigerator with a magnet, you’re not someone I want to be friends with. And if you have someone else’s baby’s ultrasound picture up there, well, that’s just a cry for help. I’m never sure what I’m supposed to say when confronted with this. “Wow, that’s one sexy fetus?” I got pictures from my ultrasound too but I didn’t wallpaper the house with them. Isn’t it bad enough that we have to see a million pictures of your baby after it’s born? Now we have to see what it kinda sorta looks like before it even comes out?

I knew early on in my pregnancy I wasn’t like other pregnant women. When my husband and I went for my ultrasound, (yes, he came with me: there was like a 95% percent chance he was the dad we figured he should tag along), the first thing the nurse asked me was if I’d brought a video tape. A video tape? I must’ve looked confused because she explained to me “most people want to take home a souvenir of this magic event.” I nodded and said “Yeah, I definitely won’t need that. I’m barely on board with the whole pregnancy thing as it is.” To which the nurse replied that she was reporting me to social services. Okay, she didn’t say it out loud but I could see it in her stare.

Clearly there are many many people who do opt for the ultrasound video. If you are one of them, just know – I don’t want to see it. Oh, and that goes double for your skydiving video. About the only way I’d ever be interested in watching footage of your big jump …is if you don’t make it. It’s like the world is chock full of people with no clue of their capacity to be irritating. And pregnancy just magnifies it.

Pregnant women seem to take one of two paths when they get knocked up, although — being annoying– they’d probably refer to it as a “journey.”

First there’s the woman who loooooves being pregnant. You know her. She’s so excited to join the Cult of Mommy that she’s taking pregnancy yoga before the before the stick turns blue. Anyone who revels this much in being pregnant is suspect in my book. These are the kind of women who will keep a pregnancy journal, refer to the day the baby is born as “the bless-ed event” and throw around the word “amazing” like Jay-Z uses bitch. There’s also a very good chance they make their own Christmas tree wreaths and light potpourri. These are not my kind of people.

Most of the women in this camp also refuse to find out the sex of their baby because “they want to be surprised!” I hate people who love surprises. Plus, is it really going to be that much of a surprise? It’s either going to be a boy or…it’s going to be a girl! Actually, the only real surprise I can think of is if the baby comes out a different race. Then, I would say, it’s going to be more of a surprise to the father.

Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards split up when she was 7 months pregnant and a lot of people were shocked. I was too. I can’t believe he lasted that long. You can just tell by looking at her that Denise is in the above category. I read an interview with her from when she was pregnant with her first kid where she talked about how “complete” she feels and how a Perrier with lime and just a teeny splash of cranberry juice is such a wonderful alternative to a glass of wine. You know what else is a wonderful alternative to a glass of wine? A shot of tequila! Is she on crack? Obviously not, that might make her interesting. Sadly the time pregnant women quit drinking is the time a lot of them most need a drink. Or at least I do to be around them.

I ran into one of these ladies at my OB’s office. As you can probably imagine, there’s nothing worse than a room full of pregnant women with time on their hands. I had been scanning the room hoping to find someone to talk to who at least had a little bit of personality, so I struck up a conversation with the only woman not knitting. She immediately tried to engage me in a conversation about nursery themes. Up until that moment, I didn’t know nurseries had themes. It’s not a fucking prom it’s a baby’s room. I guess having a crib just isn’t enough. Now you have to have a jungle theme or a fairy princess theme. There are actually books devoted entirely to this subject. Go to Amazon.com, type in “Baby Nursery” and then promptly kill yourself. There are tons of books listed there including one called “Spirit of the Nursery.” I’d be willing to bet my baby that Denise owns that book. I’m sorry but this just seems like overkill. Babies don’t even see in color until they’re teenagers or something.

But the euphoric preggos aren’t alone in their ability to empty a room. Pregnancy martyrs, you’re also on my watch list.

You know them – they hate every goddamn minute of being pregnant and can’t stop sharing it with the world. The ones who moan about what they can and can’t drink; wear; breathe etc, the ones who can detect someone smoking a cigarette from two Starbucks down and demand the offender put it out. You’d think they were the first person to ever get knocked up. They immediately start using the parking space designated for expectant mothers at baby stores (cloyingly named “stork parking.”) I want to tell them “you’re not handicapped, you’re having a baby. And, trust me, if you could see your ass right now you’d park as far away as possible. You need the exercise.” But I keep my mouth shut because pregnant women are good in a fight. Remember, they’re fighting for two now.

