I hate to be one of those people who talks about weight. It’s boring. Really boring. I don’t like listening to other people who aren’t fat talk about being fat. I mean, come on. We’re old. Who the fuck cares. But…as a former bulimic from age 16 to approximately 22, I feel that the weight obsession will always be a part of my life no matter how far away I get from having an actual eating disorder. Wow, this post is pretty funny so far…
I gained 55 pounds when I was preggo with my daughter. That weight came on because 2 years before I got pregnant I cut sugar out of my diet. I cannot eat one cookie. Let’s just leave it at that. Sugar had to go when I realized that my life was consumed with starting everyday saying I wouldn’t eat any sugar today and then breaking it by 10 a.m. Television writing jobs can be brutal for a woman with food issues. There are a lot of men around who don’t give two shits about candy and a lot of candy around for the women who really can’t stop eating it. So at one point I made a decision to not have it at all and it worked wonders. I lost a lot of weight and then got married and pregnant. Then the cravings came on so strong I felt like I got hit by an ice cream truck. I had had had to have something sweet. I dreamed about Laffy Taffy and Lemonheads at night. Not chasing me. Me eating them. By the pound. Finally, I succomed and never stopped. I ate junk through my whole pregnancy and can blame no one but myself for all the weight I gained.
So, I lived in maternity clothes for so long that I thought I’d never see anything without an elastic waist again. And it brought up a lot of issues. I felt invisible. I felt if I went out to the store, people didn’t notice me cause I was heavy. Ridiculous maybe but I’m very obsessive. Most people would go on a diet but that just kicks my obsession in harder and I know from past experience that diets don’t work for me. So I kicked the sugar habit again and started going to the gym. And now I’ve lost most of my weight. And I live in LA so I don’t say that lightly. I don’t look like I had a baby. And I should feel totally great right? But I don’t. I still obsess. What is with that? What is with women who are almost 40 and married to men who love them and love their bodies as they are obsessing about 2 or 3 pounds? It just seems vain. And is definitely not something I plan to pass along to my daughter. Something needs to change either with me or with society because it’s not just old hausfrau me. It’s all those teen actresses who think they should be 80 pounds. I know that not everyone feels this way. Hey, Candy Mandheim feels awesome about herself and we all know she’s fat. But she’s sassy! John Goodman is humongous and no one ever puts him in the National Enquirer wondering “what’s eating John Goodman?”
Okay, this has been more of a rant than anything else but if you understand what I mean I’d love you to comment. Not that anyone is reading this anyway. Dear diary….