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Feeling Like An Outsider

I am surprised at how personal I’m willing to be on such an open forum like this but FUCK IT right? If you are reading this then I hope you are a friend. This isn’t junior high school.

I think my growing up situation has a lot to do with why I always feel like people don’t “get me” but do we ever get over our pasts? With all the therapy and antidepressants in the world can we feel like we fit in with all our peers, think alike, feel like we belong? I don’t know because I wasn’t brought up in a normal way and I don’t feel normal although I may look it. I don’t have tattoos to show you that I have a defiant attitude. You wouldn’t know by looking at me the sarcastic and defensive and irritated thoughts that run through my mind. But you also wouldn’t know that I cry easily when I read a sad news story or how I love my husband and child so much it feels like my heart might burst open at any moment. And how fleeting I feel it could be due to the nature of the way I was raised.

I had a father who was a rising stand-up comedian. He never quite made it big time although he was on Ed Sullivan, Carson, Smother’s Brothers, Merv Griffin etc. But he is a manic depressive narcissist who screwed himself over by thinking his genius should suffice and no effort should be put out on his part for his career, children (from four different marriages. My mother was number 3) or family. He never paid child support and my mother remarried a very tortured artist 6 months later. I guess she has a type. He was an angry, pot smoking, verbally abusive, anti social asshole. Let’s just leave it at that.

I was alone a lot and got used to it. I never did grow a thick skin though. Every mean kid in Junior High hurt my feelings. Everytime my stepfather gave me the silent treatment for months at a time, I didn’t get stronger, I just got trained for what I thought I could expect from men.

I left home at 18 and moved to Los Angeles to pursue I don’t know what. But I didn’t go into porn so don’t bother googling me. I waited tables for many years (until I was 28) but did stand-up comedy since I was 23. I attempted to live a normal life but everytime I would date a new person I would only go so far until I had to get out. I finally met my husband at 33. Which now seems young when I look at my single friends who are late 30’s and still haven’t met anyone.

Okay, so now I have husband, child, house in suburbs…but I still don’t feel “normal.” I’m still looking for kindred spirits and they are few and far between.

This post hasn’t been that amusing but what the fuck is a blog for unless you can be personal right? Read it quick cause i may delete it tomorrow, my little bugaboos.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on January 21, 2006 5:20 amUncategorized5 comments  

5 Comments

  1. Paul said,

    What is normal anyway? Don’t waist too much energy trying to find out what normal is. I sense that what you are looking for is peace and connection to other people. Let that connection take place with your child and with your husband and realize that your life is so much bigger than you can ever imagine.

    | January 21, 2006 @ 6:02 am

  2. Heatheranne said,

    We have a lot in common.

    | January 21, 2006 @ 7:07 pm

  3. Anonymous said,

    We are kindred spirits.

    I lived in LA for 5 years BTW, before I moved up here. Here being 1100 miles north (I don’t type it in because I’m trying to limit search information on me because I snark on my SIL) and comments will come up in the search. Anyhoo, not that you cared about any of that, but my ex is in porn (he’s a ‘producer’ dahling). Yeah, it’s why I left. And you can google and IMBD him 😉 Seriously.

    I keep looking for normal too and never feel like I have it, even when I do.

    Emily
    scrambledeggs

    | January 26, 2006 @ 10:04 pm

  4. IzzyMom said,

    I think we’ve already established that I am not a mommy cult member. That having been said, I’ve blogged about the same thing except I was saying “Where are all the cool moms?” Same diff. And I still don’t know where they are. Too bad you’re on the complete opposite side of the country from me…

    I did the suburban thing, too. Nice houses, dull people. It totally sucked ass.

    | January 28, 2006 @ 9:25 pm

  5. Jori said,

    Seriously? Invasion of the body snatchers all the way!!! (and I could really care less about getting it back…)

    | September 1, 2009 @ 9:30 pm

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