Look, I know pregnancy is tough. I’ve been there. I get it: Being the size of John Goodman and swimming in hormones is not pretty. One night when I was about six months pregnant I actually found myself tearing up in my car to a Bryan Adams song. In my defense I was a bit drunk (my OB said I could have 5-6 drinks a month…he mentioned nothing about spreading them out.) But the point is, behaving like a normal person is a choice. There’s no reason to alienate all your single friends and irritate your poor husband. I know he wants sex and you just want to watch the results show on American Idol. I know you feel too congested to give him a blow job, but put on a Breathe-Rite strip and take care of business. Suck it up, sisters (intended). Take one for the team. And for god’s sake please don’t email me any more pictures of your sonogram.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on January 24, 2006 3:55 amUncategorized28 comments  

28 Comments

  1. Jess Riley said,

    I didn’t even know there was “Stork Parking.” Wow.

    Oh well. Pretty soon we’ll all be on Rascal scooters anyway.

    | January 24, 2006 @ 5:01 am

  2. Misfit Hausfrau said,

    I am so glad to know someone else who doesn’t have a themed nursery. As a matter of fact, my baby doesn’t have a nursery. She has a bedroom. And it’s brown with nothing on the walls. I’ll admit, we moved to this house a few months ago and I haven’t been motivated to change it up yet, but it still wouldn’t have a theme.

    And while I admit I enjoyed my first pregnancy (ie, didn’t gain more than 15 lbs), I hated my second pregnancy (Helloooo 40 lbs.) I knew the gender of both kids because I am nosy and do not like surprises that are permanent. And those new spas for expectant mothers with the new ultrasounds that really show the features of the baby in the wound make me queasy.

    That is all.

    | January 24, 2006 @ 12:18 pm

  3. erika said,

    You are so funny. I love reading your blog and love your comments on mine. The best part is that I have a framed photo of Miss S’s ultrasound on my bedside table. Still. And she’s 15 months old. I didn’t find out the sex for surprise sake and I loved being pregnant, went to pre-natal yoga classes and have a video of that ultrasound (though none of birth – that’s just crazy). I’m also digging my mommy and me group, I take a RIE class and well, basically on paper I’m your nemesis. All that said, I’m more comfortable with you than with hardcore mommy moms. You’re the one I want to read, the one I identify with on some core level. And did I mention, you’re fucking hilarious? E

    | January 24, 2006 @ 8:33 pm

  4. Nick said,

    You added me on myspaces so I figured I would take a look at your blog, and apparently I found the right blog entry to read. A friend of mine had a baby a few weeks ago and the whole 9 months previous she pissed me off. No I don’t want to see that evil thing inside of you. I don’t give a shit that you hate being pregnant THATS WHY YOU GOT PREGNANT FOR THE SECOND TIME! All things considered, children scare me, and being a parent is not in my things to do in the next 5 years list. Maybe Swift was right.

    | January 25, 2006 @ 1:29 am

  5. chris said,

    You are too damn funny. I’m going to link to this post; infertiles will love it.

    PS: I promise not to send you anymore of my dead baby ultrasounds.

    | January 25, 2006 @ 1:36 am

  6. Stephanie said,

    oh my, THANK YOU for that!!! as a person who has suffered 3 miscarraiges in a row I CANNOT stand pregnant women, nevermind the ones that you are talking about. i am so glad to know that it is not just me being bitter….but i bet it is mostly me being bitter!

    | January 25, 2006 @ 2:16 am

  7. Teendoc said,

    Hey now. Not all of us knitters belong to some Cult of Preggos or Martha Stewart worshippers. Some of us knit to keep ourselves from using the needles as weapons…particularly when husbands are in the room.

    | January 25, 2006 @ 2:44 am

  8. julianna said,

    I think I love you.

    I need to thank Chris for sending me your way.

    You ARE too damn funny!

    I have pictures of my embryos that never amounted to anything. I have a good mind to place them in my wallet, next time someone shows me their little precious, I’ll show them mine.

    | January 25, 2006 @ 3:38 am

  9. Emily said,

    Another one of the barren brigade stopping by to tell you how much I love you. Please, please don’t ever stop writing because one day I hope to actually be a ‘mommy’ and I want to join your club. I can’t stand all that make me barf, cutsey crap.

    | January 25, 2006 @ 4:31 am

  10. wessel said,

    Hear, hear! Did you ever think you’d become the Pied Piper of Bitter Infertiles?

    You sing it sister. I try not to hate pregnant women, but it’s hard. This entry just reminded me that maybe it’s not all baseless hatred after all.

    | January 25, 2006 @ 2:20 pm

  11. Anonymous said,

    I should feel utterly outraged. I’ve spent so many damn years and so much money trying to get pregnant – which I now am – and here you are disparaging my ultrasound pictures etc. But actually, that was very funny.

    Note to self: Resist at all costs temptation to say on phone: “Oh, X has just done the *sweetest* thing” unless X in this case refers to one of the dogs farting so toxically that the caller needs an explanation for the choking sounds.

    Delighted to have found your blog.

    Alchemilla

    | January 25, 2006 @ 2:56 pm

  12. Erin said,

    Here via Chris. I think you’re my new girl-crush.

    | January 25, 2006 @ 3:03 pm

  13. Kate said,

    You said it way better than I ever could!

    | January 25, 2006 @ 3:27 pm

  14. Lala said,

    you’re a hoot, but I knew that already! The other infertiles will love your sense of humour.

    | January 25, 2006 @ 4:42 pm

  15. goldmoon said,

    I am so glad I’m not the only one who thinks pregnant women are a little gross. Since we’re trying to get pregnant, this is probably a bad attitude, but I can’t help myself…

    | January 25, 2006 @ 7:18 pm

  16. DeadBug said,

    Another one of the infertile platoon who arrived via Chris. I think we could all use a friend like you.

    –Bugs

    | January 25, 2006 @ 10:49 pm

  17. Anonymous said,

    Here as well via Chris.. Just don’t stop. You are right up there with the funniest people I wish I knew.

    | January 26, 2006 @ 3:06 pm

  18. Anonymous said,

    What a great read….
    I am convinced the women who “feel their best while pregnant” and “loved every second of it” are lying!
    When my doctor said that a glass of wine was fine I asked about a martini… she laughed and thought I was joking.
    Don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled to be pregnant, but I’m not in the cult either.

    | January 26, 2006 @ 5:30 pm

  19. Millie said,

    Another infertile who goes wherever Chris tells her.

    You have no idea how much I needed a laugh. Haven’t been able to do that at all for a while.

    | January 26, 2006 @ 10:57 pm

  20. Erin said,

    Another infertile (recurring) here via Chris. I do have a child and while I did love being pregnant, I didn’t get a video of our u/s, didn’t find out the gender, lost our u/s pictures for about 6 months, and our son’s nursery theme consisted of a bedding set that was purchased together.

    Thanks so much for the laugh!

    | January 31, 2006 @ 2:44 pm

  21. Kristen said,

    “In my defense I was a bit drunk (my OB said I could have 5-6 drinks a month…he mentioned nothing about spreading them out.”

    The funniest stuff I’ve read in awhile – the whole last paragraph as well. I was a crazy frickin looney my last few months – and cripes, who loves wearing the same 2 HUGE outfits over and over again because you can’t fit into anything and your toes look like pork sausages…

    | February 6, 2006 @ 12:54 am

  22. MsPrufrock said,

    Funny shit…

    As yet another infertile who has been lead here to this brilliant post, I am always thrilled to read about how much pregnant women suck.

    | February 8, 2006 @ 6:14 pm

  23. sony baby call nursery monitor said,

    Can’t find a site on sony baby call nursery monitor. Always in a rush and I don’t know why. The last site I was on was about sony baby call nursery monitor which was okay to read. Your’s was better.

    | February 23, 2006 @ 8:56 am

  24. Anonymous said,

    you’re a sophisticated thinker!

    | April 30, 2008 @ 10:49 am

  25. Anonymous said,

    What a bitch you are. Talk about miserable.

    | September 14, 2008 @ 2:59 pm

  26. theschellcafe.com said,

    So do you want to see my home birth video?

    I found you via Blog Nosh today and am enjoying your musings over coffee this morning. Thanks!

    | October 14, 2008 @ 11:39 am

  27. Anonymous said,

    Faaabulous. I love it. I too am preggo and if one more person asks me what my birth plan is, I’m gonna scream! My birth plan is to hav e it, OK?? I won’t be needing whale-bloddy-song, a themed nursery, “pregnancy pillows” (wtf??) a doula or otherwise. And yes, if one more dreamy eyed bloody woman tells me how great it was to be pregnant, I’m gonna smack em with a blus steak and a bottle of Chablis. Sniff. Rant over.

    | May 9, 2009 @ 1:36 pm

  28. tree nursery said,

    We are state certified tree nursery specializing in native plants and trees, shrubs, fern, and perennials as well as pond plants and wetland mitigation species.

    | October 31, 2009 @ 9:39 am

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